today has probably been the worst fuckin day ever. and it all started fuckin last nite. god damn it viv. she fuckin cut. alot. and i don't think it was even last nite when she did it. that was just the lovely nite she happen to fuckin tell me about it. she wrote ALONE in her arm, and underlined it. and she made the A a bubble letter, and she cut out the middle part of it. god damn it. then she cut ML and MIKEY. all because of that stupid ass guy mike. she was talkin to him and asked him what she shoudl "write" and so he told her that shit. cuz ML is his initials. and so she did it. and then she told him she wasn't sure if he would want her to do it, because instead of "writing" she was cutting. and he was just like oh. then i talked to him last nite. and he told me that he wrote her name in his arm. what the fuck is wrong with them two???? i don't want her to fuckin go arounda nd cut herself. i don't want her hurting herself. i don't even want him doing it. and i don't kno him. i was just being calm about it. hell, i even laughed at it kinda. cuz i kno that justin always yells at her for shit like that. so i wasn't gonna do that. and then after a lil, she starts flippin out on me, sayin i'm yellin at her and shit. when i'm fuckin not. and i talk to the mike kid, and i'm just askin him what his last name is, to see if that is his initials. and he told me he cut her name. and then i asked him why didnt he stop her. and he starts flippin out on me, saying i shouldn't judge him and shit. i kno i have no fuckin room to judge him. hell i used to do it fuckin too. and i told him that. and he says some shit bout how i need to just live with it that she does it and shit. well fuck him. he doesn't kno how to be a real fuckin friend. cuz a real fuckin friend wouldn't go and be cut buddys, and tell people that actually do care about someone, to just live with it. cuz i'm not gonna fuckin live with it arlite? i can't. i had to live with myself doing it. and i stopped. and now i'm going to try to help my fuckin friends. by the end of the nite though me and her were laughing. well she was i think. i wasn't. i couldn't. she had hurt herself. and she was almost not gonna tell me. i needed someone to talk to after that. but this stupid shit face thing wasn't working, so i couldn't type all this. so i ended up sending an email to wolfgang. now that i think aobut it, i think that mighta be kinda stupid. but oh well i guess. i can't take it back now. i was about to call justin, but i didn't feel like talking on the fone. so at least she laughed, and she thought i was fine with it. i'm just gonna have to keep how i really feel just quiet to myself. then today. hmm got to skool, it was alrite, but i already had decided i wasn't gonna talk much, cuz i still couldn't believe what viv had done. so when i got there, i pulled out my book and started reading. i got a good grade on an english quiz, so i was happy about that. then in math, i didn't do so good on my chapter test review, cuz i hadn't finished it all. so ig ot like a 56. but paige and cesar, they hadn't even done any of it. so they both kept their papers, and i had to pass mine. and they just filled thiers in and shit. and then i graded paige's. and she got a passing grade. then my teacher came around and saw what grades we got. she saw that i had failed and i saw her write down my name. then after that she told us that everybody's name she had written down she would be calling their parents and telling them that we failed our chapter review and shit. i got so fuckin pissed off. because cesar and paige hadn't even fuckin done it. and i did. and i was the one stuck getting a fone call to home. what the fuck is up with that???? so the whole fuckin rest of the time i was pissed off. and i was a bitch to paige. and i just didn't even fuckin care about anymore of that fuckin shit. then i went to p.e. luckily that was my last class. had to go into the hot locker rooms and change. and we were playing soccer. i thought that would be alrite, i could get my anger out and shit. well i was goalie at first. and of course, something happened. the ball hit me rite in the fuckin face. and then my fuckin lip started to bleed. so i walked into the fuckin bathroom and almost started crying. it wasn't because it hurt. it was because i was so fuckin tired of all this fuckin shit. and it was just pissing me the fuck off. i didn't cry, i wasn't about to be some fuckin pussy ass girl crying in the damn girls bathroom. so i just went back out and started to play again. i just had to keep licking my lips to stop the blood from coming out. then i got home, and realized that the trash bins were still down. i had gone around and gotten all the trash ready last nite, and i had fuckin forgotten to put them up on top of the hill. god damn it. i didn't even fuckin notice it this morning. fuck. then i got online and talked to one of my friends. found out that he's been cutting cuz he made a fuckin promise to one of his friends, that if the guy cut, he would cut too. he did that same thing to me. and it had stopped me. but it hasn't stopped this guy. so now my friend just keeps doing it. and he says the guy wants to try to kill himself. and he says that means he's going to try. i fuckin swear, if he ends up trying, and goes through with it. i will fuckin start cutting again or some fuckin shit. cuz i will not fuckin put up with that shit. i keep thinking about cutting again. but i'm not going to fuckin do it. i can't. i don't want to. but lately i have started ot want to again. i miss it. i feel like i need it. but i'm going to try really hard not to. another thing that's been bothering me. lance has been smoking alot lately. i wish he wouldn't. he was going to stop. i really believed he would. i had hoped he would. then he would be safe. he wouldn't be doing something bad. but ever since him and amanda broke up, he's been doing it again. and i really really don't fuckin want him to. i wish he would fuckin stop it. i don't want him doing it. i really really wish he wouldn't. i've told him that already even. but he still won't stop. he won't fuckin listen to me. nobody fuckin will. viv won't. lance won't. nobody. nobody comes to me anymore either. if they have problems, they just go to their other friends. i'm not fuckin needed anymore. that's just fuckin great. i'm fuckin useless now. what the fuck is up with that??? god damn it. i want to fuckin help my friends. i don't want to just leave them out there on their own. everybody needs soembody. but i guess i'm not somebody to anybody. and now justin has alexis back. wow, he sure as hell knos how to make me feel like shit. always talking about how he likes no other girl like her. how he'll always only love her. how no girl ever was as good as her. or even close to it. but suddenly he might like this other girl. he only likes her cuz he hasn't gone out with her yet. he wants to go out with almost every fuckin girl. just to make sure alexis is the best i guess. i don't fuckin kno. but god damn. he talks about her each fuckin time we're on the fone. how happy he is she's back. how he got to see her. or talk to her. or kiss her. or how she wrote him another note. well i'm glad your fuckin happy, but i don't have to hear about yalls every fuckin move. god damn it. lsgfjgfdvjdsjl;newqghjggjklgfdvbklgfdijkl'gfdsvohjlmnfdbxjrewuip] trewthkljkl'ngrswteq jkl;frewqtegfwhtrewgfuyo8-hteo'ftguyor[wighrwsdfjdsfkl;jdskljgfsfgfdsnhftewjtewlngfdklngrsfdsjklgdfdstrewf,mnvftrewklngdswc98y432432h987r32r32fewfetrewhjkl'grewu9hngdvc8y42953h6bvy4 625bvcn 8ipr3y5v 9oopkl;,.d-wquir09ewqhjr98ewhtrfygdsjr-2 AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH i have to have fuckin loud music on just to try to cover my thoughts, and only a little. it still doesn't even fuckin work. and i took 5 fuckin tylenols, but i kno that won't do shit. i just need to go take a fuckin nap now.