damn, i really fuckin hate how things are rite now. i don't kno if i'll be able to get it all out in this. buti 'm gonna try. alrite, so lets see whats been going on. i've been feeling so damn lonely lately. i don't really kno why. but i hate it. none of my fuckin friends are ever around. none of them ever fuckin call me. and it pisses me fuckin off. hayley, damn she doesn't give a fuckin shit about me. i'm loosing her as a friend. and i hda already lost her once. cuz we got in a fight and siht. and now i'm loosing ehr cuz she doesn't wanna stay friends with me. i mean, what the fuck? and i kno that if i try to fuckin talk to her. she won't do it. she won't talk to me. or she'll deny that she's not talkin to em adn shit. which is just so fuckin stupid. cuz i kno she's doin it. and she sure as hell should kno. but i guess i'm just not that good of a friend for her to care about me. hmm then lets see who. umm how about amanda. she never talks to me. but yet, she always says 'we need to hang out, we need to do shit' blah blah blah balh balh. whatever. it's all total bullshit. hmm and then, lets see, oh yes, lance. god that stupid ass mexican drives me fuckin crazy. one min, he can be ignroing me and shit and not even notice. the next, he finds out i'm not ok and is all caring and siht. i mean, what the fuck is up with that? god damn. i fuckin hate it. ok, well now, how i bout i say what all happened this weekend. it was all such shit. ooo i had gotten cigarretes. but anyways. so friday, i went outside to smoke one, and i was callin amanda, and hayley to see if either one of them could do anything that nite. cuz i had already called lance, but he couldn't do anything. but neither one of them had picked up. eh, so then i just went back inside. i don't really remember what i did that nite. umm i think steven had called, talked to him for just a lil. he left. watched boy meets world. eh anyways, ok so on saturday. got up, went to karate. it was alot of fun. lee was there then. he hadn't been there on mon or wed. so it was good to see him again. actually, a few nites ago, i had a dream about him. but i don't really remember it anymore. but it was interesting. but anyways. so he was there. so wolfgang taught the higher belts for the first class. then we had the advanced class. and so some of us were in that. and so alan and lee taught us some new self defense technics. hehe one of them was where somebody grabs you from behind. and so you have to get out of it. i got to grab lee from behind at first because we didn't kno what to do. it felt so good holding him though. and then when he held me. i loved it. but i kne i had to snap outa it. then we did it where somebody held you from the front. it was fun. so i got to be in lee's arms, facing him. hehe. then he actually picked me up so i had to get outa it. it was so much fun. but he didn't pick up this girl nikki. she's a lil bigger. but i fetl so special, that he could pick me up and shit. and i was just wondering what it would be like, if he would pick me up, not just for attacks, but because he wanted to. but i kno that will never happen. students and instructors or helpers can't have anything going on with them. which really sucks. but eh, i'm just glad that he's there. anyways. so then we had demo team practice. and this girl sarah came up and was gonna do one. because she's gonna be in it with us for this saturday. eh, she's really not that good. i'm kinda afraid that she's gonna mess it up and shit. but oh well i guess. i mean, i kno that nobody's perfect. but damn. she really needs to work on it. so then we had a demo that was at 3:15, in mansfield (like 30 mins away). and so when my mom picked me up, me and her just went and ate. and then we started to go over to there. we got there about 2 o'clock. but we couldn't find the place until about 2:15, then we just drove around and shit. so then we got to the place at 2:30. which was what time lee had told us to be there. and so lee, nikki, and maria were in there. we found out we had to go to some other place, to get to where we were doing the demo. and so we ended up having to take a skool bus. but it was fun. cuz it was just our group in there. i wanted to kinda close to lee. he looked like something was wrong. he kept saying he was never doing another demo for blaze (that was who we were doing it for). so then we got to the place. and we had to wait for blaze. then he got there, and so we got up and did it. i thought it went pretty good. but lee said it was messed up. but eh, he's always complainin about them. but that's fine. but he said that our part was fine. he was just mad that blaze had pushed us to the back after we had done our part. then we got back onto the bus to go back to our cars. i got to sit kinda across from lee that time. i was happy. i talked to him a lil, kinda. then, when i got in the car. i called amanda. cuz on friday nite, me and her had been talking about going bowling and shit. so i called her to see if we were still gonna go. she had some friends over and shit. and had told me i should come on over. so i asked my mom, but she was bein a bitch and told me that i had to go to church. and when i got home. i had asked her again. and she had said, ask your dad. rite then, we both kne i would have to go to church. she just didn't want to look like the bitch. even though she was. but i asked anyways. and i told him i didn't listen to it anyways. and he told me i needed to start. and that i could go after church. so i was still on the fone with amanda, and i was in my room finding something to wear. and my mom came in, and was talkin to me, sayin she would take me after church and shit. and i just kept ignoring her and shit. and i wouldn't answer her. and so finally she left. but i asked them if they would stay till i got outa church, and so she said that they would. then at church, i sat aside by myself. then ms. leach had come, and she hit my head, and i had almost turend around and punched her. cuz i wasn't in a good mood. eh, so all during church, i didn't listen. then i went into the bathroom during the homily. i found a hanger in there. so i broke it into three pieces. then i used one to just mark across my arm. it didn't cut. it just left little red lines and shit. so then after church. i was outside talkin. james was out there. damn i miss that kid. he's so cute. and he's really cool. he didn't kno i was in karate. i'm still trying to get the guy in my class that i like, his sn from james. but so far, it isn't working. so then i left church. went to amanda's house. had my mom ask so many damn questions about the shit. we stayed at amanda's house for a while. played some games. then we decided to go to a soccer game instead of bowling. i rode with amanda and sara. lance, calvin and andrew rode together. i didnt really wanna ride with them. they kept gettin pissed off at the guys and shit. god, i didn't get that. but whatever. then just a whole lot of shit happened at the game. after it, andrew was on the ground, cuz him adn sara had gotten in a fight and shit. lance and calvin were trying to get him up. but he wouldn't. then lance and calvin walked off. so it was just me and andrew. finally, i was able to get him up. i was so happy about that. because lance had been trying pretty hard, but he wouldn't. then i kinda got andrew to laugh. that made me feel better. cuz i wanted him to be happy. then it was me, lance, calvin and andrew all together on some bleachers. and amanda and sara were playing soccer with soem guys. then andrew's dad had called him, and amanda and sara were walkin over to us, so andrew started to walk off. then he layed back down on the grass. nobody went over to him. so i went over to get him up. then me and him were talking about how the sky would get lighter if the lights when off. but he wouldn't believe me. then we walked to amanda and sara and lance and calvin. and i asked amanda, and she said the sky would. hehe so i was rite. then sara had to leave. so we all rode in andrew's car. we went to ihop. that was alrite. andrew was still sad about the shit with sara. i hope that they're alrite now. i kinda like andrew. but eh, guess i can try to get over that. cuz he really loves sara i think. but i think she doesn't seem to appreciate him that much. when he really cares about her alot. and hell, she hsould just be happy that she's got a fuckin bf. then in the car. andrew asks amanda how long her and sara had planned on going bowling and amadna tells me since mon. that kinda pissed me off. cuz she had made it seem with me that it was random, and would be just us. but fuck that. then amanda and lance spent the nite. i was kinda depressed. amanda tried to make me happy. i didn't go for it. she tries to hard. lance had to sneek in. so he came in. slept in the closet. amanda had gone to the bathroom, and he like, got on top of me, and spat in my hair. it was so gross. but it kinda got me laughing. then me and him were sittin in the closet looking at all my old movie stubs. apparently amanda had been sad that she couldn't make me happy, but that lance could make me laugh. then this morning. we got up. we had planned on saying lance had come over early in the morning. so i had gone into the bathroom to brush my teeth. my mom was in there. i told her lance was here. that he had come over. but i had a feeling she didn't beleive me. then she said 'ok, so if i call lance's mom, she'll tell me he spent the nite at a friends house?' when lance had told his mom that he would be spending the nite at my house. i figured my mom kne. so finally, i was gonna just go in and tell her. i wanted somebody to come with me cuz i was scared. and then neither one of them came with me. i got so pissed at lance. he didn't come with me. he had said he woulda. if he wasn't going to, he shoulda just straight up told me. he just really pissed me off. then amanda and lance left. i was glad. then i had to go horesback ridding with maria and nikki. in the car, i had to fake a smile the whole time. but maria was funny. that girl can dance. it's cute. then we got there. just walked around and watched maria and seth ride. then we all got our turns. my hore even trotted a few times. it was fun. but my ass hurts. i faked a smile the whole time though. but oh well i guess. then just came home. took a nap. had mom be a kinda bitch to me. took a shower. washed clothes. and i'm about to go and watch samurai x maybe and eat some food finally. i've missed kenshin so much. i really have. i loved it so much. but now, all i have to watch are the old episodes. and it's kinda hard to figure out where they are and shit. we have so many damn tapes. so i borrowed samurai x from a friend. i haven't seen it in a long time. but i don't really like it as much, as i like the episodes. i'm still glad that nobody's takin the place of kenshin.. i miss justin. i haven't talked to him in more than a week. he never calls me. i just stay up late each nite to watch inuyasha. when i kno he doesn't stay up to watch it. he doesn't care. he doesn't give a fuckin shit. i might try to call him tom, just to see how he is. cuz i wanna kno if he's still with his gf. and check that he's happy. i bet he is. he obviously doesn't need me anymore. and that makes me really sad. cuz i still need him... but i haven't todl him that. and i don't think i will. but i do kinda wanna tell him. but eh. oh well i guess. i still haven't talked to the guy in my class that i like. i really want to. but i kno i won't i'm too much of a chicken. eh. oh well i guess. i hate seeing him talkin to all the cheerleaders and shit. just makes me kno even more that i can never get him. which really sucks. cuz i really would like to talk to him. but whatever i guess. i like three guys. and i can't even have any of them. one - i'm kinda friends with i guess. but i can't end up dating him. another - lives too far away. and doesn't even talk to me anymore. and doesn't give a shit about me. and last - doesn't even kno that i exist. god, i hate all this shit. i hate how things are rite now. but i've decided. i'm giving up my cigarettes. i've only had three of them, outa the whole pack. but i'm getting rid of them. i gave them away to amanda. i don't want them. i'm going to change. i don't need anything to help me feel better. i can have tiems when i'll feel shitty. but i don't want to need to go to something. just to get better. so i'm not going to. i'm not gonna do it. just like i won't cut. or drink. i'm not gonna do any of that shit. i'm not really sure what made me decide this. i guess cuz of yesterday with sara and andrew and all that shit. eh, but i'm glad about it. i feel stronger. better. and i'm hopin it will work. that things will work out good.