wow, ok, so this was one of the crappiest weeks i have ever had. p.s. - i have no idea what infatuated is, i just thought i'd pick it, cuz none others seem rite. hm, what started it all. i think Stephen Breen dying. then everybody was sad on mon and tues. i don't really remember what all happened much of this week really. justin called a few times, that was good i guess. umm friday was the funeral for Stephen, more saddness. then friday nite i went to the haunted house. that was actually fun. but my favorite ring broke there. that sucked fuckin ass. i was really pissed. and then in the car. i have no idea how. but i lost my wristband. i really hope i can find it. maybe lance or amanda has it. but i really really wanna find it. cuz that was the wristband that peter gave me. and i always remember him when i wear it and shit. i kno, that's kinda stupid. but i miss that kid. and i hardly get to see him. and i just like the rememberance. then justin called me later that nite, i was really happy about that. umm saturday, went to karate. our demo got cancelled cuz of the rain. lauren invited me over. we were supposed to go the mall, but didn't. just stayed there and watched movies. i finally had to call justin cuz he hadn't called me. he had said he would probably call me before, then after the dance. and maybe during if i was lucky. but i guess he just got too busy. i finally called him. he ended up having a crappy nite. him and lauren kept fighting, and they weren't even on the fone together. that got me kinda mad. couldn't go to sleep for a while. people call and wake me up. went back to sleep. went to the mall. had to try on two damn dresses cuz of lauren and her sister. went to the benefit thing. kinda fun. lots of hot guys. then we go to leave, taylor's (lauren's sis) truck's battery is out. can't find jumper cables. finally get some. have to push the truck back. takes forever for them to get charged. get pulled over by a cop. one of her lights was out, and she was speeding. then they had to check on if it was ok if she could have two people under 21 or 18 or whatever, as long as one was her sis. didn't get a ticket or anything. finally got home. justin never called. my bro didn't record yu yu hakusho. and inuyasha made me think more. so that was my wonderful week. some parts were actually alrite. others. sucked. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ i wish justin would have called me on saturday. like before the dance. cuz it was his homecoming dance on sat. well not his, but he was going with this girl. and some of his friends go there. but when he had called me on friday nite. it made me feel so special. like he really cared. that he really wanted to talk to me and shit... it was great. we talked for a long time. then when we were saying bye. i told him to call me after the dance. he said he'd probably call me before, and i said be sure to call after too, and he said ok. then he said if i was lucky he might call during it. i waited. he never called before. he never called during. and it seemed like he wasn't going to call after either. so finally, i called him. he was watching a movie. so i just kinda brushed off the fact that he didn't call me, and figured he was going to call after the movie. but i don't really kno if he was going to. well i talked to him for a bit. turned out he didn't have that great a time at the dance. he never said why he didn't call me before. and i guess i can see why not during. cuz it turned out that alot of the girls there liked him or whatever. eh, who could blame them, hot and with a great personality. he said they liked his personality alot. it's great hearing about how many girls like him. just means that he can go out with any of them that he wants. he's always got a gf. and goes out with a new one so much. i hope he can finally find someone good enough. that'll actually last. eh, then him and lauren were arguing. they weren't actually on the fone. but he could hear her talking. and he would say stuff. then she would ask what he said and shit. i wanted to agree with him. because i do. and he told me to say some stuff to her. but i wouldn't. yeah, it's how i feel alot of the time bout shit she does. but still. i just don't say things about people to them. and not really behind their backs either. i just don't admit to stuff to them. i don't kno. i wish my friends could get along. there's always at least two that don't. and i hate it. why can't things ever just be good? why are there always complications? ---------------------------------------------------- last nite, i had a dream about hayley. like, it was my family and then her family, and we went to this like, history kinda place or something. it was just me n her, and we were going through this tour thing or something. and there was this really cute guy leading us and shit. and he was like flirting with both of us i think. then at the end of the thing, they were like sitting on a couch, holding each others hand and shit, and like kissing. and i was just laying on the floor. then we finally got up to leave and shit and she was showing me this dry erase board that they had been writing on or whatever. i don't kno. it was just really weird. that's how things always are though. my friends get the guys. i don't. i don't get anybody. i'm seriously fuckin tired of it all. i hate it. i fuckin want somebody. god. i feel so damn alone. all the fuckin time. and anybody that i do like. i'll never end up with them. i have no chance. WHY CAN'T I EVER FUCKIN HAVE A CHANCE? WHY CAN'T I EVER GET ANYTHING I FUCKIN WANT?? i want everybody else to be happy. yeah, i kno, it's somehting that i really do wish for. cuz i really do want everybody else to be happy. but i do kinda wish for myself to be happy too. i mean, aren't i a part of everybody? or am i left out? do i not get any part of it? is that fair? i don't think so. but guess that's how things go. that's how my lovely life is. isn't it just so fuckin great? >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> i forget ur a student sometimes ^ hehe that felt so great to hear. lee said that to me. i was askin him bout some things or whatever. and he said that. i kno, it might not be much to some. but to me it is. it means that he doesnt' look at me as a student alot. i think more of an equal. well since i am his age and shit. and i talk to him online. it's kinda more like we're friends. than him being the instructor's assistant and me the student. but i like it. it was just a nice feeling. i don't kno if anybody would get that. but yeah. i don't kno. it was just really cool. your one of my best friends ^ thats also something i really liked to hear. that was from justin. we were talkin bout something. i don't really remember. i just remember that one main part. i loved it. and i guess that's why we still talk. is cuz it's true. and that makes it even better. that i kno that it's true. hehe. i just hope it'll stay up. ¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿ eh. things are just pretty shitty rite now. thinkin too much. want to read. want to write more of my story. want to talk to friends. nobodys talkin. need to do hw. watchim spiderman. blah. whatever. i'm just not all that happy rite now i guess. haven't been lately. but i'm not gonna go back to how i used to be. i'm not. i swear to myself i won't.