alrite so alot of stuff has been going on... i don't kno how much of it i'll really end up writing about, or if i will at all, i'll just see how this goes. alrite so lets see, my friend viv cuz FUCKER into her arm... she did it because of something her mom said... and whats going on with her family... i wasn't mad at her, i understood why she did it.. i just wish she hadn't... she like never cuts.. seriously, she was the good one outa our group of friends. but seriously, i love that kid. i do, i would do anything for her. i want to try to give her more of a childhood, cuz i don't think she really had one. she seems like she had to grow up too fast... she knos too much for her age. and she's been through alot of pain. but i'm always there for her, well i try to be. she's told me that she can't really talk to me sometimes, i wish she could, i like it when i kno she can talk to me and tell me anything she needs and shit. cuz i wanna be able to help her, any way that i can. i wish she could live here though. she has to live in north carolina. if she could live with me, haha i think we coudl have some amazing times. i mean we already have great times on the fone and online. and me and her have alot in common. i'm gonna try to start talkin my mom into letting me go see her next summer. i hope she'd let me, but then again, i also gotta hope that we're still friends. i hope we will be, and i think we probably will... cuz we've already lasted a year, and we still got alot to learn bout each other... but then again, knowning somebody for a year doesn't always mean that you really know them... like my friend jason, i don't kno what the hells happened with him.. but he's changed.. i dont like to admit it, but he really has, i kept thinking maybe it was just me, but i think he has changed.... me and him used to talk almost every day, i loved talking to him, i really did, i would get online and just wait for him to get on, just to talk to him, and see what he was up to. i loved it. and then suddenly, one day, he told me he couldn't talk to me anymore or something like that, i kept trying to ask him why, and all he would say was "they" need you... when i asked who "they" were, he would say my friends, and i kept sayin he was my friend too, and he was like, your friends there... i guess he meant the ones that actually lived here... but i kept trying to tell him i needed him.. i didn't care if "they" needed me, i needed him... but he wouldn't listen, he wouldn't care... so after i kept trying to talk to him alot, he finally blocked me, and alot of my sns, even my friend's sns that i would get on.. so i decided to leave him alone for a lil, give him some space... then 1 of my friends tried to talk to him for me.. it didn't go that great... my friend kept askin why i wanted him back so bad, he kept callin him things and shit, but i kept tryin to tell him he was worth it.. and he was... hmm so i gave him more time after that try.. then i finally talked to him again when i was at hayley's house, i had a nice lil conv with him.. i asked him nicely to unblock my sns... so he did.. i was so happy.. i thought i finally had him back... and so then i got on, and was talkin to him on sunday, he was askin me about something in my profile one of my friends had said, askin who that was and shit, i said my friend zeke... and he asked when did i start using some face things, i said my friend zeke got me using them... i kinda think he mighta gotten jealous.. think zeke was replacing him or something, even though i had promised him nobody could ever replace him.. and then yesterday, when i was online... suddenly he got on, but when i looked at it, it had said that he had been on for about 5 hours... and then he suddenly got off again, but got back on, and he had still been on for about 5 hours... so i was starting to wonder if he was blocking me again... so i got on another sn.. and it showed him on, so i IMed him, and was like, why unblock me, if your just gonna block me agian, and he says, good question, and blocks me again... that hurt... but then, what really hurt, was i was trying to talk to him on another sn... and he goes... me: why do you keep blocking me... i thought we were cool? him: cuz i want you to leave me alone me: what did i do? him: try out bein popular or cool and how about you fuck off bitch!! and he blocked me again... that really hurt.... and i had sent it to my friend jeff, to ask him what he thought he had kinda meant by that... and jeff started gettin so pissed off at him, and i just met jeff like sunday nite... but i was already talkin to him about things, and telling him stuff... i don't kno why, but i opened up to him.. i think i just needed somebody.. but he reminded me of myself... how he is with people and shit... he cares about people he hardly knos, and likes to help people... cuz it helps him too... but it felt nice to have somebody care... hmm but then i tried to talk to jason again yesterday, cuz he had gotten on one of his other sns, that i think he didn't kno i kne... and this is how that conv went... me: can you just tell me, why you dont wanna talk to me anymore...? him: hmm him: can u just fuck off and try livin your lYfe? yeah, not too great... i really wish he could tell me why he doesn't wanna talk to me so bad.. i really miss him.. i dont kno why i keep trying to talk to him.. i mean i can tell i keep bothering him i think.. but i keep thinking about him... i.. i think i like him... i don't kno why... or maybe i like the person he used to be.. maybe he really has changed... i don't kno... but i can't accept this new him.. cuz i don't think it's really him... i don't kno whats going on... but i will try to get him back one day... justin.. i don't kno whtas going on with him... i think it was, tues, last week, i had called him really late at nite.. he had answered, but i hadn't wanted him to.. so i told him to not answer when i called back, so he didn't.. and i left a message... it said alot of stuff. and i read out two poems i had written for him... i was so nervous saying it all, but i had to get it out... meh i kinda wish i hadn't done it... i dun kno.. hmm but he has a gf.. they've been dating for a lil more than a week i think.. i really am happy for him.. a while ago he told me i was one of his best friends... that made me feel so good... i loved hearing it... so i just decided to put my feelings aside, and be happy for him and his gf... cuz he used to always complain about how he would only have a week long relationship and shit, and i kept telling him he would get somebody.. and now he has her.. so i really am happy for him.. cuz he's really really happy with her.. although it does kinda hurt that he's with somebody else.. but i guess i couldn't expect him to wait for me.. so its alrite.. i just want him happy.. and he is.. so it's all good i guess.. i just hope she doesn't end up hurting him.... but ever sicne he has started dating her, he hasn't really talked to me much lately.. me and viv will call him, and he hardly talks... i talked to him by myself on friday nite, and he didn't really talk... he never does anymore.. i don't kno whats wrong.. maybe he just doesn't need me anymore... i'm hoping that's not it.. but it might be.... with hayley... thigns are weird... she hasn't been talkin to me as much.. she doesn't seem to need me either anymore... she has her other friends it seems.. on friday i went with her to six flags, we had to take this guy ryan with us.. he's from somewhere near chicago, and was down for the weekend and shit.. so we took him, he was really hot, at first he wasn't talkin, but i was been really hyper, and by the time the nite was over, he was wayyyyyy hyper too, or he was bein himself at least it seems.. but the problem was.. i wasn't his type, he kept callin me a "punk rocker" and sayin that i would like his friend renee, and he kept lookin at hayley, i could see it in his eyes that he liked her.. i wish i could get a hot guy to like me... but i kno i can't... cuz i'm more of a friend to guys, than a gf.. i like being friends with guys, alot, they're alot of fun... but sometimes... it hurts to see them with other girls, when i really like them.. and i can never tell them how i feel.. but i'm used to hidding my feelings.... so i'll live... i like zeke, i really do... he's amazing... he's funny.. and he cares alot about others.. he puts their happiness before his.. but ever since me n him broke up.. he's still been really quiet and shit.. i wish he would talk more.. tell me how he really feels and shit.. i worry bout him.. i just want him to be happy... i would do anything for him to be happy... i really would... he deserves to be happy... he didn't have much of a childhood either... and i wish he could be happy.. he's dating this one girl rite now.. but i don't think she's doing him any good... i kinda wish he wasn't going out with her.. maybe if he wasn't.. maybe i would ask him out.. i don't kno if i would.. but i kinda think i might... but i guess i'm just too late.. since he's still with her.. although the other day, he told me.. he was thinkin of breakin up with her.. i don't kno if he will or is still thinkin bout it.. i kinda hope he is.. so i can maybe ask him out then... although i doubt i'd make him happy if i did... i don't kno... and jeff... i want him to be happy too.. he has such a good heart, he really does, its in a really good place.. he reminds me of me.. just how much he cares for others.. even if he doesn't kno them.. he already told me i'm one of his friends.. which made me happy.. and sun nite when i was sad and hurt bout all the stuff with jason and my other friends.. he made me happy.. he had sent me this pic of him.. it made me laugh.. and i loved it.. at first he had told me not to save it.. but when i told him i loved it and that it actually made me laugh, he let me save it.. i can still see it in my mind even, but it's nice to go back to look at for laughs.. he said nobody else had that pic of him, and it made me feel special. then last nite when me, him n viv had been talkin bout her parents divorcin and shit.. he ended up talkin to me about what his dad used to do when he was a kid... i just stayed quiet, cuz it seemed to help him just to say it all, without me interupting... i think what his dad used to do, is the reason he's so protective of his friends, and doesn't like to see people hurt for something they didn't even do... but suddenly he was like, why am i telling you this... i don't kno why, but i kinda liked hearing that, cuz it made him realize he was telling me things... he was so comfortable with me, that he didn't even notice he was really telling me something that he tried to keep from other people now... he's a really good person though... although i kinda like him.. but i can keep that hidden and just hope it passes... he's really pretty too.. hehe i call him a sexy asian.. alrite, so i kinda ended up writin more then i was thinkin of... but o well...