me: i care... amanda: i know you do and i feel horrible about you me: why amanda: because i just left you last year and i feel horrible no one was there for me like you but i still just left.... im soo sorry me: dont worry bout it.. amanda: but i do.... you have no idea how i do hmm yeah, she says she cares, but ya kno what i find funny. is that she never talks about me in her journal, and i've read the entire thing. or in her xanga. or anywhere that she writes about her friends. she talks about her friend sara helpin her, her friend leah helpin her, lance helpin her... and then she comes and TELLS me that there was no one there for her like i was or whatever. but apparently i wasn't there enough for her to mention me. i mean, look, i'm mentionin her rite now. i mention her in my journal. and every now and then i'll mention her in my xanga. but of course, that apparently doesn't matter... whatever. i'm tired of all this shit. people tell me one thing, but they never seem to mention it to anybody besides me. i mean, i don't wanna be advertised or whatever, but i mean, if i'm so good, then why can't they say a tiny bit about me? i mean, whats up with that? BLAHHH. oooo and me n her seem like we have a one way friendship. ya kno, where she does all the talking, and i do all the listening. i try to help her. i listen to her problems. i ask her whats going on. does she ask me anything back? does she care about whats going on in my life? does she even give a fuckin shit about me???? NO! nobody fuckin does. i mean, i could be in so much pain, and nobody would care. i'm not rite now, but i'm not sure if that'll last for long. hmm and then hayley. ya kno.. she's bein really weird lately. she doesn't talk to me. she doesn't invite me anywhere. she doesn't call me. she doesn't do any fuckin shit with me! i mean, am i even still her friend? i'm thinkin not. i have to be the one to talk to her first. i have to be the one to invite her. i have to be the one to call her. and i mean, sometiems when i invite her, she can't even go, cuz she's with other people. and mainly it's just one other person. who she used to not even like. she used to always complain about having to hang out with her and all that shit. and she called her names and crap. but now, she's prefering to hang out with her instead of me. i mean what the fuck is up with that? am i just bein pushed aside and starting to be forgotten? cuz thats how it seems. with everybody actually. nobody calls me anymore. amanda called me today, to ask for calvin's fone number. she never calls me to just talk. hayley never calls me. justin doesn't call me, unless i call him first and ask him to call me back. and then lance never calls me anymore. and viv only calls me a few times. but she's the only one i got. i mean, people go and tell me that i'm a great person, or a really good friend, i'm always there for them, or some shit like that. but if i really am that great or whatever, why don't they ever talk to me?? do they only need me around when somethigns wrong with them??? i'm starting to go back to how i used to do things. i used to keep all my feelings up inside and shit, and i would write in my journal alot. then during the end of last year and during the summer, i got alot better. i told my friends my feeligns, i talked to them, i hardly ever wrote. and now, i'm starting to keep feelings inside again. i don't talk to anybody anymore. i write in my journal like each fuckin day. and i kno thats probably not good, but thats how things are starting to turn out again. god damn, everybodys getting a boyfriend or girlfriend. my god, what is this year like the find somebody to care about you year? cuz if it is, i'm not finding anybody. or does it only apply to everybody except me?? i've never even had a fuckin real boyfriend. and then there are girls that used to date like 6 guys and they have them. i mean, am i not good enough? i guess not. and amanda used to tell me she would help me get one. but she never has. never will. she says things, but she never goes through with them. it kinda annoys me how she treats guys. she has so many that would do anything for her. but she just doesn't do anything about them. and then she sees peter on tuesday, and suddenly she wants to dump lance and shit. and i'm like, wtf? just cuz you see peter suddenly you want him again and shit. thats not fuckin rite. lance loves her, and really cares about her, and she knos that. anywyas, peter's too smart for her. i never really thought was that smart, but he is. he doesn't like her anymore, and i'm proud of him for that. he really shouldn't try to get mixed up in her shit. she's got too much for him. he's just now starting highschool anyways. he needs to explore and find somebody that he likes. i hate how amanda talks so much about some guys.. and sometimes i might like them too.. but i don't tell her that. i mean, psh not like it would matter if i told her. she still would talk about them. and she'd still try to get me to try to get them for her. i don't mean get them for her, i just mean, make sure that they like her or osmething. but whatever. fuck it, i'm tired alreayd of talkin bout all this shit. it's all so fuckin gay. i hate it. whatever. fuck it.