i hate it when people think they kno me. they kno what i do. they kno why something may hurt me. i was talking to lauren today after skool. i told her my arm hurt. and she grabbed my arm and started lookin at it saying "i wonder why." i spit on her and ripped my arm out of her grasp. she has no idea how mad that made me. i laughed about it, cuz she hates spit and shit. but i was really pissed about it. nobody has any idea. and rite now it's really bothering me. because i haven't done that in so fuckin long. and she just thinks she knos everything about me. that fuckin bitch hasn't even fuckin hung out with me in so damn long. how the hell could she kno me??? it's just really pissin me off. my arm actually hurts because i had worked out on tuesday, and i was finally sore. cuz it takes bout a day or two to get sore. and that was what the problem was. then she laughed at me for workin out. like it was something i couldn't possibly do. like it was just so amazing i would work out. then we were talkin to these two guys. they both said they thought she could beat me. i laughed at that. then the guy said he could probably beat me. i'm not sure if he could. i'd like to find out. i didn't tell them i was in karate. they don't need to kno that. i'll wait till i'm a higher belt, and fight them and see how they like that. ha, i'd laugh if i beat them. then one of the guys kept talkin bout how i was always in his group. i was only in it once. and actually, that was so i could be in the same group as the guy i liked, not that fuck face. cuz that guy annoys me. and he doesn't like me, i don't like him. it's mutual. i really need a way to get all my steam out. i have alot on my mind rite now. and nothin is going too great. i wanna to go stephen's funeral tom, but i still have no idea how i would get there. i wanna spend the nite at lauren's house tonite, but i bet she wouldn't want me to after spitting on her. but whatever. she's just a fuckin pussy. she really needs to get over shit. i had lance spit all in my fuckin hair, and i didn't flip out as much as she did. she probably woulda gotten up and taken a shower. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ i'm reading this book called, define "normal." it's really good. kinda like me. it's bout this prissy kinda girl, then a punker kinda girl. they gotta do peer counseling together. the prissy girl thinks the punker girl doesnt care bout anything and shit. thats kinda how people see me. they think i'm just some, hell, i don't kno what the fuck they think i am, but it seems like they don't care. nobody really knos me. i keep so much shit up inside. i read. i write poems. i'm writting a story. i care about people. i listen. i like disney movies and songs. i like alot of shit people wouldn't ever try to put together with me. and hell, that's fuckin fine with me. i don't want people to kno me. they don't need to. i don't want them to change what they think of me if they got to kno me. let them keep their damn labels. --------------------------------------------- i wish i could cry. i want to. i need to. i've held so much shit inside. i have no way to get it out. i'm so dead set on not cutting. i'm not going to do it. that's one thing i will not do. i promise that to myself. i don't care if i promise it to anyone else. i might not hold it if i do that. but i don't want to. i don't need to. i can do so much fuckin better then that. i really can. i'll find another way. i dont kno what yet. but i will. i'm getting better. i'll stay better. i won't go back to how i used to be. i'm sure of that. but i do wish i could cry. i've held up shit inside. i didn't cry when i found out stephen died. i don't cry when my friends are crying or sad. i feel so damn empty inside. i need to feel something. that was mainly why i cut. to feel something. anything. even if it was pain. i just need to be able to feel. i don't like feeling empty. i have to find ways to change how i feel. how i see things. i'll have to figure out on my own. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> apparently i'm going to have to count on myself. i can't count on others. no one is there for me. no one will talk to me. i love it when my friends say "i'm here for you" "talk to me any time, i'll listen" all their bullshit. thats all it is. it's never true. and they never hold up to it. i try to talk to them. i think, maybe they meant it. maybe i can try to talk to them. i try, and find out they didn't mean it. they dont' want to talk. they don't want to hear about my shit. i listen to so many people's shit. but who listens to mine? who's there for me, like i am for them? i put aside my feeligns. i hide what i really feel. i try to help them. does anyone do that for me? does anyone ask what's wrong, and mean it, and want to kno. not just kno the answer, kno whats wrong? i never even tell anyone anything anymore. not even justin. i'll listen to his shit. but he won't bother with mine. i did talk to him a lil bout stephen's death. but that was all. and he never asks how i am. how i feel. how my day was. any fuckin shit. what the fuck is up with that? why won't anyone fuckin care bout me??????