i love viv. i really do. she's so amazing. last nite i had been kinda down and shit. well except for when i was dancing. hehe. but once i was done, i wad down again. but then she called, and somehow i had gotten hyper. i seem to do that alot when i talk to her. well most of the time at least. so i was laughing and jokin around the whole nite. it felt nice. cuz it was true laughs and true smiles. i hadn't felt that in a while. we just talked about little things kinda, nothing really serious. then we called justin's dad, and he was getting drunk, so he told us to call justin at home. so we called him, but he had friends over, so the fone got passed around to them, they were cool, but they ended up leaving. i kinda wish they hadn't. i really had wanted to talk to justin... i kinda wanna tell him i had cut on thurs. i think he deserves to kno. because i've told zeke... blahh i hate it though.. cuz he told me he had accidently cut, and was like 'just thought you deserved to kno' and so that made me feel bad for not telling him, so finally i told him. and then he told me he kne i had.. and that he had already done something about it.. he told me he cut his back like 3 times or something.. i was like what the fuck?? how could you have known i did it. and he was like, i just had a feeling you did... god, i wish he wouldn't have done that.. and i mean, what if i hadn't really?? then he woulda just done it for no reason.. blahh i don't like him doing something if i do it.. he really shouldn't.. i'm not a reason for somebody else to hurt themselves... meh but i like him.. i wish i didn't.. i mean, he's got a gf.. he probably doesn't even like me anymore.. but i still do.. justin better not do anything when i tell him though.. cuz if he does, i'll kick his ass.. cuz he can't do anything.. i've already had one other person hurt themselves cuz of me.. i'm not gonna have another... i need a smoke... --------------------------------------------- i got to see a rainbow today, it looked really pretty, but it was kinda fadded, so i couldn't see it too good. but it kinda gave me new hope.. i'm not sure if that'll make sense on how it does.. but it does for me.. hmm i dun kno, guess i'll have to try to make the best of it.. not sure how.. but i'll find a way... --------------------------------------------- i feel like i have some of the weirdest emotions... like one min i'll just be so depressed and shit, and hate everything, but wnat to be better... and the next, i'll be content and happy with how things are, and just want my friends around to talk to and shit. i don't kno, it's so weird. i don't really like it though. cuz it kinda makes me confused alot. i don't kno, i think i'm just a weird person... --------------------------------------------- i'm in a mood to read.. i don't kno what, becuase i don't wanna read any of the books i've already read.. but i don't have any books at home that would be good. which kinda makes me mad. i wanna go to barnes and noble or half price books and get me some new ones. cuz i haven't read in a while, and i miss it. if anybody has any good suggestions of a good book, please tell me. weeee pay it forwards on rite now! i love this movie. but it's so sad how the kid dies. i love him. he's got such a good heart... blahh i'm weird, i've got so many weird emotions with me. like rite now, i'm in a mood to like, clean my room and shit. but i have to go in my room and do my hw. but after that i think i will clean some. and i'll watch pay it forward. cuz i love it. --------------------------------------------- i hate seeing all these people that are couples and shit.. they're all holding hands.. i wish i had somebody.. i never have had a real relationship... and i really wish i could have one.. people that are just walking all over the place holding hands or being together or something, just make thigns suckier for me.. blahh i'm not sure whta i'm tryin to say.. cuz i had writtin this entry earlier.. and it ended up messing up.. and it really pissed me off.. cuz i really liked whta i had said. blahh i feel like i'm loosing my friend hayley. she never talks to me.. and we only do stuff if i call her... and i feel like i'm loosing amanda... she never does anything with me unless we're goin with lance.. and she never calls me, or IMs me on the internet.. it's sad.. i talk to my friends that i haven't ever really met, more than the ones that are here. and i like the ones i haven't ever really met. i have more in common with them. the people that live here, almost just ignore me and all that shit. if i could have a wish, it would be to be able to fly all over the place, just so i could see all my friends. psh but i would prefer just to stay there with them and shit. i wish i could at least visit viv.. blahh i don't kno.. i just hate how things are and shit... this woulda been longer if it would have worked when i first did it.. but since it didn't.. then it's not as long... disney lied... dreams don't come true...