This isn’t much of a diary really. I can’t say what I want. Sorry everyone (you know who you are) but you know it’s true. You don’t tell the ultimate truth here. If you do, I admire you more than you could ever know. I’ve never told anyone everything before. It just doesn’t happen. You wouldn’t trust someone with that. I wrote a letter again. I keep writing them. I can’t even think about it. I shouldn’t think about it. I need to live now and worry about that later. But I couldn’t help it. I wrote the letter, and even then I didn’t tell the complete. Everyone, everywhere, will carry one secret to their grave. How can you tell anyone everything anyway? How can you heap the pain and the blame onto them? I couldn’t hate someone enough to use them as my emotional dustbin. I’m not particularly good at gauging when people have heard enough. I tend to tell people far too much. My family are over at the moment. What would happen if they knew everything about me? Would they disown me? And I don’t even mean SH, my mum’s probably blabbed that to someone. I meant, every thought I've ever had, every word I've ever said, every person I've ever hurt. Sometimes I see the way they look at me and I can see that they're ashamed of me already. What would they say if they saw the real me? Is there a 'real' me though? There are different sides of me for different people. Whatever 'real' me there was, whatever innocent, unaware little child there was, has totally gone. It's been wiped out by all the lies. I'm starting to believe them. How can I be so blind to what's really there? You're a nice person really, I like you. Well that, my dear, is because you don't know me. And you never have, and if things carry on the way they look like they probably are, then you never will. And I'm sorry about that, but really, you probably don't want to know me. I've tried to show people, and look where it's got me. Okay, so I have the nicest friends I could possibly have, but that's only after I realised that the real me couldn't possibly make friends with anyone, and changed so she could become half acceptable. I can assure you of one thing - I will try and lie for as long as I can. When I can't anymore, I will leave you. ~ Someday you will find me Caught beneath the landslide In the champagne supernova in the sky