11.27pm This song makes me feel good. Who even cares anymore? I make all these entries that really don't make sense just so that I can confuse people. There's no point in private entries, because I have a diary that I just fail to write in enough. I feel like I let myself down with that, but it's only a stupid diary. I like looking back. I was reading my diary from 2004 the other day and all the stuff I said is just funny, my outlook on pretty much everything has changed so much. My thought processes are entirely different. The one thing I noticed running through it all, a constant theme, if my selfishness. I just think about myself first naturally, and then have to make myself think unselfishly. I suppose at least now I try to think of other people. I read over previous entries sometimes and realise how utterly self-absorbed a lot of this stuff is, but to me this place is where I can be self-absorbed and boring, and no-one should care. I guess it's my perogative to be boring some of the time. I can't be hyper and 'funny' 24/7. See people say I'm funny but I think it's more funny because they're laughing at me, rather than with me. But then again I generally laugh at myself quite a lot too so that's Ok. We were in Costa Coffee today and I tripped over a bag when I was trying to go out which was quite funny, and very graceful if I do say so myself. I think I'm having a clumsy phase/day. I wonder what I would do if the world ended tomorrow? We were kind of talking about that at youth group. Well, no, someone said it could and then I was thinking about it on my own. I guess I'd be happy. That sounds really odd, but seeing as I believe that I'm going somewhere which is infinitely better than here then I don't mind. But I don't want to lose my friends and family just yet. I've always been scared that I'm going to be one of the ones left behind on judgement day. There was a film called Left Behind, which I've never seen, but my bible study leader was talking about it, how some people were left in churches, and they weren't saved. That just scares me utterly. Mind you, I guess a lot of people would say most of my faith is based on being scared of things. Sometimes I can see your point. When I'm being particularly doubtful. Other times I can see your individual points but I just don't think it is. I like being able to say what I like here. And deleting comments is a major power too. That's just fun. I don't like people saying mean things. Although I am dealing better now with negative comments than I ever have done before. I guess I've always been sensitive. I also like having religious debates with people. One of the people I talk most to on MSN is a satanist, and we have very interesting conversations. He's a lovely guy, but we aren't exactly similar, so sometimes it's just amusing when we're both trying to prove points to each other which neither of us are going to accept. It sounds pretty pointless but it is fun. I'm doing that thing where I stay up too late so that I don't lie in bed for ages without going to sleep. I love that feeling where you snuggle into bed and then just fall asleep. That's the feeling I'm aiming for. Which is why my writing tonight is a bit groggy. Bear in mind that it's written with a tired brain. ----- My new indulgence is finding a diary I like and reading it from start to finish.