I told Matt that I'm done with love for now. I know it's the right decision but fear that I won't be able to keep to it. It's hard to go against nature, but it's the safest way. Things are still changing for me and I don't wanna involve anyone in the mess. The battle front at home is just building for the end. Beth is really pushing the folks to their ends. Sure they like Kyle, but they don't know this one thing I'm forced to keep from them in order to please Beth. If I were to tell them, well, she'd hate me and war would break out 3 years early. I'm in the middle of the end of my family and can't do anything about it. I want to make everyone happy. I'm sacrificing my happiness to prevent others from sorrow. The problem is, I'm causing myself pain and yet I'm okay with. I'm use to hurting myself to please others. Maybe I'm suppose to do this the rest of my life. I'm not sure but I do know that right now, I'm through with love. I can't go through it and face everything that is going down. I keep myself semi-busy so I don't have to feel the loneliness all the time. When it hits, it knocks me off my feet and stays until I can't handle it and push it away. *Sigh* I also wonder about things with Kay. She seems to be pushing me away without telling me. It has nothing to do with Matt. It's what I feel anymore. She isn't around. She keeps going to NY and I don't blame her. Her love is there, but then she also has ppl back here. I know it's selfish but I'm so tired of the ppl I hold closest leaving in one aspect or another. That's why I'm doing this. This is the motivation. I won't let ppl get hurt while things go down, I musn't. I'm a strong person. I was in the past and will just have to find it again. I hate doing this, I truly do. I just can't prevent it. I need to be strong, alone, to be able to take everything. The trail, the family war, losing friendships. Life in general. It's too much to endure with a person there trying to help balance it for me. I have to hurt myself. I have to do this alone to keep everyone happy and safe. -Kat- All of my life I gave to you Take my hand As I wonder through