i am homeless, and a drunk, ill lose my bloody mind if something doesnt change. bloody hell.... soup...

so, found a new guy, hes childish and adolescent and i dont want him. now to get rid of him....idiot...

stupid nightmares about stupid jerk again. i hate him...and i hate this lonely hurt feeling inside, i want to cut but ive been so good lately.....my dreams are all these crazy things lately, in the last two weeks in my dreams ive fucked manson (yeah - i liked that one, no complaints here) made out with two of my friends (torture as they would never look at me that way) and yesturdays....that one hurt, woke up in tears.....

everyone is writting haikus...fight club attacks levi: we all started it i doubt we will finish it who are we to blame lets let the sun shine we can run far far away let the sun shine bright Chris: haikus are the best they give us something to do time to go to class with all weeping sorrow time fades the pain of your soul drop and give me twenty the old people smell lets kill them all with bullets smell of death is worse Lesi: faint icy star-shine standing stones echo voices caught beneath the earth Ben: Are my haikus good? I worked very hard on them all, I wrote them myself. lets flood the network our beautiful words across screens, haikus rule the world Mine: school is ending soon Good bye to all my good friends i hate writting these

so much work. homework, keeping myself afloat, ive had the best week ever, monday: drank southern comfort - felt really good tuesday - went to valleyfair wednessday - drank southern comfort - slept super good thursday - went to art museum, drank southern comfort, had dance Friday - its friday, my sisters go to there dads, party. w00t

the happy drunkeness is wearing off and im starting to miss james a lot lately, my cutting has been taken down quiet a bit because im scared to scar really bad and i dont feel much anymore which means i have no reason to cut. i feel pretty upset with my mom sometimes but my main reason for cutting has become an empty space so, i dont need to cut about james. i miss him a lot right now and i wish like all hell he would come home to me and leave that jessica girl but alas, he wont. he never will come back to me, almost two years of my life gone on him....trusting he would never leave or hurt me, but he left when i needed him the most (i was crying myself to sleep every night about how hopeless the world was, contemplating giving up on life because i havent done anything to help the current state and i just needed someone to help me back on the right path, but he was "to busy" with his radio show and student government and partying with that jessica girl, yeah....what was i? his worthless little plaything? his current and temporary little toy?) i dont know, im still a little buzzed. maybe i can keep this current drunken state for a night or two...probably will need more then the 3/4 pop bottle of southern comfort i have (im sharing with like three people)....fucking a... moms being nuts lately to...i want to go home, where home used to be, in jims arms. so much love, did i ever diserve it? i doubt it, but it felt so good and i loved him so so much....love smove man, im the gunk under that boys shoes...dude...fuck that, that last 3/4 bottle of so co is mine! im gonna get drunk and im gonna cry my sorry sorry ass to sleep...

oh james, why must you?? you have left ratm, given up on me, and you are so heartless and cold now, what happened my love? why so heartless?? lets see in the past two days, i have cut, drank three times and gotten horribly horribly sick because of it, i dont know why but the alcohol doesnt want to stay down, it churns in my stumach and wants to come up....ive been cutting, i cant seem to stop and i want to.....i cant cry either....death would seem good, but i cant bring myself to do it.....my brother is coming home!

i keep on cutting myself, james keeps on coming online and everytime i talk to him i just want to slit my wrists at all the lies i believed and trusted and planned my life around, this journal is just all about my dedication to him really, and jake at times, lawrence i dont know....so many many things he said, they all come back and hurt like hell. i dont want to do anything anymore, ive fallen...bre doesnt even bring things to me anymore so she wont be a trigger so i wont cut. i have dried blood all down my arm, i cut four times in the bathroom and its not even lunch time.....im getting out of control, i really want a drink. the cuts dont hurt, well the one on my thigh does but, whatever, i wish i could cut out my heart and not feel anything again....

well, my best friend has an std, she is scared as hell about dying, and i just broke down like all hell on zach, i dont want to lose her, she held me up so long after the james thing, shes always there to support me and i love her so much...i dont think that ive been there all the time like she has for me, i replied to her email telling her how much i love her and how i will always love her and how no matter what i am not leaving her. i dont fucking care that she slept around a little and caught this stupid std...i love her so much, i could never leave her. she was worried i was going to...im shaking right now, i just fell apart so bad, jesse is going to break up with me, he sent me a pissed off fucking email...but i dont care, guys come and go but my baby girl has been there from day one. with our under the table club (in the tenth grade, no wonder people think were insane) and our going threw guys like they were disposable tissues at a chick flick, and our breakups with people, how loving certain guys at this point comes and goes but we always stay together and were always there individually if we need each other, we disapear from time to time and do our thing but were always there when we need the other....i dont want to lose her.... i mean shit...i need her, and i dont know what i would do without her, well...shes not dead yet and quiet possibly has another twenty years...i hope..

national day of silence. um, jim failed a +....red....

well, this wek is hell week, i cut earlier in the bathroom. that sucked, i dont know, getting threw today is hard, i realized earlier three days ago would have been my one year aniversary with james, that fucking sucks. so yeah, my arm doesnt even hurt. chances are ill end up with a few more cuts threw today, i dont know, i havent burned in forever. i dont even know how i feel about anything at this point, like yesturday, i was a happy little hippie chick and was soo insanely attraced to my boyfriend i was going insane, and today im all sad and shit again feeling abandoned and pathetic. i cant believe it, i feel like the biggest fuck up in the world, this weekend im gonna learn html. Zach gave me something to look forward to, a + actually, "and now you will understand more of what makes those hot geek boys you love so much, wold go around" i love the geek boys. love them love them. im gonna apply for a job at irish on grand. w00t hot irish boys! lol, i want a cute dancer. that would be cool. that would make me smile, but right now, i dont feel like smiling, or feeling, i just feel empty, and kind of weak actually, and my arm feels wet, maybe one of the cuts reopened.... that would be just fucking great, it really doesnt matter anymore i dont think, i woke up this morning and mom started freaking out and shit, blah. wheres my angel to make it all go away? hes dating someone else, and that little angel that used to live in my corner at the old house, he hasnt been following me around a lot anymore, maybe he was like my purple fairy queen and wasnt real.....maybe im not real?

what happened to my dream? of the two of us living in a shitty down town apartment? cuddling each other cause the heat is out. the two of us surviving by sheer will and love for each other. nothing else in the world making a difference? what happened to your dream? the one of you waking up with me in your arms? the victorian house and our medical degrees? what happened to you my love? part of you died and left me? where have you gone? why will you not come back to me?

How to make a johnny Ingredients: 3 parts jealousy 5 parts courage 1 part Method:Blend at a low speed for 30 seconds. Add a little cocktail umbrella and a dash of caring Username: Personality cocktailFrom Go-Quiz.com

so, ill live some more, no bathroom suicide, james isnt worth my life. dance is worth sticking with, life is worth living threw. saint patricks day is good even though im sober. i love you.

yha, lifes pointless. im tired, hurled on myself today..

but im doing it at school anyways, an update, jesse is addicted to cutting, zach got dumped, james still doesnt love me, ed is awake again and talking. and.....i miss james, im drinking vodka at school...nice...just fucking great...

huh? where is it i want to drink it, i want to drink and go to sleep, im sad, i miss james, jesses cutting himself again...

sook some more of that shit today, this time im not sick times ten, zach took two today and i took one, yesturday he took one and i took two, got violently ill, jesse came by last night, he really shouldnt have, i swear, my grades came today and i got my appeals papers, jesus im a dead girl. fucking christ im sleepy..... its pretty and blue! two shades of blue! oooo, lol, im so tired!

well, so heres the thing, i dont care about school anymore, as you have noticed james all up and yelled at me, like a bitch. jesse i dont know about him, hes nice and i just dont wanna be with him, hes to dependant. urg! star is gonna find me a cute geek boy. *smiles* yay lol. seeing as mine turned into a major ass. jake is going to arizona for a week with jessica (i hate every chick named jessica now a days with the exeption of jessica pierce.) yeah, i think im gonna go sit in my closet when i get home be like, woot! i live in a closet! lol sorry. anyways, yes, james still believes in me it seems, i should e-mail him and ask, like everytime i used to think i could actually go anywhere in life it was because he told me i could and had the ability, sadly a lot of my memories are painful at least where he is concerned. i found my poetry book and i have a bunch of things he said to me written in there, i dont know, maybe i should tape his picture back together someday soon. thats gonna take a bitchin load of patience, well im gonna go email him....hugs

i walk around like im either dead or stoned lately. decided that seeing as both simon and i are gonna have to move soon (or are geting thrown out, its our common worry were sharing right now) im going to write a song about living under a bridge. seeing as thats probably where were going to end up. is living under a bridge, hes meeting me at school when i get off rotation at three, all that time he was locked up he was just down the block from me, i should have went to see him at lunch time, he saw us. hard to believe i used to write in here everyday. oh! ed opened his eyes yesturday! they let him a little bit out of his drug induced coma. maybe he will have a few years left after all? my sister, sierra, the more she gets worried about eds health the more she ups the years she says he is going to live, i swear, ive never seen such denial of mortality. she is young though, as am i, but six years means a lot. i freaked out when i found out my grandma was dying in fourth grade, death seems so drawn out lately. the doctors keep you alive with machines and pills, back in the day, you got sick, you better pray. morality didnt seem such a crime, it was expected. it wasnt anyless sad but yeah, i dont know where im going with this....funk...