man, totally rejected by my peers, i know i shouldnt feel bad because who cares if that ghetto ass girl wants to work with me, but i still cant help but feel rejected, even my best friend completely rejected me without a reason that he would give me, but id been feeling like it was going to happen, just got that vibe you know? i just want to fucking jump, made it threw the weekend with only three small cuts and two burns, i stopped doing that shit a while ago because james threatened to hang himself if i kept on "hurting myself", granted i dont feel any better but i sure as shit dont feel any worse for having done it. im not even comfortable in my own body anymore. i wonder if i ever was, come to think of it i really dont know, saw jordan yesturday, his girlfriend is fucking ugly, looks like she came straight out of the seventies, my god does she look old, i thought she was his mom at first but said nothing just in case she wasnt. which was good because she did turn out to be his girlfriend, also jordan stopped smoking for her which i find completely unbelievable, i think he just hides it. i dont know who he thought he was kidding telling me he was sober. talked to james a bit, i ended up calling my friend micheal crying, he didnt answer the phone but called me back later worried as hell, i dont ever cry but shit thats all i really want to do now a days, i called jake and thanked him for the rose, he said "oh of course it was my pleasure, a pretty flower for a pretty girl" which was sweet and i felt kinda good about myself for a while. then i found this letter i wrote james back in the day right after he asked me to marry him (what a bunch of crap) and i just kept on talking about how sweet he was and how i would die for him if i had to. yeah well, back in the day he said that shit to me to and promised he would always love me and be my best friend. yeah well, i should have known better, in fact i think i did, but somehow let myself believe all of his shit about co dependency and love and how when he said i will love you forever he meant forever, yeah well, i was right in not believeing him..lawrence says he still loves me and wants me back but i just want to go away, i missed another party this weekend, another chance for escape... james never approved of running away from a problem and up until now i usually jumped in head first in the attempt at fixing it, but now i just wanna get smashed. i dont care about school, no one likes me here anyways, my best friend dropped me, tabbi cat doesnt need me anymore she is "in love" with yet another boy. my mom asked the girls about me eating and of course they said they havent seen me eat in the past couple of weeks, granted i havent been eating with the family, but ive been eating, probably to much actually, but oranges are good for you, even if dr. pepper doesnt count as food i dont care, its the only shit keeping me awake, i dont even want to be awake anymore. sleep is so fucking peaceful... sigh. fuck i just want to run away, but thats not who i am...thanksgiving is going to be complete hell...