motivation level has reached zero. i dont even want to get up in the mornings anymore. james is not coming back to me or calling or ever talking to me again. i think jake is just an advil or something, he makes it go away for a little bit. the song apart makes me cry, i can so fucking relate. i just want him to come back to me, even if it was just lies, this shit really hurts, i mean i thought i knew pain when lawrence had fucked around with my emotions in ninth and tenth grade but at least then i could cry, now i can only cry one or two tears then i just lay there on my bed or my floor trying to will the massive head ache away. its the worst at night. or in the early mornings when the rest of the world is sleeping (well the rest of the world exept for jake and ben) i feel really weak and every movement takes so much energy from me. even typing is a pain in the ass. i just wanna go back to bed and curl up around my pillow with the radio cranked, but i cant i have kids to watch (my sisters) im taking them to the library later. jake might meet us there. it will be...interesting, to say the least, when my sisters meet him. he looks so much older then me, because of his facial hair (beard and mustache, other wise he looks like he is twelve) you can still tell he is young, but he looks like he is twenty five. im only sixteen thats almost a ten year difference and i look about my age, depending on what i wear. jeans and t shirts make me look younger then i really am, and i wear makeup under my eyes to hide the circles. god do i feel drained.....i cant wait to get back to school, mindless work and alot of people, i wont have to think anymore. and i can block out the feelings about sixteen hours at a time. fuck.....im to tired to keep on typing...which is sad because i just woke up at 11:30 in the after noon, and its only 13:05 right now...i have to go start the sink to do the dishes.....