I'm always baffled by how quickly things change. Life seems so reliable, it seems so stable and constant. But its not. At any time, shit can happen that completely changes your situation. This time last week I made a post, and I felt like the top of the fucking world. It seems I may have tripped and fallen, and its a long way down. Jackie sprung on me today that she is planning on leaving for Vancouver in 2 weeks or so. Thats right, she gave me 2 weeks notice that she's moving and taking my son accross the provice because she "needs to get into a proper headspace". Like she can't do that here. So now I have to hurry around with legal stuff to prevent her from just taking him; there's no way in hell I'm going to let her randomly move with him. I'm not against her moving, but for fuck's sake if she's making such a jump she needs to have her shit together before Demi comes out there. I told her that I'd take him for a month or two so she could get settled and then we can work out some sort of back-and-forth agreement. Which she promptly shot down; apparently she's fucking superwoman and will have no problem getting settled into a new city and finding a new job while she's got a 3 year old to look after. Not to mention that after a long fight with her, she just says a bunch of shit and confuses the fuck out of me as to whether or not she's actually going to go after all. If I wasn't so frustrated and stressed due to everything else going on, I might try to clarify, but right now I just need to be by myself and chill. Everything with Kristi has fallen apart. When she said that she didn't want a relationship and she just wanted to be casual, apparently that really only applied to me. She's met a guy who she feels like she COULD get into a relationship with, and thus I'm left out in the rain. And this whole thing just doesn't make sense; she says that she was starting to feel pressured into a relationship with me (mostly through other people, but I guess she saw my romance as a bit of a push) and that caused her to put distance between her and I because its not what she was looking for. But if thats now what she was looking for, where does the bait and switch of this other guy come in? I was more than happy to just be with her in any way I could, relationship or otherwise. I feel like, one again, I've been replaced. For some reason, apparently women like me just fine until they find somebody they like a little bit more. Its a pattern that has developed over the years and I'm getting tired of it and I don't know what I'm doing wrong. The rest of my romantic life hasn't been the best either, Mary is just too busy to go out much and with the semester nearing its end I think I would be better off just letting that romance go and enjoy a friendship. It sounds like its time for a clean slate with a lot of things in my life. There's beauty in a clean slate, but there's also more than enough loneliness to go around.

Its been a while since my last entry, lots has happened but I haven't found the words for it really. Part of it is that I honestly wasn't sure of how things were going, I didn't want to state something only to find out that my assumptions were wrong and have a fool made of me. But I think I've got the direction of my life locked down for the time being so I feel comfortable putting it down in words. School has been going well enough I suppose, I'm sucking hard at my accounting courses as usual but I'm finding my way to pass them somehow. The others are pretty easy as far as I'm concerned but they're more homework based than test based and my laziness gets in the way of good grades. I'll keep on learning and do the same old thing as always. I'm modeling in the student fashion show again this year, and I'll be actually MCing the even this time. I feel all important and shit. Things with Marion have been largely frozen but still there. Between her trips to various places in the province on long weekends and our midterms I haven't had a chance to actually go on many dates with her. We went and took some salsa dancing lessons a few weeks back and that was good.... as per usual I rocked out the two left feet and only survived based on my ability to laugh at myself but I think she enjoyed it. She's only in the area for another month and a bit, and I haven't even really gotten close to her. I hope I get to actually manage some romance before she leaves... something to remember that french vision of beauty by. Everything with Kristi has gone..... in the most unexpected ways. I'm finding myself very emotionally drawn to her, very attached to her. I could fall in love with her if I let myself. And I'm sure she's feeling the same for me..... but she's made it absolutely clear that she's got no interest in making this a serious romantic affair. We're dating, we're sleeping together, it is most definitely romantic but she doesn't want to have any commitment or belonging or responsability involved with any of it.... honestly that sort of thing catches me off guard. Isn't it usually the man clinging to freedom and the woman trying to lock him down? I feel almost as though its the other way around... I would be more than happy to maintain the way things are (I mean its all the benefits of a relationship and one of the payments) but it almost feels wrong. I feel like she should be offended by the fact that I'm not committing to her. Most girls would be. But she's not most girls I suppose. My whole love life is just a fucking weird spot. I look at my situation and I feel almost guilty. I feel like this is too good to be true and there must be somebody being hurt by it. I'm romantically involved with Kristi and I'm dating Marion on the side, with the freedom to date as many other women as I want. I feel like I'm living almost a playboy lifestyle and everything I've been taught all my life is telling me in my gut that its not right and there's something wrong with this situation and that somebody is being hurt by my actions. But nobody is. I'm being encouraged; when I briefly talked to Kristi about the possibility of a relationship between her and I (after a few nights of second-guessing her enthusiasm about our casual situation) she was genuinely uncomfortable with the idea of a real commitment. If it weren't for that very awkward conversation I would think that she was just letting me do what she thought I wanted, but now I am 100% certain that this is exactly what she wants as well. I feel like I'm living a life too good to be true, one that I do not deserve. Maybe I've paid my dues and I'm coming back into a second golden age of my 20s after a year and a half of heartbreak and bullshit. I'm not sure I deserve success just yet though. I've got a meeting tomorrow morning with a local business owner who was given my contact information when he did some looking around for 'the right people' to help him expand his business from where it is into where he wants it to be. I'm flattered that he actually sought me out and offered to take me out for lunch to discuss an offer; I might have a job that I never even applied for, before I'm even out of school. This is what I mean when I say that things seem too good to be true. This seems to be the yin-yan of my life: when things are going bad I feel as though I am a decent person who doesn't deserve to be screwed by life; when things are going good I feel as though I am ONLY a decent person and do not deserve the fortune I'm being shown. I think I'll take the undeserved success, if I have the choice between the two.

I feel like I've played this game before, like I know these movements and I know where this is going. Everything with Kristi feels so much like how things started with Kat... the passion, the completely obscene chemistry and the overwhelming feeling of closeness with her. She's over here almost every day, and even then I miss her when she's gone. She's so hard to get out of my head. Its just like it was when Kat and I first fell in love; we used to miss one another when we were in seperate rooms. We could waste hours together doing nothing and be absolutely content. The similarities are startling, actually. Even things that aren't how I feel; they're just facts. Once more I'm falling head over heels for a single mom with a horribly abusive ex-boyfriend. I'm a boob man, and both Kat and Kristi have very little bust to speak of but the most amazing asses I've ever seen. Maybe thats part of why I was attracted to her in the start, the physical similarities I mean? And there's still Marion, the french exchange girl; she's a whole different kind of mystery to me. She's only here for the semester and I want to get to know her as well as I can while she's here. There's just so much to learn, so many differences between our nations that I would never have appreciated without having met her. She actually makes me nervous... I'm so attracted to her and the cultural barriers are preventing me from really reading her which sets me so far off balance that I stumble over my words. Half the time I feel so comfortable around her, but the other half I feel like a 14 year old boy learning to flirt for the first time. And I think I like that about her.... I've gotten so used to being charming and its nice in a way to have those heart-pounding nerves again while talking to a pretty girl. In a way I feel guilty for casually dating and not actually committing to one or the other. I feel like I'm not giving them the respect they deserve.... I've gotten so used to monogamous romance that this sort of situation is awkard for me. But there's reasoning behind it.... Kristi only left her ex a few months ago, and after all he put her through I think she needs time time to be free before she's ready to really commit to somebody again. And Marion is only here for the semester, then she's back to France. I respect them both, and I've made sure that they know where I stand. It seems like such a simple system; I casually date them both for a few months, experience them both and learn from the relationships with each of them, and by the time Marion goes back home Kristi will have been given plenty of time and she'll be ready to actually get into a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. It seems so systematic when I lay it out like that... and something about it rubs me the wrong way. Its just not what I'm used to. And I suppose at the end of the day it creates the greatest net gain for everyone involved..... and I can't see anything morally/ethically wrong with it. But I feel like I'm crossing some sacred line. Its probably just because I'm not used to this sort of thing.

I was right about the door-to-door sales job; it has completely killed my fear of rejection. The one big hangup I had for meeting ladies has been broken. Before, once I got a girl into conversation I tended to be rock solid... but that icebreaking introduction would terrify me. Not so anymore. Since school started I've met so many pretty girls.... but there's really only 2 that interest me right now. Which is more than I'm used to. I'm usually a one woman guy.... I fall in love too easily, I have a really hard time playing the field because I develop feelings. Just too much of a romantic I suppose. I met Marion in my OB class, she's an exchange student from nothern France. We went out for dinner and a movie last friday, and just talking with her is amazing because I learn so much about the cultural differences. And god her accent is hot. And her smile, augh, just melts me. And she's so damn mysterious..... I can't flirt with her like I do most girls because the cultural barriers prevent me from accurately reading her reactions to things. So I'm forced to just rely on humor... keep her laughing, right? Kristi is a friend of Jackie's, they're not very close though, who I met when she came over to hang out one day. Since then, Kristi and I have hit it off... she lives literally down the street at the moment and we've got the most intense physical chemistry. Put us in a room alone together and we honestl just can't keep our hands to ourselves, its almost embarassing. She's a mom too, so she understands everything with Demitri and doesn't get at all awkward about the fact that I'm a dad. They're both amazing girls, and I honestly want to stay in the middle for the moment because they both appeal to very different sides of me. Marion is exotic and exciting, she keeps me on my toes because I don't know what to expect. I can't get involved with her because she's leaving back to France in a few months. Kristi is fun and I can relate to her as a parent.... and god she's just gorgeous. I lay in my bed with her and I honestly feel like I should congratulate myself. But she's going through a lot in her life right now and the last thing she needs is a boyfriend, although she and her ex broke up a good 6 months ago he's still causing problems so relationships are not first in her mind. Right now, more than anything I fear losing my balance and falling one way or the other. More likely I'll fall to Kristi because she's around me more often, we relate to one another better, and the physical chemistry is quite simply breathtaking. But there's something haunting about Marion that I just won't let myself let go of just yet. Not until I explore the mysteries she offers.

She's gone. It was really, truly hard to watch her drive away. Once more, the woman who I love, the woman who holds a part of me within her and probably will for a very long time if not forever, stepped behind the curtain. It was so much harder than I thought it would be. But it was good. All I could hear was the back cover of this storybook finally closing onto 3 years worth of pages, wrought with romance and grief. I got the ending I wanted, I got my victory. In the time that she was here, I learned how she truly feels about me. She is genuinely sorry for everything that happened, she values me and my friendship more than almost anyone else in her life. I am the person she has faith in when things go to hell. Although we've barely spent any time around one another since the breakup, I have been there for her every time that she's called me and needed somebody to talk to. All the time her and I were together, I was the one who kept her strong. And even now that we're apart, as friends, I am the voice in the back of her head keeping her chin up when everything is falling to shit. I can't express how flattered I am at knowing this. Something in me can't help but imagine a future where her and I end up together again. I know it is a ridiculously far-fetched thought to hold, and I do not even remotely take it seriously. But somewhere in my heart, I hope for a chance to reconcile with her for longer than simply a few weeks. I will not pursue this future, for I know it to be unlikely to the point of silliness. I need to instead remember that this story is over, that I got my ending and I got my victory. However, if I ever get the chance to be with her, I will take it without second thought and without a moment's hesitation. School starts again tomorrow morning. A new year. So much has happened in the past one. I can only imagine where I will stand a year from now, if the one to come is as eventful and meaningful as the one that has come to a close. Thistle, I sincerely hope that you have some sort of victory and achieve the level of closure that I have. I doubt it will be in the same fashion as I have, because honestly what has happened to me is a one-in-a-million event. But I hope that somehow you end up at peace with everything to the same level as I have. I sincerely hope you the best, my mysterious friend.

Whoa. Life has a way of changing rapidly. The largest events come on the fastest, the game-changing events like car accidents and natural disasters, can be just around the corner and you don't even know they're there until they hit you like a train. Sometimes its good. Sometimes its bad. Shortly after we returned from Sham, probably only a day or two after I posted my last entry, I got a text from Kat saying that she was moving to Nelson early. A whole month early. Something had happened at her parent's house, some big falling out between her and her mother and she just needed out. So we wouldn't be able to have that dinner I asked for while we were at Sham, the event I had planned to be my goodbye to her and hopefully get some closure (although I was never sure how I was supposed to go about that). I was so amazed by how that text tore through me. After a year and a half, after all this growth and strengthening myself... even the tiniest rejection on her part tore into me like a burst of bullets from a rifle. So I called her, to say goodbye. It probably wasn't a good idea. When she didn't answer, I didn't even leave a message. What was I going to say? That I still love her with all my heart and that I don't want her to go? What was even going through my mind that wouldn't sound completely pathetic if I opened my mouth to her? I gave up, and tried to accept that I probably wouldn't hear from her again. I mean she rarely uses the computer, hasn't been a big part of my social life for the past year and she's moving 5 hours away to the next valley over. Sounds like a recipe for separation if you ask me. Vince encouraged me to still seek that final conversation, his logic being a matra I've taken up in the past few years; "Better to regret the things you've done than the things you haven't" but I wasn't ever really convinced that such a conversation would be very productive. I think I secretly ended up kinda glad that she didn't answer that call I made. But then she called me back. And it all came out. All the pathetic bullshit, all the embarassing thoughts that I really should have just kept in. How much I care about her, how it hurt that I wouldn't be able to say goodbye to her in person. That if she ever came back to visit family or something of the sort, call me, because I would do anything to see her again. I actually said that last line, word for word. I know, it sounds completely pathetic; I'm completely embarassed that I fell apart at the seams like that. Voice full of tears, I opened my heart in the most ridiculous way to the woman who had destroyed it so long ago. But then it all worked out. She understood where I was coming from. She told me that she absolutely wanted to come say goodbye to me, that I am a massive part of who she is. That all the impulsive bullshit she used to pull, the attention seeking and the crazy bitch moods that she used to get into... that she'd grown up from them, and that it was because of me. That memories of me calling her out on her crap always welled up whenever she got those impulses. She used to be an unstable, crazy bitch in so many ways and she pretty much gave me all the credit for helping her grow the fuck up. She wasn't creeped out by anything I said, no matter how awkward it should have felt hearing it from an ex boyfriend from over a year ago. She said that she needed to come back to the Okanagan to finish some business with her kid's dad and her parents and that she'd come visit me then. That was about 2 weeks ago. And oh how the world changes in 2 weeks. When she arrived, I knew that this would be my chance to end things on my terms. I told myself that if I could cuddle with her and watch a movie, just spend a fraction of time in a position which showed I was still desirable to her, that it would help heal me. It would prove that I was good enough. But when she arrived, she was so physically detached from herself due to all the stress that I honestly didn't even know if something as simple as cuddles and a movie would be possible. But the chemistry between her and I loosened her up pretty quick. We ended up going out for dinner, and then returning to my place to cuddle and watch a movie a few days later. My victory had been achieved. She got her life problems sorted out, and decided to spend her last weekend in town at her parent's place. At my request (which I made for dramatic effect, a good final scene for the final chapter in the story of her and I) I even got a goodbye kiss on her way out the door. And then something unexpected happened. I spent the weekend getting "I miss being in Kelowna with you" texts. So what would any man in my position do? I invited her back. She returned about a week ago, and she's leaving again (for real this time) come monday. But in the meantime things have moved faster than I could have even imagined. First I was just a supportive friend, an ex still in love with her but not letting that get in the way of their friendship. Then, shortly after she returned, we slept together. It was a purely physical, primal event that was caused by both of us being entirely too pent up due to neither of us getting any action in a long time. But then it happened a second time. And even then, I wouldn't have thought much of the second time were it not for the obvious intimacy she'd been drawing the two of us into. A few nights ago she commented that it was weird how of all people I had ended up being her summer fling. Apparently I was a fling now; and that implies emotions. She's leaving on monday and I will be sad to see her go. The 2 weeks I've spent with her have reminded me why I love her so much, and seeing how much she's grown and matured past the impulsive and reckless woman who destroyed me has made me very happy. But on the other side, I'll be happy. This is a nice, proper ending for our story. A happy ending. An ending on my terms. This will not be a goodbye where one of us is rejected by the other; this is a farewell, an accepting of the divergence of our paths (which could arguably have been said to have diverged a long time ago). I'm sure I sound like a fool writing this. I know of one beautiful woman with wacky colored hair who will read this and probably call me to berate me for how stupid of an idea this is. And although I will swear that I know what I'm doing, she'll swear to me that I'm going to end up with my heart broken again. But I feel healed. I am in control of this situation... things are ending on a happy note. Which is all I ever wanted. After so long of writing and pulling on my bonds, of clawing for freedom and getting almost nowhere.... its as if the ropes have all been cut at once. I am free. And I am enjoying it. And its nice to dominate (if only for a few sweaty minutes at a time) the person who bound me.

Ive been out of touch with life for a while.... Jackie, once more, delayed paying the internet bill until it was cut off. And she had no money to pay it off and get our internet back; its been out for more than a month and a half now, and its still gone now. I haven't had the cash to get it back, I'm busy paying my own bills and getting my own finances sorted out. But without that connection to the outside world, without this journal, life has truly been hard. Surviving has been easy, I suppose. I mean I've always had enough cash to survive and make it to tomorrow... but mentally, its been hard. I've been working a sales job for the summer, doing extremely well there.... in the weeks before Shambhala I was reliably the either the first or second place producer every day, so the money was fine. But the hours were long; I left the house at 11am and wouldn't get back until 9pm at the earliest.... so all the time I had for myself and Demitri was the morning. Weekends were mostly taken up with Demi because Jackie would be working. I feel disconnected from my life... like I'm just drifting and dying day to day. I've got nobody I can truly confide in, I feel. I know that there are people who care for me, who are more than willing to listen.... but it feels weak. I don't want to let myself go, I don't want to show the weakness that is all I feel these days. I am someone that people look to for inspiration, for strength, and I don't want to show them the side of myself that is weak. Vince is here for me, I suppose. But although I have more faith and trust in him than anyone else, I also look up to him. More than anyone else, I want him to see me as strong. I know he wouldn't judge me, he might actually respect me more for the show of humanity, but I can barely bare the idea of showing that side of myself to him. I might have to though, lest it eat me from the inside out. Shambhala was amazing but also wholly unsatisfying at once. It was just as magical as I remember, comepletely welcoming and friendly.... a small city of people all working together to make sure that everyone is enjoying themselves. But I still felt alone there, somehow. Distanced. Which is probably my own doing.... I'm scared of being rejected, so I reject myself. Even surrounded by thousands of beautiful women at Sham, I couldn't bring myself to flirt with any relaxation.... the few attempts I made were awkward and felt almost forced. It was embarssing. I still miss Kat so much and I hate myself for it. I hate the world for it. I hate her for it. Because even the best moments with Amanda couldn't compare to how I have felt about Kat for years. Thats a big part of why I gave up on Amanda I think.... I just didn't feel that connection. Maybe I was wrong for giving up on her. Right now I feel so down that I would give anything even just to lay with Amanda and see her smile. Just to feel that I could make somebody happy. Kat destroyed me, so completely that every time I feel like I'm finally doing OK things fall apart in my head again just to show that my repairs were merely superficial. Or maybe I don't miss her... maybe I just miss what she represented to me; somebody I could trust, somebody I could confide in, somebody who loved me. A deep, true love that kept us happy in the darkest of days. I don't have that. She was someone I could show my weakness to. Someone who would hold me. Someone who, even when I was feeling everything rot in my life, would tell me that they knew I'd find a way to get through it. That sort of love and understanding inspired me all the time her and i were together, and she had such a direct line to my heart and soul that they both were shattered quite completely when she left the way she did. She harmed something so deeply tied to who I am; my willingless to connect with others. I'm so terrified of rejection these days. I have been since I moved here. I have moments of bravery with people, but honestly most of those are me overstretching myself and expecting to fail. This is useless. I'm not getting anywhere with this. I'm just rambling, on and on, about how damaged I am. About how hard things are. I feel like an angsty teenager whining about pointless crap that isn't actually so bad. After all this time I felt like sitting down with this journal and getting things off my chest would make me feel better. But it hasn't. The only thing that can make me feel decent again is love. But with all this anger, and nervousness, and fear, I doubt anybody is going to fall in love with me for some time. I suppose there are things to look forward to though. I'm just nervous about them. A few weeks ago I met a girl, Vicki, on the bus. She caught my eye and I flirted her up, we exchanged phone numbers before we went our seperate ways. We flirted a bunch via text message, and before I went to Shambhala we hung out and had a movie night at her place. This is where things get confusing though... she's playing the field at the moment, and she's seeing another guy too. She made it pretty clear that her and I are not 'dating' at the moment, but she also made it pretty clear that she's not 'dating' him either... and that movie night hangout was definitely not a romantic one. It felt sort of like she was testing me out, seeing how comfortable she was around me. We've continuyed to text a whole bunch, and she's off at her friend's wedding at the moment with plans for another dinner/movie deal when she gets back. I'm so confused as to where I stand with her, whether or not I'm actually in the running at the moment... but I don't want to outright ask, that seems rather boorish. I'll see how that upcomming dinner/movie night goes. She makes me nervous though, which is good. When I tease her, she teases back... and thats not something that I'm really used to. Its really sexy to have a girl really push back... and she's cornered me a few times in our back-and-forths, which I'm really not used to. A girl who can corner me in a conversation is sexy indeed. If things go anywhere between her and I, I definitely see serious potential for success. It just depends if anything goes anywhere. Which brings me back to the point; this girl makes me nervous. I'm so bipolar with stuff right now. One half of me is still torn over Kat and everything that happened, and the other half just desperately wants to move the hell on and get on with life. But the fear of rejection is weighing me down. Once internet returns, I'll have a new post and you'll see how things have gone.

Life doesn't work on literary devices. There is no foreshadowing in our lives, no irony or deliberately placed foil characters. There is no overarching plot, no main character, and no moral of any story. And there's no 'the end' other than death. As much as I see these forces at play within my life on a constant basis, I know that I'm fooling myself and that I'm simply putting the details of my life together in the same way I've been taught to put together the peices of a story. That doesn't stop me from seeing them, and marvelling at them. This journal has in a strange, strange way actually given me far more of it than I could have expected. The night before Kat and Dave broke up, I ranted here about my desires for an apology; and I got them, almost word for word the very next day. Again its happened. A year ago I nailed my own coffin shut as far as Kat went. Torn apart by jealousy, bitterness, anger, and vengeance I made a drunken fool of myself in front of many people. I'm honestly surprised that I didn't outright punch Dave; in some ways I wish I had, because it wouldn't have hurt my position any and it would given me so much satisfaction. As I said in my last entry, I love Kat, and I miss everything that we had, back when it was good. But thats all over, right? The author of my life seemed to believe otherwise. Kat and I spoke today.... she confided in me that I was one of the few left who she could truly trust, and who wouldn't judge her regadless of what she said. Apparently her social circle in Penticton is falling apart due to rampant coke usage, and she had enough of that devil while she stuck it out with Dave... she doesn't want to be around any of them, they're not listening to her and they're not slowing down. So she wants to escape, and needed somebody to talk to, somebody to socialize with. So she instantly came to me. She wants to move out, and instantly I suggested Kelowna and she jumped at the idea; a new place not so far away with new friends who don't run the risk of becoming horribly addicted to drugs. Tomorrow she's coming into town and we'll spend the day together. Maybe its just the romantic in me, but I see a possibility here. A chance to get back what I lost so long ago. She's grown so much since things ended between her and I, apologized to me for wrongs I never even accused her of. And I've done the same to her. We both learned from the ways we wronged one another throughout our relationship, and we're better people because of it. And this might be my shot to get it all back. Don't misunderstand me though. I don't want it back exactly as it was. There was so much good to it, but it was flawed and both her and I made numerous mistakes. I don't want the past back. I want her back, I want to start again, and make something that isn't so flawed. Something more solid. Maybe I'm just kidding myself. Maybe its doomed and my romantic soul is just desperately searching for something to attach itself to. But I owe it to my romantic soul to try. It may be one of the few parts of me that doesn't think in completely clinical terms.

A year has passed since I made a fool of myself at a Canada Day party, resulting in my being kicked out of Kat's and my house. The time I spent out of that house and in that of my mother's was so much easier and also so much harder. I no longer had to be faced with the reality of what was (or rather, wasn't) left of her and I; yet I then had to face a different reality. I had to face the fact that there was no turning back, there would be no last-minute comeback for me. It was over, forever broken and all the force of will that I could muster would be as useless as a prayer. A year later, and I'm still in love with her. As always, I know that this will fade and one day I'll be OK. But at this point I'm starting to wonder really how long this will last. Its the little things that have been haunting me lately. All of the things that I used to remember about her that stood out as beacons of why I love her seem to be pointless now; those same events could have happened with anybody. Events like the car crash brought us together; but they would have brought anybody together. What has stood the test of time in my mind has been the strangest things.... the things that I rarely thought about, and even now I remember more of how she made me feel and less of what we did.... the things I do remember are the little things that fed the feelings and made our romance so storybook (for the time that it was good, at least). The sundays we used to spend together in the spring, thats the sort of thing that has stuck with me. I don't remember almost any of those days. But I remember that, like clockwork, our weekend would start with me working at the club friday and saturday. Friday she'd finish up her week's homework, and Saturday she'd come party at the club (where we were once co-workers, which is how we met). Sunday morning she'd be hungover as hell, and I'd toss her into the shower and drag her down to the bus depot for the best hangover cure breakfast that Penticton had to offer. After that she'd feel much better, and we'd wander and talk and generally spend the day occupying ourselves with just being together. Neither of us had our kids for the weekends, and come sunday all of our responsabilities had been taken care of.... all we had left to do was spend time with one another. And all this was before her and I even started seriously dating. One of the few events that stands out in my mind without it being a massive unforgettable event (like the car accident) is another one from the time when we were just falling in love. I had just moved into the house... maybe I'd lived there a few weeks tops. She was planning to spend the whole weekend in Summerland with her parents, so I was going to have the house to myself. I came home after my shift at the club, exhausted and ready for sleep, to find her car in the driveway. I noted it curiously, but thought nothing of it. Once I got inside I found my bedroom light on, which I also found curious.... and then I saw that there was a note on my pillow. I can almost remember the words perfectly... it read something like "Came home after all, I've got no kid for the weekend and I wouldn't mind company, just come on upstairs". That was one of the first nights I spent next to hers, never stopping to think that in a matter of a few months that would cease to be her bedroom and start being ours. I think that what set Kat appart from all the women before her, and what continues to set her apart from all the women I've romanced since her, is the way she loved. For the time I had her, she gave herself 100% to me and I returned it. It was unfiltered, it was uncensored and completely trusting. We loved eachother so much, simply because the other loved us the way they did. As people get older and mode jaded, that sort of unreserved love will become harder and harder to find. I wonder if I'm even capable of it, after how its burned me. I hope I'm capable of it again. I would do anything to feel that way again. I'd give even more if it didn't end with a knife in my back this time.

Lately I've realized two things that might seem to be completely at odds. But they're certainly not untrue, which is the strangest part. A conversation with Vincent the other night has made me question whether or not I have a dash of Antisocial personality disorder. He brings up many good points... I view almost everything, the whole world, in a very clinical way. Everything is reduced to numbers and odds, everything is simplified into "If you do A, you get B". And I use that to my advantage..... so I don't really see the issue. I've always known that I've been rather cold and calculating in most all aspects of my life (save one, we'll get to that) and I've never seen a problem with it. But after seeing me again after so many years, Vincent seems to think that I'm slipping further and further into this hyperrational train of thought that I'm losing touch with my emotions and (to put it in a hyperbolic sense) my humanity. Whats probably most worrisome is that if that does turn out to be the case I'm really not all that bothered by it... I mean emotions are more often than not a hinderance to success, right? And the other thing is that my heart has been clawing at itself.... I don't know what the hell to do with it. I am still so completely in love with Kat, but its been so long and I know that the woman I am in love with no longer exists. She's a memory. As wonderful of a woman as Kat has grown into being, she's not the Kat that I love anymore. I don't know where to go with it. For all my calculation and lack of empathy for the world at large, romance has always been at the core of who I am. And I've been without it for so long. In hindsight, Amanda was an experiment... she was so wildly different than every girl I'd ever dated. It didn't work. I need somebody exciting, somebody passionate, somebody with a devious side. I need a fiery woman. But there's none to be found. Maybe heartbreak is what's been continuing to drive me away from emotions at large. Maybe love is the only thing that can really reconnect me to the world. If only it were easy to simply find.

I know I'm young, and there's lots of time ahead of me yet to come. My life has really barely only begun, in the grand scheme of things. I've been out on my own for a measly 5 years now. But with the way my life has gone, I can't help but feel like my 'golden age' has come and gone. And who knows, maybe thats a good thing. What I would consider to be my 'golden age' was a time of carelessness, of complete reckless abandon.... drugs, parties, sex, and adrenaline. I lived my life fast and loose.... I was hopelessly in love. No matter what happened (and honestly more bad things happened than good it seems, in hindsight) it always seemed like I was having a good time. Now I'm focusing on school. Well not right now... now I'm focusing on work. But its all the same. Its a vast portion of time 5 days a week (that often bleeds into the weekend) that I really don't enjoy all that much. Its just to get ahead in life. And the weekends are largely spent with Demitri (not that I'm complaining, I love my son, its just not..... exciting) so that takes a chunk out of the fun as well. I know that I'm young. But I just don't see myself being able to have that sort of laid back lifestyle ever again. I don't see life being that easy, that comfortable... that effortlessly enjoyable. I'll finish school, get a career (hopefully one I'll enjoy) and as satisfying as that will be, I won't be able to just let loose and fucking ROCK anymore. Maybe Shambhala will be the only time per year that I get to really party. I guess I should be happy that there will always be festivals.... if not Shambhala than another. But Sham has a special place in my heart now, after how its changed me. I'm sure there's another 'Golden Age' just over the horizon. It just seems like a much more boring one.

Its friday morning, and there's almost nothing to eat. Our dishwasher is broken due to plumbing issues in the house, so all dishes have to be washed by hand. Since I leave for work in the morning and I don't get back until 9, there's not much time for me to do dishes or any other chores. Its my first tull-time workweek and this whole house has fallen into a wreck. The worst part? Jackie got paid on monday, and hasn't worked all week. She's had four days to go shopping, but hasn't. Last weekend, Vincent's girlfriend did some of our dishes.... and she's done more than Jackie has all week. It boggles my mind how lazy this woman is. I'm liking the job though... I'm good enough at it to make decent money. Most of that will be spent paying back debts and bills.... I'll probably be in the clear about late July. And then it'll be fun all around... I'll have lots of money to spare. Shambhala will be amazing, with an actual budget.... I'll be able to pick up some sweet vendor swag. But while I'm working.... ugh I'm not looking forward to the state of the household.

Am I a fool for still loving Kat? Doubtful. Thats not something under my control. Am I a fool for still wanting to be with her? What about for all the thought I've put into whether or not I still have a chance? I feel like I'm on the verge of making a pass.... maybe not now, but once I get my finances worked out and I have a car and such. I miss her. I miss her so much. Or maybe I just miss the way she was. Maybe I just miss the way her and I interacted. If thats the case, I can never get that back. Its the past and it can never be recovered. Its hard to say. And I won't know if its the past I want unless I have her again. What a let down that would be. I'm tired, I'm rambling, but these are the thoughts going through my head...... I love her, I miss her, I'd do anything to get back to that golden age that I had with her. When everything in my life was simple, and I knew what was going on, and I knew what to expect. It all went bad all so suddenly, and its been an uphill battle ever since. I Love You, Kat. Its stupid and its immature and its probably impossible; but I hope I get to hold you again. And I've accepted that for better or worse, that hope isn't going away.

Got a new job, thank god. I'm working for Telus now (a TV/Phone/Internet provider now) making 10/hr + comission.... I did the math in my head, and I'll be bringing home at least 2000 a month, probably 3000. Considering all my bills add up to like 800 tops, this is going to be a comfortable summer. God its such a relief not to have to worry about money. On another note... I'm not sure if its because of breaking up with Amanda or what, but I've been thinking about Kat a lot lately... its been more than a year now. How is it that I'm still so unbelievably hung up on the girl even now? Whats worse, she's matured and grown so much in the year since we broke up that I want her back even more... I feel like everything that caused us to fall apart has been solved in each of us, and that things could be amazing again. Or maybe not. Maybe thats just my heart talking. But it won't shut up.

Amanda and I broke up this weekend. It'd been a long time coming, as I had begun to see about the same time as I made my last post.... her and I are just too fundamentally different. She was so happy to be a spectator, to head me explain and tell stories but never wanted to be a part of those stories. She never wanted to DO, only to hear or be told. She never wanted to discover except vicariously. And that simply wouldn't keep me occupied for very long. School is out, I did well enough in my classes, and so I was thrust into the working world without much cash and expected to come up with a job. And I very nearly didn't. The world seemed to conspire against me.... The job I ended up getting was fine for a bit, and then some issues with administration prevented me and my team from working for almost 2 weeks... and now we're working minimal shifts in a different location (outside, in the heat, ugh). I've barely been able to pull together money for bills (and some bills will just have to wait). Jackie, the lucky girl that she is, got handed a $13/hr job by a friend of hers.... she does practically nothing. She's a server at a bakery, with a higher wage than I've ever gotten for anything. After me spending 8 months in college and her 8 months on welfare, you'd think that I would be the one to get the better paying job.... but I suppose that there's not a whole lot of justice so whatever. I've been relying on Jackie's financial help as far as the apartment goes, and she's not letting me forget about it.... I don't mind her tallying up how much she owes me from grocery trips, but when she even keeps track of minor things (You drank my pop and ate one of my ice cream bars, you owe me $5 more) that I get irritated. When I was doing well and she was on welfare, I never kept track of the little things. Hell, I never even kept track of the $30-$40 shopping trips I needed to make from time to time. I just assumed it was the decent thing to do... its a shame that the same isn't seen on her side. Money situations should be cleared up by the end of the month, I've got another job interview tomorrow so hopefully I'll either be working 2 part time jobs or I'll be able to quit DSF outright in favor of a full-time position. The lack of funds doesn't bother me as much as Jackie's attitude about the situation does. Probably the only good thing I can really say is that Vince has returned... an old friend of mine moved to Vancouver 6 years ago and I've rarely seen him since then... he's spent a year and a half in China, a few months in India, and in his time in Vancouver he's had a handful of really interesting jobs (like graveyard shift security guard in the psyche ward of Vancouver General Hospital). Vince was the only person in my history that I could ever really 100% trust, that I could completely speak my mind and act out what I wanted to without fear of being judged; at least he was the only person other than Kat (and we saw how that turned out). Now that he's back, I feel like I'm part of a team again. I feel like I have a buddy that I can count on, and that I can confide in. And its a big help. So here I am, with a very mixed bag. Single again, for better or for worse. With my best buddy from my past again, ready to shenaniganize. Broke as fuck now.... but that'll clear up. We'll see where I stand in a month.... come July, we'll know what this summer is going to look like.

Kat and Katie came to visit today, hang out with all their Kelowna friends.... we decided to do a big group dinner at my place. Its so weird, being around her again. Puts knots in my stomach. Whether I like it or not, I still love her, and year-old wounds are very much still causing pain. I wish that things were easy. I wish that time healed things, like the sayings say. But they haven't. Maybe I'm not ready to date after all. Maybe as great of a girl as Amanda is, I'm still just too wounded to be really in love or dedicated to anybody.

I can't remember the exact day. That time was so tumultuous for me that dates didn't matter. But I know that I broke my ankle at the end of April.... so its been a year since then. Before then, I'd never had such a life shattering event. I was used to being in control of things, and even if i wasn't in control I had at least a clear view of what direction I was going. But once I broke my ankle... everything changed. The life I thought was stable turned on its head and abandoned me, and I spent more time just trying to keep my head above the water rather then see what direction I was going. I had no idea where I was going, and no way of knowing where I'd end up once everything settled down. Now things have settled though. I've got a girlfriend, I've focused on school..... I'm looking for a job for the summer while also looking forward to going to Shambhala again. Doesn't mean its gone from me though. I'm still very much affected by everything going badly... Gosh, I felt like I had more to write when I sat down, but I guess I don't. Its just worthg sitting down and looking back though. Its been one hell of a year.

I feel confused. I'm happy with Amanda. So happy, she's an amazing girl. I've fallen for her. But lately I've been having dreams about Kat. Its so weird... they're not sex dreams. They're not even romantic dreams... well I dunno, maybe they are. Its hard to say. I have these dreams about the possibility of her and I working things out. In these dreams I never get to find out what happens though. Its a weird situation, so hard to describe. She's just been on my mind a lot lately. About how good things were when they were good. About how unrealistically good they were.... and I look back, and I realize that I'm not glorifying the past. I remember how I felt... I felt like I had purpose, I felt like we were meant for eachother. We were so unbelievably in love, and it carried over to everything we did. She was just as passionate, as wild, as deviant as I am. The sex, the walks, the dinners, the vacations, the parties.... she matched my passion and I always knew that wherever I went I had someone right beside me that knew where I was coming from. In a way I wish I could get that back. I wonder if I'll ever get that back. Amanda is amazing though, I would never complain about her. I wouldn't change her for anything. So then why am I still thinking about Kat and the past? Maybe its that self-worth thing. Maybe I just want to be good enough again. Kat was my big tremendous failure. Maybe all I want is for her to recognize me as good enough for her again. Or maybe what I'm remembering is just part of youth. Maybe I'll never have a romance like that again because I have grown up. Maybe thats not the sort of thing I can ever expect. The romance we shared seems almost like Shambhala; all the good points seem so exaggerated and unrealistic but thats actually the way they were and its hard to really believe it. We loved and fucked and partied and altogether enjoyed life in a way I had never done before and haven't done since. And I miss that. Not her (well maybe a little, to be honest), but more that feeling of romantic invulnerability; nothing could go wrong because we were in love, and whatever did go wrong could be overcome as long as we had eachother. It seems almost immature, looking back. Like a romantic version of the feeling of teenage immortality we all get. We've both grown up so much since then. Maybe its something we grow out of? Do we ever get another chance at that sort of thing, or are we just growing up and being parents and living life?

School is almost done. Classes are over, I have 2 exams remaining, and then I'm on my own for the summer. Thats pretty daunting, actually... I hope I can find a job. Other than that, not much has gone on. Everything with Amanda is going really well. I get along with her friends, she gets along with mine, and in general everything is good. Except for one thing with Jackie... I dunno what to think. Jackie just seems to hate having Amanda around. Amanda crashes for a night, and thats fine... but if it starts to look like she's going to spend another night, Jackie starts getting all passive aggressive on me by asking when Amanda is going to go home. And if she does stay more than a single night, I almost inevitably have a conversation with Jackie afterwards about how she thinks Amanda is spending too much time here. Understandably there are other circumstances that might cause Jackie to feel this way... there are times where Amanda does spend many more days here. Like when she spent 5 days in a row... while Jackie was in Vancouver partying with friends and I needed a babysitter so I could finish 2 of my term projects with my teammates. I just feel like exceptional situations like that deserve exemption. But it doesn't stop Jackie from bitching about it. We've had the conversation on almost a weekly basis.... and each time I get more and more frustrated with it, and she ends up accusing me of getting upset and being uncooperative. The summer is here.... so too draws close September, and the end of this goddamn lease.

Still I'm discovering the depth of the wounds that Kat has inflicted on me. I can't write much now, but I want to start this entry now so that I'll be compelled to finish it later. A conversation with Amanda last night has taught me just how sensitive I have been made to feelings of inadequacy. A few words, a slight suggestion of a change of style for me and my stomach knotted up. I knew that her comments weren't serious, and just an observation and the sort of honest communication that couples often share (or even that they're SUPPOSED to share) and that to a normal person it would simply be a "Sounds good, I'll try that next time" response. But to me, somewhere in me, the fear of not being good enough rose like a monster from the depths of my psyche and clawed at my gut..... reminding me that whether I'd forgotten or not, it was still there. Makes me wonder how long everything that happened with Kat is going to haunt me. A regular person probably would have been fine by now.... its just that self-worth has always been an issue for me. With my dad running off before I was born, I kinda grew up with the idea that before I was born I wasn't good enough for somebody. Mom always did the best she could to make me feel otherwise, and now that I'm an adult I understand that situations like that are more complicated than an unborn child not being good enough. But for a kid to grow up with those doubts, it leaves a mark. I think I'm more sensitive to the feeling of inadequacy than most. And on the topics of children... Jackie and Demi went to Penticton last night, and are probably staying overnight tonight as well. And its weird. I feel like I have so much time. How can people my age without children be so unproductive? I feel like the day is dragging on, I'm cleaning the house and reviewing my schoolwork and going to the gym later. I'll even have lots of time for video games later tonight, since I don't have class until tomorrow afternoon! God, being a parent has made me king of micromanagement of my life, it seems. I wish I had money to enjoy this free time.