For some reason, my internal calendar has been straight fucked these past few days. 3 days in a row now, I've constantly thought that its a day later than it actually is. Yesterday I would make plans in my mind on the assumption that it was monday, sometimes only mere minutes after I had JUST reminded myself that it was sunday. Something's going wrong in my head.

I spent a few days cleaning the house top to bottom while Kat was doing her 12 hour graveyard shifts in Oliver. I even did her the favor of cleaning her room perfectly, and doing all the laundry in the house. We folded it together last night, but that was all the work she had to do for the ENTIRE house to be pristinely clean. Its something she always complained about me with, the lack of quality in my cleaning I mean, and I hope she's starting to get a bit more faith in me. The look on her face when she came into the house to see it perfect, and the upward shift when I told her to go check out her room and she saw what I'd done... its been a long time since I heard an "Awwwww" like that. If I didn't know any better... I'd say I was on my way to winning her back. Unfortunately, it'll take more than a few hours scrubbing and cleaning for that to happen; hell, there's nothing I can do to make that happen. If its going to happen, that's going to be her deal, not mine.

I've been feeling more optimistic about things with Kat lately. My gut feeling has always told me that things were going to work out for her and I, but I always felt this anxiousness and pressure on me like a musician might get before he steps onto the stage of the biggest gig of his life so far. But that anxiousness has gone away.... it hasn't been replaced by anything positive, so I guess saying that I'm more optimistic would be a lie. But I'm feeling better. I'm still not making assumptions or having expectations; these are only gut feelings, and I can't expect them to have any credibility. In all likliness, things won't work out, and I'm slowly easing into that mindset. However.... like I've said a million times, I have hope, and I have faith. The difference between my faith and that of a zealot is that although I have faith, I act in a logical and realistic manner.... if it is to be, it will be. Which means I should take the safe route just to be sure, just in case things don't work out.

"The path of true love ne'er did run smooth" - Shakespear, A Midsummer Night's Dream

I was thinking yesterday, about the nature of romantic love today. Lets say, for argument's sake, that Kat and I do get back together. What would be a more respectable stance for me to take between now and then: to continue to have faith and trust that love will endure, or to move on and take the safe route? The standard tale of courtly romance almost insists that the better road would be the road of faith and that it would nothing short of noble to stand strong.... at the same time, it has hints of desperation. The realistic approach, moving on and growing before the reunion, would appear to be a more 'healthy' way of doing things, more confident, but it would also have undertones that would suggest that the love wasn't very important to me. I understand that this paragraph positively REEKS of wishful thinking, but I want to make clear that this is entirely hypothetical and is nothing more than my own curiousity about the views on each course of action. Its not any reflection of anything that's happening... and I understand that. There is an unfortunate line between fantasy and reality, and I know that line well.

I've been thinking of Kenzie lots too.... absence makes the heart grow fonder, they say. Such a strange feeling, being madly in love with one woman and be wildly infatuated with another. What a sorry lack of emotional control I exhibit at times like these.

I've been working out lots since the breakup, and its starting to show. I've gotten pretty decent muscle, though I'm going to work for more, but my biggest issue right now is the bit of chub that's still there on my belly.... having the most powerful abs in the world doesn't mean anything if there's a layer of fat covering up the definition. I'll be going for jogs lots in the next little while, cardio is good for burning midsection fat, and it'll help get my ankle back into good shape too. Once it gets warm enough to hit the beach... goddamn its going to be awesome. Like I told Kat last night when she commented on my body... by the time Rustic comes around, she'll be jealous of Kenzie for having laid claim to me for that night.