I'll start this post off with a response first, because it seems like it'd be easier to put it here than to either tag it onto an irrelevant post in Thistle's journal or comment on my own and hope she reads it. And the response has enough self-reflection to warrant an inclusion into a journal entry anyways.

First off, yep, I'm indeed Canadian. Because I'm not at all scared of being tracked down or stalked online, I feel pretty comfortable saying that I live in Kelowna, the 3rd largest city in British Columbia (which is directly north of Washington, for any geographically challenged readers I may have).

I'd be more willing to see the sexual shyness on her part as (sub)conscious guilt caused by this guy still latched onto her if she wan't the one who'd made advances on me. Part of my personal sexual code of ethics is that I wish to be no partner's regret, so I've learned very well how to read body language and if there's any doubt about their willingness to receive any advances then I allow them to make the first move. Not to say that I need to be taken by the hand, I'm a vicious flirt and anybody who meets me leans that within a few minutes... but there is a line in the sand, where flirtatious words become physical action, that I need to be clearly (verbally or otherwise) invited to cross. Not that it matters, but I might as well also state that another personal rule of mine is to never have any first time be a drunken time.... a kiss is one thing, but as soon as clothes (or lack thereof) get involved I want to be absolutely certain that the subject of my affection knows what they're doing. So far these rules have worked quite well for me, they've allowed me to continue being a tremendous flirt while still being seen as respectful and chivalrous.

Its also taught me that women don't like bad boys. They like confidence, and it just so happens that too many nice guys are too scared of offending anybody. I'm not an asshole, but I'm pretty fearless when it comes to my willingness to flash a wink at any pretty girl who catches my eye. Its worked out quite well for me.

And as for seeing the best in people, I'd call myself cautiously optimistic. I used to be a real manipulative prick, and when it all came crashing down around me it was the people who were willing to look past all the crap I'd done and see the good in me that helped me become the man that I am. I'm not a fool and I'll not put in more effort than I should, but I think everybody deserves a chance to redeem themselves, so long as they're actually putting effort into it. No matter how many times they've done wrong. But it goes without saying that the more they've done wrong, the more cautious I am in my dealings with them.

And now onto our current events section.

So I don't know why, and although I can't deny my extreme curiousity it doesn't much matter, but life has some back to bite Kat in the ass: Dave left her last night. Its been just over 6 months, almost to the day, since she left me for that scraggletoothed manipulative douche. They couldn't even hack it for a third of the time that her and I had been going strong. And not only has Dave up and left her, its all happening to her like it happened to me: when it rains, it pours. She's sick, and financial crunch (Doing so well without me, huh?) has forced her to move back in with her parents, and she's been scheduled to work all the holidays. Stings a bit, don't it?

I've grown so much, and become such a stronger man because of all thats happened. True to the words of Conan, that which didn't kill me has certainly made me that much stronger.... and because of that, I'm actually rather glad I went through the summer of living hell that I did. And I won't be taking her back if she makes a pass, which I doubt she will because that would be far too much of a shot to her pride. Maybe a rebound fuck for old time's sake, but at this point I can earnestly say that I have no romantic desire for her at all.

The altrustic part of me, which is a much larger part, hopes that all of her non-Dave related issues blow over quicker than mine did. She's better off without him anyways, and I hope that her luck turns around. At least part of me does.

The bitter part, which is still a much stronger part, wants her to suffer though. I do hope that it all blows over quicker than mine did, but I damn well hope it lasts for a bit. I hope that its brought her to tears, and I hope that it will bring her to tears a dozen times and more. I hope that she comes to realize, and deeply lament, the fact that she not only abandoned the first man who ever cared that deeply for her (and probably won't be matched for some time) but that she outright betrayed and crushed him. I want her to truly realize that she has been the agent of her own destruction. I want her to apologize once more for what she did to me, now knowing how it feels first hand, but also to admit that above all else.... I was right.

As a friend and as somebody who loved her, I warned her that everything with Dave was shallow and although it was new and shiny it was also cheap and superficial. All her friends stood by me and said that I was right, but she wouldn't listen to me. I want now to know that she admits it. I want to hear it from her voice, quivering with sorrow caused by the sudden realization of what she has wrought for herself and how much warning she had.

I sincerely hope that her troubles have a shorter duration, but I would be lying if I said that I also didn't hope that they were as deep if not deeper than my own.

Putting this energy out for her in this entry proves I still care, I suppose. And I'm OK with that. I loved her like I've never loved any other, and the idea that most of the relationships after her are going to be much like the ones before her (which is to say only a fraction of the depth) is a truly intimidating thought. I think I will always love Kat in some part of me.

I still love her, but these days, I love myself so much more.