Its at your lowest points that you really can take stock of yourself and your weaknesses.

I'm such a strong person to everybody around me. Kat always told me that I was the strongest person she'd ever met... that no matter how bad things got, I always inspired her to stand tall. No matter what, I didn't falter, I always held her close and assured her that everything was going to be OK. I always had a plan. Even when I didn't have a plan, I had hope. The few times that bad circumstances even chipped away at me, it really bothered Kat... she figured that if things were bad enough to get me, of all people, anxious, then they really must be bad. But even then, I always had faith... I was just a bit shaky.

These days, I don't feel that strong anymore. Life has screwed me and screwed me. Shambhala was amazing... but I almost wish it hadn't happened. It gave me hope. It made me feel like everything would be OK. And you know, everything isn't OK. Life hasn't started to go my way. My luck hasn't changed.

I'm broke, in debt up to my ears, and alone.

I think that I need somebody. I think thats where I get my strength from. I can be strong for others, but not for myself. And in keeping their spirits up, mine stay aloft as well. When I was holding Kat and telling her that everything was going to be OK..... I was telling herself just as much as I was telling her. And she believed me. So why shouldn't I believe myself? To top it off, I had her beside me... no matter how bad things got, I could always count on having her beside me at night to comfort me. If nothing else, nights would be comfortable.

But now I don't have that. When I go to bed, the only thing I share my bed with is a big stuffed tiger. Like I'm some exceptionally large baby who needs comfort in the cold, empty night. I'm a grown man, for god's sake. What I'd give for a warm body beside me... just knowing something as simple as my own ability to make somebody beside me comfortable... it'd be nice. To know that I am worth something to somebody, that would make all the difference.

I know Demitri looks up to me... but its not the same. He can't reassure me.

Even just my friends. When I can make them laugh, or give them strength, I become strong through that. And in Oliver, I don't even have that.

Being alone kills my strength, like a god with no followers.