When things continue to go wrong, even when you know that there's no way it could be causally related to you.... after a while, you start to wonder. It seems like you're the only constant, and so your mind starts to doubt your innocence in all of these problems.
Today was one of the worst days I've had since Kat left me. It was not just a day of being disappointed, it was a day of being disappointed after repeatedly having my hopes lifted up.
Jackie and my child tax credit money is supposed to be coming in soon. According to Jackie, she'd called about a week ago and they said it was in the mail. She called today to ask why it hadn't arrived, and apparently its been delayed. Jackie of course didn't even push for an answer to why. We were counting on this money. We'll survive without it.... but Demitri won't have much of a christmas this year. And we won't have much of anything for December. Everything I have on my VISA (the one I just paid off with my student loans) and all the money that Jackie is getting will just barely cover our rent, bills, and food. She's just so passive with these guys on the phone.... if I could just take it from her and have them listen to me, I swear to god I'd get results. She just sits there and takes it... no matter how many times they delay us (we've been waiting for this for more than 6 months now) she's still willing to calmly go to the back of the line. I'm so tired of it.
I was supposed to call Whitney today at 3, and I did... and no answer again. After an hour of casually trying to get in touch, I sent her a message saying essentially "Look, if you're not interested, just tell me. I'm feeling dicked around." and she got back to me saying how sorry she was. She explained some of the stuff thats happened, and they're all pretty legit things to be stressed about.... so immediately I felt pretty guilty for dumping on her about being hard to get in touch with.
She then committed to tonight, said for me to get everything ready, and that she was pretty much done getting things sorted out. She was just waiting on a phone call from her dad. The last time I heard from her was about 7, and that one phone call was all that was holding her back. I haven't heard from her since then.... no responses to texts anymore, no answering her phone. My best guess is that she fell asleep while waiting for the damn phone call, and my calling her isn't waking her up.
I've put away all the prep work that I did, it'll keep overnight. I figure that tomorrow is her last chance... she's had a hard time lately so I'll give her one more shot. Working on the idea that she didn't just ditch me tonight and that she accidentally passed out waiting for her dad's phone call that probably isn't coming tonight after all, I think I can express a bit more forgiveness. But its being pushed to its limits.
On the bright side, I cleaned the house while killing time.... and since she never came, I got pretty far. The house is pretty much spotless now, outside of Jackie's bedroom and her bathroom.
But after all this shit happening with chicks... I put effort in, and I barely get given a chance. I mean if I'd been given a chance and I blew it, I'd understand. But as things stand, I just keep getting left holding the bag. Wondering what the hell I'm doing wrong.