I hate hurting this much.

I keep thinking that I'm ok, because I have a few good days.... and then something happens, a song comes on, or I see an image, or a memory pops into my head... and then there's this aching pain in the back of my head, and my eyes water. And I can't breathe. And my hands shake. And all I can do is hold back crying my eyes out. I feel like I'm OK, then it all falls apart at the seams from the smallest thing.... this emotional cascade effect is so ridiculous.

I hate her for just tossing me aside. I gave everything I could to her, I dedicated myself to her.

I feel like a fucking junkie. The way I've acted since the breakup, the way I viewed her, the way I did things like sleep beside her and have sex with her even though I knew it was just the next 'fix'. The way I'm looking at things now.... she made me into a goddamn junkie for her.

I've never felt this sort of heartbreak before. Usually its so easy to just pick up and move to the next lover. But with Kat, I just can't. I can't stop thinking about her, about missing her, about the time we spent together. I can't stop hating. But I can't stop loving either.

I say that there's no going back. And I know that its the right thing to say, the proper course of action. But I know damn well that I would take her back in a moment if she asked. I would move back into that house at a moment's notice if she asked me to. If she wanted to pick things up and sort it all out, I would be there for her.

I would still do anything for her. And she cares nothing for me anymore.

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up a whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love. I hate love."

-Written by Neil Gaiman