Its strange for me not to be able to trust my instincts. I find myself constantly emotionally second-guessing myself and my motivations. Am I interested in other women because I'm lonely? Because I'm trying to replace Kat? Because I'm bored? Because I genuinely want a companion? When I look at a woman and contemplate flirting and such, my mind inevitably wonders what kind of partner they'd be. This is not a new trait born of some sick loneliness, its something I've always had.... curiousity has inspired many more flirtations of mine than simple attraction. But anyways, back on point. I find myself wondering if I'm interested in these specific women that I've had in my mind as possibilities that I might attempt to pursue out of genuine attraction to them, or if I'd just fall for whichever girl batted her eyelashes at me. Do I want one of these girls to become my lover, or do I just want a lover who might just happen to be one of these girls? The reason I ask is because the former is a healthy point of view I imagine, whereas the latter might be me simply being lonely and still looking for a rebound.

When do I know when I'm healthy again? When do I know that my desire to find somebody stems from genuine desire for them, and not just to fill a void left by someone else? The easy answers are "when you stop thinking about that somebody else" and "when you're OK being by yourself", right? But thats where I catch myself. I never catch myself consciously missing Kat, and rarely do I think of her anymore; but yet she showed up in my dreams last night... telling me that she was sorry and that she loved me and that she'd made a terrible mistake but that we could rebuild things. I know none of that is true though... I know that even if she did come to me with those words, it can never be rebuilt. But the very fact of the dream makes me wonder if maybe I'm not nearly as healthy as I continually think.

I'm usually a very self aware person, and thats why I get caught in this trap. I'm used to thinking about myself, and analyzing myself, and making sure I'm acting in a rational way. But at times like this when the truth is most likely outside of my reach and (like all things in love) the answer will only come when I stop looking for it. That doesn't stop me from chasing it though.

Dinner with Holly hasn't happened yet.... probably some time this next week before thanksgiving. I'm sure I'll have lots to post after that, and much more to think about.

In the meantime, I'd love to know what people think of my circumstances. I know of a few people who read this and maybe I'm being a bit narcissistic in assuming there's silent ones who don't comment, but regardless... I wonder how much clearer things might be to people whose minds don't have memories of a crazy redhead fogging up their judgement.