Still I'm discovering the depth of the wounds that Kat has inflicted on me.

I can't write much now, but I want to start this entry now so that I'll be compelled to finish it later.

A conversation with Amanda last night has taught me just how sensitive I have been made to feelings of inadequacy. A few words, a slight suggestion of a change of style for me and my stomach knotted up. I knew that her comments weren't serious, and just an observation and the sort of honest communication that couples often share (or even that they're SUPPOSED to share) and that to a normal person it would simply be a "Sounds good, I'll try that next time" response. But to me, somewhere in me, the fear of not being good enough rose like a monster from the depths of my psyche and clawed at my gut..... reminding me that whether I'd forgotten or not, it was still there. Makes me wonder how long everything that happened with Kat is going to haunt me.

A regular person probably would have been fine by now.... its just that self-worth has always been an issue for me. With my dad running off before I was born, I kinda grew up with the idea that before I was born I wasn't good enough for somebody. Mom always did the best she could to make me feel otherwise, and now that I'm an adult I understand that situations like that are more complicated than an unborn child not being good enough. But for a kid to grow up with those doubts, it leaves a mark. I think I'm more sensitive to the feeling of inadequacy than most.

And on the topics of children... Jackie and Demi went to Penticton last night, and are probably staying overnight tonight as well. And its weird. I feel like I have so much time. How can people my age without children be so unproductive? I feel like the day is dragging on, I'm cleaning the house and reviewing my schoolwork and going to the gym later. I'll even have lots of time for video games later tonight, since I don't have class until tomorrow afternoon! God, being a parent has made me king of micromanagement of my life, it seems.

I wish I had money to enjoy this free time.