Life doesn't work on literary devices. There is no foreshadowing in our lives, no irony or deliberately placed foil characters. There is no overarching plot, no main character, and no moral of any story. And there's no 'the end' other than death. As much as I see these forces at play within my life on a constant basis, I know that I'm fooling myself and that I'm simply putting the details of my life together in the same way I've been taught to put together the peices of a story.

That doesn't stop me from seeing them, and marvelling at them. This journal has in a strange, strange way actually given me far more of it than I could have expected. The night before Kat and Dave broke up, I ranted here about my desires for an apology; and I got them, almost word for word the very next day. Again its happened.

A year ago I nailed my own coffin shut as far as Kat went. Torn apart by jealousy, bitterness, anger, and vengeance I made a drunken fool of myself in front of many people. I'm honestly surprised that I didn't outright punch Dave; in some ways I wish I had, because it wouldn't have hurt my position any and it would given me so much satisfaction. As I said in my last entry, I love Kat, and I miss everything that we had, back when it was good. But thats all over, right?

The author of my life seemed to believe otherwise.

Kat and I spoke today.... she confided in me that I was one of the few left who she could truly trust, and who wouldn't judge her regadless of what she said. Apparently her social circle in Penticton is falling apart due to rampant coke usage, and she had enough of that devil while she stuck it out with Dave... she doesn't want to be around any of them, they're not listening to her and they're not slowing down. So she wants to escape, and needed somebody to talk to, somebody to socialize with. So she instantly came to me. She wants to move out, and instantly I suggested Kelowna and she jumped at the idea; a new place not so far away with new friends who don't run the risk of becoming horribly addicted to drugs.

Tomorrow she's coming into town and we'll spend the day together. Maybe its just the romantic in me, but I see a possibility here. A chance to get back what I lost so long ago.

She's grown so much since things ended between her and I, apologized to me for wrongs I never even accused her of. And I've done the same to her. We both learned from the ways we wronged one another throughout our relationship, and we're better people because of it. And this might be my shot to get it all back.

Don't misunderstand me though. I don't want it back exactly as it was. There was so much good to it, but it was flawed and both her and I made numerous mistakes. I don't want the past back. I want her back, I want to start again, and make something that isn't so flawed. Something more solid.

Maybe I'm just kidding myself. Maybe its doomed and my romantic soul is just desperately searching for something to attach itself to.

But I owe it to my romantic soul to try. It may be one of the few parts of me that doesn't think in completely clinical terms.