I say that I'm ready for love again. I'm ready to be worth it to somebody... I'm ready for somebody to be worth it to me. But I don't really know. I know that I miss how Kat made me feel. I miss having that sense of belonging, that sense of appreciation. That the things I was doing would put a smile on somebody's face.

But I'm scared. I want to do that again.... to get that back and enjoy times like that again. But I just don't know if I'm brave enough to do that. Part of the reason that I enjoyed my time with Kat as much as I did was because I gave myself to it completely. I let love take me wherever it wanted.... I just trusted that it would lead me where I needed to go.

I want so badly to feel like that again.

But the idea of giving up that control over my emotions is terrifying.

And why then, after all thats happened, that the one person I'd be most willing to relinquish that control to is the same person who tore my chest open in the first place?

Kat is spending next friday night at my place, after she comes into town to see Datsik with me. We'll have dinner together before the show, and probably cuddle and watch a movie. Maybe its masochistic, maybe its silly, maybe its just plain stupid.... but I'm really excited to hold her again. This isn't romantic... this is just as friends. At least officially. I don't know how she feels.... but she'll never be 'just' a friend to me.

After all thats happened, I try to comfort myself with the thoughts of "Well she appreciates me now" and phrases like that. After having been hurt by Dave the way she was, she's come to appreciate the friends who actually care about her. I suppose with me, 'care about her' is a bit of an understatement. But it doesn't make much of a difference, does it?

I'm just grasping at straws. I just want to recapture those moments again, wisps of a past where I felt whole.