I feel confused.

I'm happy with Amanda. So happy, she's an amazing girl. I've fallen for her.

But lately I've been having dreams about Kat. Its so weird... they're not sex dreams. They're not even romantic dreams... well I dunno, maybe they are. Its hard to say. I have these dreams about the possibility of her and I working things out. In these dreams I never get to find out what happens though. Its a weird situation, so hard to describe.

She's just been on my mind a lot lately. About how good things were when they were good. About how unrealistically good they were.... and I look back, and I realize that I'm not glorifying the past. I remember how I felt... I felt like I had purpose, I felt like we were meant for eachother. We were so unbelievably in love, and it carried over to everything we did. She was just as passionate, as wild, as deviant as I am. The sex, the walks, the dinners, the vacations, the parties.... she matched my passion and I always knew that wherever I went I had someone right beside me that knew where I was coming from.

In a way I wish I could get that back. I wonder if I'll ever get that back. Amanda is amazing though, I would never complain about her. I wouldn't change her for anything. So then why am I still thinking about Kat and the past?

Maybe its that self-worth thing. Maybe I just want to be good enough again. Kat was my big tremendous failure. Maybe all I want is for her to recognize me as good enough for her again.

Or maybe what I'm remembering is just part of youth. Maybe I'll never have a romance like that again because I have grown up. Maybe thats not the sort of thing I can ever expect.

The romance we shared seems almost like Shambhala; all the good points seem so exaggerated and unrealistic but thats actually the way they were and its hard to really believe it. We loved and fucked and partied and altogether enjoyed life in a way I had never done before and haven't done since. And I miss that. Not her (well maybe a little, to be honest), but more that feeling of romantic invulnerability; nothing could go wrong because we were in love, and whatever did go wrong could be overcome as long as we had eachother.

It seems almost immature, looking back. Like a romantic version of the feeling of teenage immortality we all get. We've both grown up so much since then. Maybe its something we grow out of? Do we ever get another chance at that sort of thing, or are we just growing up and being parents and living life?