So here I am, 2AM, unable to sleep. So much on my mind, and 90% of it is totally trivial crap. But I can't get it out of my head. How trivial, you might ask? Hair style trivial. I do not exaggerate, most of my mental shit is revolving around my hair at the moment.

I got my hair cut today. Not trimmed, CUT. This morning, I had hair down past my shoulders. If I tied my hair back, the ponytail was longer than most men's erect penis. And now, well my hair barely touches the back of my neck. I suppose its what a stylist would call a medium length. And this means I can't just let it hang like I've done all those years I had long hair. I need to style it. I want to look good. I'm going to pick up some hair wax ASAP and probably spend an hour or more just fooling around with it in the bathroom.

I suppose its deeper than that though, the whole hair thing. The whole looking good thing. Its got purpose behind it. I want to rub it in Kat's face. Since she left me, I've been working out lots.... just push ups and sit ups and jogging, but lots of it. And its starting to show. I've lost most of the tiny bit of a belly I had, and I've gained a nice chest and arms. I'm really proud of my body, and there's still a bit more than 2 weeks before Shambhala... I'm kinda dedicated to Kat not seeing me before we leave for Sham. I want her to be caught off guard by how good I look. I want the body, the style, the confidence... I want to see the look on her face in the moment that she, even for a second, regrets ever having left me.

I think much of these desires to rub it in her face comes from the fact that today I learned through the grapevine that apparently all things are not well with Kat and Dave.... or so it seems. Nobody seems to know anything, but everybody has the sneaking suspicion that Kat's extreme moodiness has its roots with Dave. She's been avoiding her friends, avoiding her house.... apparently just being very solemn in general and having lots of 'talks' with Dave.

I really hope things with Dave are falling apart even more by the time Shambhala happens. I don't want to use it to get back with her, not at all. Quite the oppostite. I want to give her a pit in the bottom of her stomach when she sees me. I want her to look at Dave, and think about who he is... who he REALLY is, if she's seen it by that point, and feel regret. I want to force her to realize that I'm simply better than he is, and that now I'm gone, because of her impulsiveness. I want her to feel distraught upon realizing that she threw away something fantastic for a douchebag like him, and that she's got nobody to blame for anything but herself and the scraggletoothed asshole that she left me for.

Why does Kat invade every thought that I have still? Why is she still such a motivation for me? I can't stop putting energy into her, whether it is trying to work things out with her (like before) or trying to make her miserable (like I am now). Every action I take, whether its a haircut or buying a car or taking my kid to the park.... she's in my head. Most of the time, its as simple as "Kat & Drayden would have a great time if they were here. I bet they don't have times like this with Dave"

You know what, I think this has less to do with Kat, and more with Dave. The more I think about it, the more I realize that this is less about anything else than wanting to be better than Dave. I guess I always think its about Kat, because I'm using her to compare him to me.... I want to be better looking than him, I want her to realize that I'm a better boyfriend, a better lay, a better person. I want her to feel like I'm better than him, I want to feel for myself that I'm better than him.

I fucking hate him. The hate I feel for Kat is only partial, and honestly its not a very deep hatred... its more bitter than anything. But Dave? Hate is all I feel for him. Deep, seething hate. Because he manipulated situations, abused my trust, disrespected me, my relationship, and my girlfriend. Her crimes were of ignorance; she simply didn't think. And as much pain as that caused, they're not even on the same level as his... because he's the one who inspired those ignorant actions. He's the one who deliberately kept blinders on her.... he guided her hand, knowing what it would reap. He used her as a tool for his own ends. Hurting me might not have been his end goal, but I was in his way, and he did whatever it took to get Kat away from me and into his arms. He's malicious, manipulative, disrespectful two-faced weasel. If he ever gives me an excuse to swing at him, I promise that he'll watch his step around me from that day onwards.

Its such a damaging thing to have the woman you love disappear when you need her most, and leave you for a guy that you never even thought could hold a candle to you. I never saw Dave as a threat... I mean for good reason though. He's not an exceptionally good looking guy. He's not very charming. All he's really got is a sense of humor, his guitar skills, and his truck. And an intelligent darkness that allows him to bend people to his will if they're not as mentally strong as he is. It was that last trait that I didn't see until it was too late.

But yeah, like I was saying. That sort of blow affects a dude. Its killed my confidence... I've gotten lots of it back thanks to McKenzie, but I'm still really lacking... I feel like the one person who really mattered to me ended up slapping me in the face and saying that I wasn't good enough. And so, now all I can think about is proving that I am. I don't even really want to be with her anymore, I just want to prove that I'm good enough. I think its entirely possible that if she were to suddenly come back to me and say that I was good enough and that she wanted me back.... I might just drop her there and finally be able to move on. I might just respond with "Thanks, but you threw me away" and leave her there with her regrets. At that point, she'd have given back everything she took from me.... I don't know if her appeal would even exist after that. Maybe this whole thing is just something similar to the forbidden fruit, I only want her on the principle that she's been denied from me. Surely that'd make more sense than me pining for the affections of a woman that I know damn well I deserve better than.

Regardless of my feelings for her or anything else, it is a simple and undeniable fact that I deserve better than a girl who would cheat on me and throw me away at such short notice, and while I'm physically and emotionally crippled by a broken ankle that was just as damaging to my body as it was my spirit and self-worth. Especially after I'd given her my all, and taken in her son as my own. Any man worth anything deserves more than that.

Sometimes I question my worth... I stumble and wonder if maybe I'm just deluding myself, and maybe she's right, maybe I'm really just that easy to discard because I'm not worth a quarter of what I think I am. But I know its not true. I know I'm better than that. I know I'm better than him.

I just wish that the one person who I want to see that, can't. Or won't. Yet.