Amanda and I have pretty much spent every moment we can justify with eachother... a few nights with her back at her place, but mostly she's been here.

We've spoken on it at length, and neither of us is interested in making it official or committed... she's dealing with her own issues at the moment and really doesn't want to feel like she has to answer to any relationship, and once more I've come to realize that I can't quite get Kat out of my head or out of my heart to the extent that I want (more on that in a bit).

So we're not a couple. We're just a guy and a girl constantly sleeping together and doing all those cuddly affectionate things; I know, its a fine line.... this very much reminds me of how Kat and I started. For months we were in an arragement similar to this, refusing to admit that we were in fact a couple. Chances are when/if Amanda and I ever *do* make it 'facebook official' that we're dating, we'll just admit that we'd been acting like we'd been dating for months. I know that many people would say "well then, why not just fucking admit that you're dating and stop fooling yourselves". To these people, I give a new paragraph.

There are some differences between what this is, and dating. We've both got more freedom, less need to answer to one another and there's no thought of the future. We're merely enjoying one another in the moment... moment after moment. While yes, whether its stated or implied, there is a level of commitment (I'm sure she'd feel rather betrayed if I suddenly told her we had to stop sleeping together because I got a girlfriend) it is rather minimal; I just came back from a weekend in Penticton and if I would have happened to hook up with somebody down there I wouldn't be in the wrong. When I make plans for the weekend, or any time for that matter, I don't have to consider how long its been since her and I hung out. I just live my life, and I don't need to take her into account unless she's the plan for my night.

That said, its also pretty clear that her and I will eventually, most likely, be dating sometime in the next little bit. I dunno when; like I said, we've both got shit we need to sort out.

But on to current events.

Jeff Piattelli has hired me to be his talent agent, book gigs for him and negotiate pay and such. I spent last weekend back in Penticton, hanging out with old friends and tossing a few of Jeff's albums to the local venues that he would fit in at.

Went out drinking with friends both nights of the weekend, and god it was weird being around Kat again. I was fine last time I saw her, but maybe thats because there wasn't a guy around. When they all showed up at Fibonnacis cafe on friday night, a dude got out of her car and instantly I judged him and got defensive. But why? He'd just gotten out of her car; I had no reason to believe that anything was happening and as soon as I got a chance to see some body language it was pretty clear that it was nothing romantic... definitely made me think. It got worse on saturday night, when she brought a guy out drinking with us that it was very obvious she's making moves on.... god I was bothered by him. I nitpicked every little flaw in my head, and by the end of the night I'd convinced myself that Kat would be completely unhappy with him and ditch him in a few weeks. About midnight I overheard Kat tell Katie (rather giddily, I might add) that she kissed him for the first time that night, and at that point the combination of my drunkenness and uncomfortability with that situation demanded that I head back to Kelsey's place where I was staying.

Wow, still attached to Kat much? Its been 9 months, and for some reason this sort of thing still bothers me. I have a gorgeous woman waiting for me back in Kelowna, texting me over the weekend telling me how she misses me, and yet I'm mentally scowling and cutting down this stranger because my ex is hitting on him.

To make it worse, I had a sex dream about Kat last night... while laying in bed next to Amanda. You'd think that one pretty lady beside me would distract me from another, but nope.

When will I be free of this? When can I actually just hang around her and not want to be with her? Hell, I don't want to be with her anymore. I don't even know what this emotion is. But it sucks.

And I want it gone.