I hate feeling alone. It scares me. It makes me wonder if I'll ever have somebody there for me again. I know its a silly fear.... but I really do hate being alone. Maybe thats why I've spent so many nights on the couch these past few weeks, as opposed to in my bed.... on the couch, there's no room for another person. I can pretend like thats the reason that there's nobody beside me. But when I'm in my bed... its like there's an empty space that should be filled with a body, but isn't. And so I have my big stuffed Tiger with me tonight... and probably most nights to come.

I want to be close to somebody so badly right now. I had a friend over tonight, Brittany, and we watched the first episode of Dexter together. I'd already seen it with Kat, but I wanted Brit to see it from the start... the pilot is a great episode. Her and I sort of cuddled... but it felt so strange to me. It didn't feel right. At this point, I suppose that no girl will feel right next to me because they're not Kat. They doesn't fit in just the right way. Too big in some ways, too small in others. Wrong scent. Wrong texture of hair. Don't get me wrong, Brit is a babe. But at this point... I feel that as much as I hate it, Kat is the only girl I want. I wish it was easy to change, but its not. I wish I could just replace my desire for Kat with desire for someone else. But I can't.

I don't want to rebound onto some other girl, and start this cycle all over again. But I don't want to be alone either. I'm so damaged right now, I don't know what to do. Not even drugs or alchohol sound appealing. I'm supposed to be going out on saturday night I guess... but I'm scared that I'm just going to be a wreck. Maybe I should just lock myself in my basement and cry for a few weeks. Not that it would do me much better. I just don't feel like there's any right course of action right now, it all just leaves me with my thoughts and wishes.

I wish I would have saved my relationship. I wish I would have told Dave to back off right from the start, as soon as it started to bother me. I wish I would have seen the distance growing between Kat and I, and done something to draw her closer. Who knows, maybe just a surprise rose here or a few more hours cleaning there would have made the difference. I'll never know now though. I'll never know what it was (if anything) that I could have done to save my relationship, and right now I feel as if I'll never forget all the beautiful and comforting things that I've lost.

Thank you to anyone who reads my journal. I don't know who you are or how many of you are out there. But knowing that there are hits on my page, that somebody is reading my posts, as angsty as they are (I'm really usually not like this), is comforting. I'm sure you'd give me a hug if you could, and I really wish you could.

I love you all for being here for me, even in such a small way as reading this.