There hasn't been an entry in a while because Jackie didn't pay the internet bill and we got cut off. In her defence, they never sent her a bill so the fact that we needed to pay at all never really got brought to our attention. I mean we knew we'd have to pay, but there was never any reminder so it was really easy for it to get pushed to the back of our mind while life occurred around us.

In the meantime, life hasn't stopped.

The new year almost started off with a disaster... my grandma's car broke down as we left to go to my sister's wedding on new years day. We're stuck in a town halfway between where we started and where we were going. In a gesture of amazing goodwill, my friend offered to come pick me, Demitri, and my grandma Alice up and bring us back to my apartment so we weren't stranded out there in the cold. Lo and behold, he shows up, and decides that he's just going to drive us to the wedding instead, rather than make me miss out on my little sister getting hitched. I couldn't believe it, considering this is a guy I've barely known for 3 months.... what an amazing guy. I'm so flattered to have the friends that I do.

The wedding was a blast too. I thought that I'd be put on the spot by her new husbands fundamentalist family, but they were actually really respectful and not pushy about faith at all. The groom's father actually invited me into a friendly debate about religion and atheism, which I gladly accepted the challenge for. I've never met somebody who was so deeply religious that was also so completely willing to have his beliefs attacked and also serve back his own rebuttals without any venom. We tossed arguments back and forth for nearly 4 hours and we both enjoyed every minute of it. He brought up many good points against evolution that I'm going to cross-check once my internet gets up, and although most of his arguments seemed to be more dancing around the truth rather than approaching it straight on he did a good job of arguing his point. I look forward to them and their son (now my brother in law) joining the family.

As for Kat.... gah, its so complicated. Last night was the first night since the breakup (minus new years eve and my sister's wedding, of course) of her and Dave that she hasn't called me to chat. At first she was calling in tears, asking to be consoled. And then it ended up just being something she was doing just to chat and hang out, catch up on life. Talk about ourselves and such.

I kept feeling like she was starting to rebound back onto me... like she knows I still care about her, so calling me and talking to me satisfied a part of her loneliness, and she'd eventually fall back into feelings for me or something. Part of me really really wanted that.. I do miss her. But I also knew that it was the worst way for things to go, so I'm glad that it didn't go that route. The last time we talked she even made it clear, telling me that she wasn't rebounding and that she didn't want to lead me on or anything.

In so many ways I miss her more now than I have in months, talking to her again has certainly pulled on my heart strings and reminded me why I loved her so much for so long. But there's also a weird feeling, like talking to her so much again has helped me get over her. Now that we're talking, she's making me feel worthwhile again... not like she's tossing out all these compliments, but just that I feel like I'm worth her time again. I feel like just saying that is almost insulting to myself, implying that I need to be worth her time just to feel whole again. But I guess I can't change reality... she does make me feel like I'm worth something, even when she's just my friend. I'm still not sure how compfortable I am with her having that sort of power over me but it really can't be helped.

I'm starting to feel lonely again.... its been almost a month since Brook moved back to her hometown. We talk a bunch, and she keeps talking about coming out to visit, but after all that I've found out everything with her ex I'm not too optimistic.

You'd think I'd get used to sleeping alone, but I really haven't. Talking to Kat so much hasn't helped.