I decided to stay home saturday night, I don't think going out would be good for me. I don't have the money to go out anyways. But god, is it painful to be here while I know she's in Oliver with Dave and is going to be starting her summer party season tonight with him. It kills me. I remember doing the exact same thing with her last year.

Everything I do reminds me of her these days. I go to the beach, and I remember how much time we spent there last summer. I stay home, and I'm surrounded by the house we've lived in together for a year and a half. Nothing can distract me, not even the pile of video games that Chris lent me.

I need company, but what I want is something nobody can give. I just want to relax and watch a movie and feel wanted. I want to feel desired. At times like these I'm forced to analyze myself, and remember how much of a lonely person I am. I really don't like myself all that much. I mean I do... but I always wonder if I'm just deluding myself. I want other people to like me. I want people to desire me. For some reason, loving myself has never quite been enough. I need others to love me, to remind me that I'm worth loving.

Everything that happened with Kat has just hurt me even more. I feel tossed aside, I feel replaced. As if I wasn't good enough. I've started working out lots, excersising, constantly doing push-ups. I even tried going for a jog today, but my ankle is still too stiff. I forced myself for a block or so, until I stopped. I feel like I want to get this body, like I want her to want me again. I want to be more desirable than Dave. The thing is, I already know that I'm better looking than him. He's a really bland guy, physically. I don't know what getting a rockin' body is going to do. I just... I can't let go for some reason, not yet.

In my heart, I still feel like Kat is going to come back. At this point though.... I'm starting to get to where if she did, I wouldn't take her back. I'd remind her how much she hurt me, and turn and leave. But would I, really? Am I truly that strong? I doubt it.