Am I too nice? Am I too reliable? Is that the issue at hand here?

I look back at my romantic history and the girls who were truly important to me, which pretty much comes down to Ash and Kat. Jackie was a bit part of my life... but most of my time with her was more focused on getting free of her than actually enjoying my time. But when I look back at Ashley, and the events that have happened with Kat recently... I wonder if maybe the fact that they knew of the depths of my dedication to them might have been a flaw to it all.

Ashley knew that I loved her, and still knows it. That regardless of what happens, I care for her, and if we ever get the chance, I'd like to be with her. That desire for a relationship has waned over the years, but its come and gone numerous times. The point is, that if she was ever living within relative proximity to me and I was single... she could have me at a moment's notice. She knows that, and I know that. And maybe that's what kept away a relationship between her and I. I'm reliable, whereas other guys in her life might not be so much.... when things came to a head between Garry and I, she chose Garry. I know that part of that was her own concerns about my emotional state because I'd *just* left Jackie, but I can't help but wonder if part of it was also that she knew I would be there if Garry failed but Garry might not be there if I failed. I might have been, essentially, the eternal backup plan.

Maybe Kat is doing the same thing here. I understand she needs her time to herself to sort out her emotional issues... after dedicating herself body and soul to school for a year, she's lost a sense of who Kathryn is. I saw it, and I was concerned, but only recently has she really realized that she's got no sense of self anymore. As well, she's admitted to still healing from her relationship with Darcy... he was abusive, and controlling to the point where she wasn't allowed to have any friends; once she left him, she overcompensated with her own freedom... which is what caused the open relationship between her and I, and caused so many fights. She can't stand to have any man have any form of control over her anymore, it scares her to death. In a way, it may have been partially to blame for everything that happened with Dave.... one of the few rules of our relationship was that no fuck buddies were to become anything more. But in that rule, she answered to me.... and she wanted to break it just to show that she could. I'm not excusing her actions, she was completely wrong and I have not forgiven her for it, nor will I for a long time. I'm still bitter and angry over it, and I still know that I will take a very malicious satisfaction if her and Dave end up dating... because I know it will fail. And when it does, I will be sure to stand there, and see the pain they go through. I will stand and watch, and remind them of what they did to me.

But I need to get back on point.

Kat feels like she can come back to me any time... which is almost true. She needs her time to get things sorted out, and honestly, she cannot be with me for a good while. As I said I have not forgiven her yet, and until I do, any relationship her and I have will only foster bitter feelings which will erode everything before too long. But once that healing is done... I wonder how much of a rush she'll be in to work things out with me. Or if, maybe, some talented drummer will happen by and she'll think "Well, Nick'll still be there when I'm done with Damien" (just throwing out a random name there). She's said to me that she feels that even if we do get back together, it'll be after we both date other people.... and honestly, I can't help but take that with a grain of salt because of the mentality that we both have to force ourselves into, that "We're not focusing on getting back together" state of mind that is completely required for either of us to heal. I don't really buy that from her, to be honest.

My prediction is that if we get back together, it will be near the end of summer. If this breakup lasts longer than that, I think its going to be a rather indefinite one. I'm not saying this to her because I don't want any pressure on her side clouding her judgement, and I'm not saying it to myself out of some rushed hope of reuinion. I'm saying it out of realistic situations; I'll be going to college in the fall, and come December our lease is up and we'll probably be moving into seperate places. If I'm in school and we're living in different places, we'd hardly see eachother. She doesn't really party anymore, so its not like we'd bump into one another somewhere and suddeny reunite. And besides... she's a gorgeous woman, attractive to the point of entrapment. There'll be more than enough guys swamping her for me not to really stand a chance in the long haul... I simply won't have the resources or time (I suppose time is a resource, but it bears saying twice) to pursue her.

Do I need to add more..... urgency to my life? Am I too patient, to trusting in the nature of love? Its strange, considering how realistic I am about all other things... God seems humorous to me, the afterlife something so unreachable that it doesn't even bear consideration about its existence (we'll find out when/if we get there, and not before).

But something about Love gives me faith, it is in me a religion unto itself. I simply have this almost cinematic ability to simply expect things to work out. And for the most part they do, albeit in not usually the ways I intend or expect. But yet I continue to hope, and to trust. Dishonesty, Disloyalty, downright Betrayal.... none of these thigns faze me; true, they vex me for the moment and I may be prone to outbursts (sometimes even violent ones), but I bounce back rather quickly and resolve myself that "things will work out". I mean look at me now; after more than a year of this relationship, the only woman whom I've ever even been willing to discuss the idea of 'forever' with has betrayed me, borderlining an affair with a man while I'm injured and immobile at home (not to mention I take care of her child while she's out enjoying the pleasures of his flesh). This all came to a head less than 2 weeks ago, and in that time I've passed through anger and into the state I previously mentioned: I simply have faith that things will work out for her and I.

I Love her more than I've loved any woman, and I see that she is genuinely sorry for the mistakes and oversights she made. I respect her for being able to do the right thing as soon as she realized what was happening. I respect her for analyzing herself and taking this time away from me in order to sort herself out. I cannot forgive her yet, but I know that in time I will, because of the above mentioned respect and genuine remorse she shows. Sleeping alone on the couch is almost physically painful (and not because of my ankle) because all I can think of is the fact that she's not 20 feet above me, alone, most likely in a position where I'd fit very snugly and comfortably beside her. When she scores a goal at soccer, when she comes home from work in a fantastic mood, I can't help but feel the need to kiss her in celebration... but I hold back, because right now it is my duty to her and to myself.

Once more I say that I am not focusing on getting back together with her... it is a goal, something to keep in mind when it comes to the actions that I take, however its not something I'm actively working towards. Right now, I'm focusing on my own happiness, my own emotional stability. I want to get out, have a summer fling, remind myself that I am desirable and attractive. But those efforts also belie a common end; a reunion between her and I. I cannot help that I have this unshakable faith that once we get the appropriate time apart from one another and we sort ourselves out, we'll come together.

Luckily for me, if such is not the case, it will become rather clear by the end of the summer... and the distance I've fostered will make it much easier (probably bordering on automatic) to flip the switch and 'get over' her with relative speed. In this, I see a pretty win/win situation... on one side it seems like I'm romantically hedging my bets, but its not deliberate, its simply the way things have fallen. And I always play things in the most effective and efficient manner that I can....

This has gone on quite long enough I suppose, I have to finish the chores I've started. Some will be finished within the hour... but others won't be until the leaves turn from green, it seems.

~Nick