So much has happened to me, and I can never help wondering what I could have done better. If I would have known what I know now, could I have made a difference? Would Kat and I be together still? Would that relationship even be worth continuing? I'm not sure. I caught myself thinking today that I never expected myself to be here. For the first time ever in any of my relationships, I had genuinely settled into a routine and I had gotten used to the idea of forever. Sure, I'd said forever to many other girls... thats how love is. But when you're saying it, and when they're hearing it, you both know that its just forever in the moment.. and that chances are its not going to be forever. There had been girls who I saw potential with... the idea of "maybe this could one day be the girl". But with Kat... it felt like she was the girl. I was blindsided by it all. The idea of me moving to Kelowna without Kat, living this present without her at my side.... it never even occurred to me in the months before it all went to hell.

Maybe that's why even now, even when I'm over her and happy in life, I still feel out of place. I still feel in so many ways like I'm not actually living my life... I feel like this is some weird alternate reality. This just isn't what I ever thought I would be.

I feel like I'm not even the same man anymore, to be honest. And in many ways its a good thing. I've become inspired to do better in school, to mend many of my flaws. But I don't recognize myself because of that. Studying? Putting forth this much effort towards school? Hell, I even cut my hair. This is the longest I've been single since I was 14 years old. Well maybe not the longest I've been single, but certainly the longest I've gone without some sort of companion. I feel like a strange reflection of the man I was so many months ago. This man is better, as far as the stats go. But somehow I still kinda miss the old me. Even my taste in women has changed.

Bianca is a girl in my Human Resources class, who caught my eye on the first day. I got to know her a bit, and she had all the traits that usually I'd go for; she's passionate, fiery, intelligent. She's got this intensity to her. But it scared me off almost immediately. She just reminded me so much of Kat that I couldn't even see past it. I'm finding myself attracted to quieter girls, more centered, more calm. I'm more attracted to cute these days than hot, it seems. Cute was never my style before.

Carl Jung, my favorite pioneer of the artistic science of psychology said "The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction- both are transformed." and such a line is so true of Kathryn and I... I wonder what marks I have left on her. How has she been irrevocably changed? I want to know, but at the same time I know it doesn't matter.

It is unhealthy for me to still be thinking this much about her so long after it all? Should I just move on? Jackie would think so, I'm sure. I just don't know whats normal. I've never been hurt like this before, never had the rug pulled out from underneath me like this. You hear stories of old, where men would go years healing from romantic wounds... were those stories exaggerated? Or have we just become numbed these days? I guess no matter the answer, I'll heal when I heal.

I feel like being alone is making it hold on that much longer. I miss having company. Not the sex, I can go without sex. But having somebody to hold at night. I still to this night miss Kat when I go to bed. The warmth of a loving body beside me... its irreplacable. And no matter how things go with Holly or any other girl I might get close to, I won't be getting that any time soon. If I get the night next to anybody in the near future, it will be a rare treat... not something I could look forward to often enough as I did before. I looked forward to crawling into bed with Kat each and every night. If I get into a relationship or something similar here... I could expect maybe once a week to spend the night pressed up against them. Which would be amazing... but still lonely for the other 6.

This might be for the best though... being alone. When you're alone, you get to know yourself.

Maybe I don't know myself as well as I thought I did... and especially now, when I'm looking at the mirror and feeling as if I'm seeing some altered shade of myself. Maybe its time to get to know this new Nick. See where he might go, who he might spend his nights with.

One thing is certain though; no more forevers.