I feel like with Jackie, its never good enough for me. I feel bad for that. But when I look at things objectively, I wonder if its less that nothing is good enough for me or if its really that its truly just not good enough. I've been fighting with her and pushing her for so long that I've started doubting my justification for being so adamant about her involvement as a parent and as a roommate.

She's gotten better with chores. She's still not good, but she's better. Yesterday we cleaned the apartment.... I took the living room and she took the kitchen. This morning while she was asleep (until 10:30am, she locked her bedroom door and refused to let Demitri in. Its 11:30 and she's still laying there) I had to finish the kitchen... she got one load of dishes done and got all the garbage off of the counter which I then had to take out, because taking out the garbage is gross and she just won't do it. So we're not roughly operating on a 3:1 ratio of chores rather than the previous ratio which I would have called closer to 1:0. Not good enough for me, but better than a few months before. Much better.

Yet somehow I'm not overcome with gratitude.

Chores is where it ends though. Its driving me nuts how much time Demitri spends watching movies inside... I take him out at when I can, which usually ends up being once a month. Being in school means that all of my spare time is in the evenings, which is too late to take him out when his bedtime is 8 and we have to walk to and from the park. I've been nagging at Jackie to take him out more often, but it hasn't made any effect.... she keeps saying that she will, but I get no action from her words.

I'm sure I could make time to take him out. Thats why I feel guilty in this whole situation. I could be doing better, I could be working my schedule and taking him to the park once a week instead of once a month. He's a 2 year old little guy who needs to get out and be active, and I'm starting to feel like its my fault that he's not getting out. Its eating at me and making me feel terrible.

But when I think about it, I get angry. Because she should be helping me here. I've got roughly double the courseload she has, as well as SIFE, and one of the classes I am in requires me to do lots of out-of-class work with my team for my Advertising project. She's taking a course or two via distance education; she doesn't even leave the house to go to class. She just does her homework online (if she even does it, because honestly I see no textbooks of hers anywhere. I'm wondering if she's just lying to me about even taking any classes).

And its that bitterness towards her that keeps me from making those changes in my schedule. I still feel guilty though. I just don't know how to deal with it. I shouldn't have to take on all the burden of parenthood, I shouldn't be the one with a busy school schedule and a student organization on the go who has to play tetris with my schedule just to keep my son active and breathing fresh air while his mother lays at home sleeping until noon and (possibly pretending to) do a pittance of schoolwork at her own leisure.