I wish I wasn't as smart as I am. It reveals things to me that are better left unknown, and makes my life difficult in ways that a stupid person wouldn't understand.

The smoke has started to clear from all this, and things are starting to get clearer.... but thats a bad thing for me. Because I'm seeing the chance for a future, I'm seeing courses of action I could take to get her back. I'm seeing that I was right, a few weeks is far too short of a time for her love to simply up and disappear. I can see it in her eyes, the realization over the last week that she does indeed still love me. I've also seen her realize that Dave never was and never could be any more than a fling to her... her feelings for him have already begun to fade. She's still really wanting to explore that a bit more, I can tell, but its in a way that she sorta already knows what she's going to find... and is just curious to make sure.

But I can't be with her right now. Its so hard to resist the temptation to just try to be with her right now, or hold off and wait for her to get things sorted out with herself. It would be much easier for me to put up a "I've gotten over you" front for 2 months and have her come back to me rather than to actually put myself out there, and truly be single. So much easier, but so much less healthy. If Kat and I are going to work out, we both need to get space from everything and sort things out.

When and if Kat and I kickstart things again, its going to need to be a fresh start. If I don't let her go and grow from this experience, then I'm going to make the same mistakes with her or another girlfriend in the future. If I don't get my time away, I don't think I'll ever really be able to forgive her, and any relationship I have with her will be tainted by the bitter taste of the past month. She needs to spend her time alone, soul-searching, stewing in the guilt of what she's done and growing as a person Both her and I desperately need to do this, for our own sanity as well as eachother's. And she might not come back. Right now, I look at the state of events and it seems pretty clear that she will. But that could very well change. Which is another reason why I really need to just pick myself up. But its so hard when I see these subtle changes in her. I'm such an optimistic person that it just seems the natural way to do things... to maintain the hope that things will be solid. But I can't let myself fall into that, because its absolutely the worst thing I can do.

Every day I see her heart taking one step back towards me, as the smoke clears in her head and she starts to truly realize the mistakes she's made. At this point, I know a tremendous part of this is guilt on her part. She's being faced with the fact that her boyfriend, who loved her more than love itself, was left at home to fend for himself with a broken ankle for an entire month while she went out and replaced him. Not to mention that, he also cleaned the house and babysat not only his son but hers as well, while she was out thinking of nobody but herself. Kat is feeling heavy remorse for it all, I can tell... I think that this'll teach her not to be so impulsive. For so long, she's simply done what she wanted, usually whatever came to mind first... the more fun it was, the more willing she would be to overlook the consequences entirely... thats what happened here. For a month she thought only of herself, because nobody even remotely tried to get her to do otherwise, and never once thought of the consequences of her actions. And she feels TERRIBLE for that, now that she can look back and see what she's done. She feels like she doesn't deserve anybody's love (and honestly, she doesn't), much less mine. If she didn't have this guilt, she'd probably be back in my arms by the end of this week... but it would also make her a soulless bitch that I wouldn't ever want to go near. The fact that she's feeling this guilt as much as she is actually a key point, I suppose.... it may be really stunting things for our reuinion, but its also making sure that any reuinion will be happy.

If it happens.

And I must not kid myself either, I might not be able to forgive her. I am a fantastically forgiving person, but at the same time... this is a rather extreme situation. She might well have pushed me to my limits. I might not be able to forgive her for this betrayal, no matter how bad she feels or how much she's learned. I suppose its inevitable that I do forgive her, but timeframe is the key in this event... if it takes me a year to forgive her to the point where I can date her, who knows if things will still even be possible then?

For anything to be fixed, her and I both need to learn from all this, and forgive eachother and ourselves. The question is, are we going to be able to do this in a timeframe that allows us to be together?