Friday night went amazingly well. But not in the expected way.... it was a very freeing night, in the strangest way.

First of all, in addition to seeing Kat, I got to party with my sister's new husband. Hayven is a guy I knew I got along with, I'm was really impressed from the start. But man, partying with him brought us together like I didn't know was possible. He's fucking amazing, and we get along so famously that people at the club who we didn't know actually assumed he and I were brothers by blood; it wasn't until he mentioned that he's married to my sister that people even realized that it wasn't the case. Now that he's a married man he's trying to avoid the parties, but I think that the show satisfied him enough for a long time.... I pulled some strings with industry connections and we spend the whole night in the VIP lounge, overlooking the stage and dance area. There really wasn't a better seat in the whole club. Being a part of the music/club industry has really nice perks.

But as for Kat..... god, it was so strange. She was there, in the back of my mind, all night. I spent most of my time with Hayven, because he's family and it was his sort-of bachelor party (even though he's been married for more than 3 weeks) and I also didn't want to be that ex who crowds the lady.

Once the show was over, Kat and I and her 2 friends (who turned out to be amazing and also in the industry in Vancouver, so awesome networking there) ended up back at my place (after wandering around for an hour in the snow, looking for the apparent after-party, and then spending an hour or two there once we found it). Kat suggested that she was in the mood to relax, coming down from a night of hardcore partying and dancing, and her friends agreed. We popped on a romance movie that Kat and I had talked about watching while she was down.... and then her friends passed out in the living room.

The scene seemed pretty set, didn't it?

She and I laid down on my bed, turned on the movie, and then she said that she didn't want to cuddle. She's still more heartbroken than she realized, I suppose.... she said it was a strange feeling just to be in bed with a man again, let alone an ex who is obviously still in love with her. She needs to be alone for a long time and, although she really really wants to, she won't let herself fall back into that; she knows that the only way she's really going to get serious self-growth is through being solitary for a while. "Wow" I thought, "She really has grown up." I respect her so much more now, the old her would have never had the willpower to do that or even the presence of mind to seriously consider that course of action.

We talked about her issues, and about mine.... and I realized that talking to her has pulled me back into the past. I've had my head in the past more and more this past month, and its not been good for me. I need to focus on the here and now, the people who are in there here and now and what I mean to them now, not what I used to mean.

So then we laid there, and watched a movie... at least until I passed out. When I woke up, they were all gone.... they had to pick up Kat's son from the babysitter's place pretty early so I understand why they didn't wake me up or wait for me.

What a strange night it was.... not at all what I expected, and yet I was strangely OK with it the whole way through. It didn't disappoint me or hurt me like I figured rejection would. I'm actually really happy that she's come so far, and I wouldn't want to jeopardize that by spending even an intimate moment with her.

Maybe this is actually the end of this story. Maybe I'm OK now. I feel more OK than I've been since she barreled back into my life with her tears and her late-night phone calls needing a hero who would be there for her no matter what.

We'll see if this feeling stays.