Well Dustin backed off... finally took no for an answer. That was a relief.

I feel like maybe I'm starting to head into the Anger phase of grieving. The last few days, I've felt really bitter and angry towards her. I'm starting to question whether or not I'd even take her back when/if she ever wants to work things out. I stood by her, I gave myself completely to her. Every single time shit hit the fan for her, I was there. I stood strong, I was her rock to lean on. But when things go hard for me... she's not there. Its suddenly my problem alone. I don't deserve that bullshit.

But I can't help but still be hurt by everything she does. I'm in pain right now, because of her. Because she couldn't be considerate and decent to the first guy in her history that treated her with consideration and decency. She tells me that my emotions aren't her problem anymore, that I need to deal with things on my own. But she gave me these problems and these emotions! She's the one who fucked me over, she's the one who tore my heart from my chest. And she says its not her problem!? Its her goddamn fault that I feel this way!

How can she go out and have a good time, knowing the pain she's putting me through!? How can she go and fuck Dave, and cuddle with him, and talk to him about where the two of them intend on going with their little fling? How can she do that, without looking behind her and seeing the fucking mess she's left in her wake? How can she not feel guilty, and not at least pause to help me get back on my feet after she so viciously and selfishly pushed me over in her rush to make herself happy (when I was trying so hard to do that for her)?

She doesn't deserve the commitment I gave her. She doesn't deserve the love, the passion, the complete honesty and reliability that I gave her. She couldn't even give me back half of what I gave her. She doesn't deserve a boyfriend who would do the best he could to be a good role model for her son, when his father is such a fucking useless reject.

I hope that in a few years, she'll look back and wonder what she could have had. She'll look at her half-committed husband (who's probably just using her as a trophy wife) and the way he snubs Drayden because he's not Dray's actual father, and wonder how much more confident her son would feel if he had more than a father who doesn't give a shit and a step-father that is only around because its a package deal with his mother. She'll look at him as he sits accross the dinner table, eating his dinner and thinking about his job or his day, and wonder if maybe she'd rather have somebody that would be asking her about her job or her day instead.

I hope she calls me a few years from now, and asks me how I'm doing. And I hope that by then I'll be able to tell her that I've found someone who actually wanted all the love that she simply tossed aside.

....but most of all I hope she realizes her mistake before it gets to be so late that it needs to come to that. I still really hope that she gets her month of freedom, and looks around only to feel empty. I miss her scent, I miss her skin against mine. I miss all those things about her.... and maybe I'll get those things back. But I also miss seeing her and feeling like I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that I could half faith in her and trust her. I don't think I'll ever get that back.

So maybe I'm forced to wonder, whats the point of hoping?