I'm lonely, and I'm bitter. I'm angry at the world because none of this is my fault, and yet I'm left feeling totally left out. I feel inadequate on so many levels. I feel guilty for taking out my frustration on the people around me whose only fault is that they can do basic things like go for a walk while I can't.

About 3 weeks ago I broke my ankle while playing with my step-son at the park. Things havn't been going too well for me ever since. It was the most ridiculous accident. I was showing him how to ride his scooter.... and then it hit a hole in the grass and I fell off. Who knew that falling such a short distance (MABYE a foot at the ABSOLUTE max) could break your ankle in 2 places and tear a muscle in your calf, putting you out of comission for 6 weeks or more.

I'm stuck at home, pretty much confined to my computer chair except when I hop to the bathroom or the kitchen. The first few days it was OK, I got to take time off work, try out the Starcraft 2 Beta that I'd gotten my hands on. It quickly grew really old though. I never really thought about what kind of social creature I was until I was deprived of the ability to leave my house (for the most part) without the help of my girlfriend. I hate this. I hate not being able to do anything. I hate the side-effects its had on my life. Its gotten to me, its started fucking with my head... I've turned into this selfish, clingy, needy asshole. And I'm only half way through this whole thing.

I feel like I never get to see Kat anymore. I'm always at home, so she never gets her time away from me. Before she'd have between 4-8 hours away from me while I was at work. Now she gets nothing. So she escapes the house, to get that space from me that she needs. I'm left with the children while she's out having a good time with her friends, and I can't help but feel bitter and jealous of it all. I'm jealous of her ability to go out so easily, I'm jealous of her friends because they get to hang out with her in a happy environment.... lots of the time she's at home she's stressed because she sees a zillion flaws in the house and feels bogged down by it all. All I see is a restless, frustrated girl. And then she leaves, and gets to enjoy herself. And I get to stay here... who knew a brand new game could get so damn bland, so damn fast.

Well, thats not entirely true. I mean we spent a few good days together this past week... she even brought me out a few places just so I could escape the house for a few hours. I just wish we could have more. All things considered, she's actually done a huge amount to help me out, short of sequestering herself in the house beside me. I feel so selfish, so clingy. I'm just really lonely... because now, if she goes somewhere, I don't have the option to bike to a friend's place and hang out there.

Our open relationship has never been an issue, but with this injury, I'm feeling really inadequate. She's got a bit of a fling going on with a mutual friend of ours, and that's fine. I mean everyone involved understands the priorities here, that he will never be equal to me in her eyes, and he's totally respectful of our relationship. I have nothing to complain about in regards to that whole situation. Except that now I'm so restricted.... I feel insecure about things, because I see her going and hanging out with him and I wish more than anything that it could be me instead of him. I wish I could be the one going to the fair with her, except that I'm not allowed on any rides. I wish that I could go to the clubs with her, except that they all have stairs in the entrance so I can't even get inside without feeling like some charity case. I know that she's not replacing me with a more fit model or anything like that, not even temporarilly... its just new and exciting. This whole thing will pass, like things like this have come and gone in the past... the only difference is that now there actually *are* things that he can do that I can't. I know she doesn't view things that way, and its just my frustration with my condition thats making me feel this way... but fuck.

I also know that she'd stop it in a moment if I asked... I mean she's asked me if I wanted her to. But I'm not going to let my injury ruin her fun. This is not her issue, its mine, and this is just part of an open relationship... these things happen. And I know damn well that if she was the one in my shoes, she wouldn't expect me to stay and entertain her. She'd want me to get out and have a good time just like the one she's having now. She's really great like that, and I feel like a dick because here I am all selfish and bitter about it all.

I think I'm expecting too much from her... I should take a clue from the way I know she'd treat me if she were the one injured. I need to stop sulking in my bitterness from this injury, and find a way to kick this cabin fever. Taking it out on her, somebody I love more than anything and pretty much the only reliable company I have that doesn't still wear a diaper to bed.

I wish I had somebody to cuddle right now... Kat's over at her fling's place tonight, I gave her the 100% go-ahead on that, so I can't even be frustrated with it.

I'm gonna go look for my big stuffed Tiger. Artemis is always there for cuddles when I need him.