Went to Rustic Robot this saturday night, which is an annual rave a bit more than an hour out of town. Its way out in the mountains, 75% of the drive is on forestry maintence roads. The actual event is in this open clearing in the forest, which for some reason has a bunch of sand dunes... which are perfect for stages. The way the sand dunes are curved, if a stage is put at the bottom of each one then there's no sound interference between the stages. Its a fantastic event.
But it got me thinking at first... which wasn't a good thing. When I think, it tends to overtake me... its hard to get myself to stop thinking. The only thing that you can do is distract me, but I'll usually fight it and go off on my own... to think. Which I need to stop doing. This year, I was thinking about last year... Rustic Robot was me and Kat's first real party together.We bonded lots at Rustic, and in the days following.
It heralded a pretty massive change in the way I viewed the world, and the way I viewed parties.... before that, my image of a party was just a bunch of idiots drinking around a fire. Thats all it was in high school, why would it be any more than that in adulthood? I guess they still are. But raves are different. No fights, no drama, no bullshit. No drunk idiots making fools of themselves and falling into campfires. Lots of people are drunk, lots of people are on drugs, lots of people are sober... but everybody is just there to have a good time and to help everybody else have a good time.
On the way home from Rustic last year, we got into a car accident... we landed upside down at the bottom of a 20ft ravine. I was in the back seat with 3 other people (it only seats 3, so Kat was on my lap) and none of us had seatbelts on. We were lucky to be alive, let alone (for the most part) uninjured. It was pouring rain, and we were still a good long drive from town. And a very long drive from cell phone reception. We managed to hitch a ride in the back of a passing truck to the hospital... the whole ride down, I was shielding Kat from the wind and rain. My hands were white and numb from gripping the sides around her, keeping her warm while the rest of me suffered.
I looked back at those memories, and I wondered how she could help looking back and regretting things. How can she look at Dave and not wonder how he would react if they got into a car accident on the way to Shambhala? When I look at the things I did for her, the danger and pain I put myself through on a semi-regular basis to keep her safe and sane.... I wonder how she could simply stop loving me. Stop appreciating me.
I beat myself up over it, quite a bit. And it made me realize just how much damage this woman has done to me, emotionally. Its impressive, in a sick and twisted way.
But then I started to come out of it... I forced myself out of my tent. I surrounded myself by 1000 other people who only wanted to have a good time. Who only wanted me to have a good time. And then I began to wonder why I couldn't... and I realized that I didn't have any reason. Kat wasn't what made it a good time. Kat was what made it a better time than it already was. But I could have a good time without her. I could make a great time by myself. So I did. I hung out with my friends... at least the ones I could find. And I bumped into lots of friends I didnt even realize were going to be there.
Everything with McKenzie is fading into the distance... she's caught up with stuff in her own head at the moment, as well as stuff going on in her life. I've pretty much given up on anything between her and I while she's down. When she told me about the things that are distracting her (which are her private stuff, so I won't post it here) I let her know that I'll take what I can get. If she's ready for something closer and more intimate, then I'll be there for that... but if all she wants is a friend, I'll be there for that too. And anything in between. That seemed to take a weight off her shoulders... she was worried about me feeling rejected. Why would I though? Its not like she doesn't care for me or I don't care for her... I'm not going to be offended when life does its thing and insists on complicating somebody's life. When I told Sarah about it all, I was really flattered by her response... Sarah essentially told me that she'd help me out whenever she was with McKenzie... try to help her solve her issues so she can relax and not be so worried that it distacts her from having a good time.
Jackie and I spoke LOTS while we were at Rustic... I was actually really impressed with her. I usually keep Jackie at quite the distance because of the way she's been in the past. I let my guard down while I was at Rustic, largely due to inebriation but also because I have actually gained quite a bit of faith in her maturity this year. In 2009, Jackie was a fucking huge pain in my ass; this was probably mostly due to her being REALLY bitter from me leaving her. But since 2010 has started... she's gotten much better. I can only think of one stupid mistake she's made in the last 6 months, and it was back in like february. She's actually grown up lots lately, so I let my guard down and talked to her and got to know her again. Which I'm happy that I've done. I feel like her and I have gotten to be somewhat close again.... she's grown up to be a really great woman these days. Still ABSOLUTELY NOT the sort of person I'd date or having feelings for again, but I can see why I fell for her in the first place. I can definitely see our friendship being functional again. Maybe living with her in September won't be so bad. I'm still not too comfortable with it, but its my only real option... at least I know she's not the fucking psycho she was when I left her.
I'm really intimidated by Shambhala in 2 weeks. Rustic has reminded me the scope of raves, and Rustic was a simple bush party compared to Shambhala. I'm going to have to pack carefully, and pace myself, or else I'm going to be a wreck on monday when we pack up the car and head home.
I'm glad that this weekend happened. I've grown lots, and I've healed lots. I think this is the actual start of me picking myself up off the ground.