So the older of my two younger sisters is pregnant. She's 19 years old, this is her first boyfriend and her first love. She dropped out of high school and spent most of her teenage years wallowing in a pit of self-pity and anorexia (which started out as an attention grab but quickly developed into an actual disorder) so she never experienced the heartbreak and bullshit that high school dating educates you with. She's still dealing with terrible eating habits and health problems because of her former eating disorder... she's only really been healthy for the time that she's been dating Hayven (who she's only been with for the last 6 months). And come next July, she's going to be a mother.
This idea terrifies me. Everybody is saying how good of a mom she's going to be because of how they see her treat my son.... and I can't deny, she is amazing with Demitri. But babysitting (even overnight) is a far cry from parenthood. Lindsey is a pretty emotionally unstable girl... how can anybody say with confidence that she'll be able to keep herself together all the time and be a parent? I think that I'm focusing so much on the bad because nobody else is.... all everybody is talking about is how good this is. How good this could be for her, how it could motivate her and inspire her and push her to get healthier and grow. But are we all really willing to say that betting the life of a child on it is a good idea? Yes, I agree, this could really be an amazing thing for her. But if its not.... then who will be left holding the tab at the end of the night? Certainly not somebody who deserves it.
Lindsey is a very defensive person... a stern argument will cost you a week of contact with her, if not more. I feel like I should be honest with her, and voice my concerns (obviously in a more tactful way than I have here) but I'm scared that it might do more harm than good. She's stubborn, I know that if she's decided that she's going to have it then there's no debating with her..... this is whats best for her, and thats all there is to it in her mind. Even an expression of doubt that she's doing the right thing might cause her to recoil from me.... and then when/if shit hits the fan she won't let me help. I have a hard time lying to my family.... lies are something that I've grown very proficient with over the years, but on principle I feel as though I'm obligated to be honest with those close to me (friends and family included) so I have a very hard time sugar coating any negative thoughts I have. I've told her that I'll be here for her for anything she needs, but so far I'm avoiding the topic of my opinion like its the plague... I hope she knows her own brother well enough to know that she should avoid it as well.
A human life should not be treated lightly... its not something that should occur without careful thought. Its something that, should it arrive, needs to be nurtured and protected. I wasn't ready to be a father but when Jackie forced the issue and went made life decisions without discussing it with me it was those very principles that caused me to grow to become a father; this boy is my son, my progeny... and I have a greater responsability to him than I have to myself. I wonder if Lindsey understands that.... when/if this baby arrives, she is a mother before she is herself. Somehow I feel like she's not taking it seriously though.
And there's nothing I can do, other than smile and nod. Anything else risks my ability to be there when she might really truly need it.
In other, less dramatic, life news... I've invited Whitney out again. I feel like such a sap for this girl. She's stood me up 3 times now, and although she's had a reason each time to explain it away... it causes doubts, you know? She's told me that she's still interested, so I've still pursued the thought of it all. My mind says "Let her make the next move" but my gut and my heart says "If you do that, you might lose your shot." I'm not sure why I care about losing my shot with Whitney.... I mean I have other woman after me. Vanessa is gorgeous, for one. And its not like I'm worried about companionship, because I have Brittney for as long as either of us is single. I have other options, but Whitney's got her hooks in me and I don't know for the life of me why. I've invited her out to the SIFE christmas party (SIFE is a student organization I'm a part of) which is on the 7th of December.... the RSVP has to be in by the 1st, so I was sure to tell her that there's no rush in responding to my invitation. I don't want to put pressure on everything, especially after all those failed dates... I don't want to come off as pushy or clingy.
As per usual, there's nothing to do but see how its all going to play out.