Whoa.

Life has a way of changing rapidly. The largest events come on the fastest, the game-changing events like car accidents and natural disasters, can be just around the corner and you don't even know they're there until they hit you like a train. Sometimes its good. Sometimes its bad.

Shortly after we returned from Sham, probably only a day or two after I posted my last entry, I got a text from Kat saying that she was moving to Nelson early. A whole month early. Something had happened at her parent's house, some big falling out between her and her mother and she just needed out. So we wouldn't be able to have that dinner I asked for while we were at Sham, the event I had planned to be my goodbye to her and hopefully get some closure (although I was never sure how I was supposed to go about that). I was so amazed by how that text tore through me. After a year and a half, after all this growth and strengthening myself... even the tiniest rejection on her part tore into me like a burst of bullets from a rifle.

So I called her, to say goodbye. It probably wasn't a good idea. When she didn't answer, I didn't even leave a message. What was I going to say? That I still love her with all my heart and that I don't want her to go? What was even going through my mind that wouldn't sound completely pathetic if I opened my mouth to her? I gave up, and tried to accept that I probably wouldn't hear from her again. I mean she rarely uses the computer, hasn't been a big part of my social life for the past year and she's moving 5 hours away to the next valley over. Sounds like a recipe for separation if you ask me. Vince encouraged me to still seek that final conversation, his logic being a matra I've taken up in the past few years; "Better to regret the things you've done than the things you haven't" but I wasn't ever really convinced that such a conversation would be very productive. I think I secretly ended up kinda glad that she didn't answer that call I made.

But then she called me back.

And it all came out. All the pathetic bullshit, all the embarassing thoughts that I really should have just kept in. How much I care about her, how it hurt that I wouldn't be able to say goodbye to her in person. That if she ever came back to visit family or something of the sort, call me, because I would do anything to see her again. I actually said that last line, word for word. I know, it sounds completely pathetic; I'm completely embarassed that I fell apart at the seams like that. Voice full of tears, I opened my heart in the most ridiculous way to the woman who had destroyed it so long ago.

But then it all worked out. She understood where I was coming from. She told me that she absolutely wanted to come say goodbye to me, that I am a massive part of who she is. That all the impulsive bullshit she used to pull, the attention seeking and the crazy bitch moods that she used to get into... that she'd grown up from them, and that it was because of me. That memories of me calling her out on her crap always welled up whenever she got those impulses. She used to be an unstable, crazy bitch in so many ways and she pretty much gave me all the credit for helping her grow the fuck up. She wasn't creeped out by anything I said, no matter how awkward it should have felt hearing it from an ex boyfriend from over a year ago. She said that she needed to come back to the Okanagan to finish some business with her kid's dad and her parents and that she'd come visit me then.

That was about 2 weeks ago. And oh how the world changes in 2 weeks.

When she arrived, I knew that this would be my chance to end things on my terms. I told myself that if I could cuddle with her and watch a movie, just spend a fraction of time in a position which showed I was still desirable to her, that it would help heal me. It would prove that I was good enough. But when she arrived, she was so physically detached from herself due to all the stress that I honestly didn't even know if something as simple as cuddles and a movie would be possible.

But the chemistry between her and I loosened her up pretty quick. We ended up going out for dinner, and then returning to my place to cuddle and watch a movie a few days later. My victory had been achieved. She got her life problems sorted out, and decided to spend her last weekend in town at her parent's place. At my request (which I made for dramatic effect, a good final scene for the final chapter in the story of her and I) I even got a goodbye kiss on her way out the door.

And then something unexpected happened.

I spent the weekend getting "I miss being in Kelowna with you" texts. So what would any man in my position do? I invited her back. She returned about a week ago, and she's leaving again (for real this time) come monday. But in the meantime things have moved faster than I could have even imagined.

First I was just a supportive friend, an ex still in love with her but not letting that get in the way of their friendship.

Then, shortly after she returned, we slept together. It was a purely physical, primal event that was caused by both of us being entirely too pent up due to neither of us getting any action in a long time. But then it happened a second time.

And even then, I wouldn't have thought much of the second time were it not for the obvious intimacy she'd been drawing the two of us into. A few nights ago she commented that it was weird how of all people I had ended up being her summer fling. Apparently I was a fling now; and that implies emotions.

She's leaving on monday and I will be sad to see her go. The 2 weeks I've spent with her have reminded me why I love her so much, and seeing how much she's grown and matured past the impulsive and reckless woman who destroyed me has made me very happy. But on the other side, I'll be happy. This is a nice, proper ending for our story. A happy ending. An ending on my terms. This will not be a goodbye where one of us is rejected by the other; this is a farewell, an accepting of the divergence of our paths (which could arguably have been said to have diverged a long time ago).

I'm sure I sound like a fool writing this. I know of one beautiful woman with wacky colored hair who will read this and probably call me to berate me for how stupid of an idea this is. And although I will swear that I know what I'm doing, she'll swear to me that I'm going to end up with my heart broken again.

But I feel healed. I am in control of this situation... things are ending on a happy note. Which is all I ever wanted.

After so long of writing and pulling on my bonds, of clawing for freedom and getting almost nowhere.... its as if the ropes have all been cut at once. I am free. And I am enjoying it. And its nice to dominate (if only for a few sweaty minutes at a time) the person who bound me.