I really hope that the child tax money comes in for Demitri this month.

Normally, parents get about $400 from the Canadian gov't every month to help with childcare costs... however, Jackie dragged her heels (being the mother, she was the one who had to do it) getting the paperwork done for it and we still haven't gotten it yet. Not all of it is her fault, as for about the last who knows how many months they were sending it to the wrong address. But now they've got the right one, and we're just waiting on a massive backpay cheque to come in... we've estimated it to be something to the tune of $9000, which Jackie and I would be splitting down the middle. We'll be splitting the monthly cheque from then on, as well. What a help that'll be.

When I broke my ankle, I obviously lost my job. By the time my ankle was healed, my former employer didn't have enough work to re-hire me and Kat had left me. All the summer hiring had already been done, so I was out of luck.... even more so when Kat kicked me out and I moved back in with my mom in Oliver. I couldn't even go on EI, because the job I'd had before was under the table... between that and spending all my time in school before, I didn't have even remotely the amount of hours worked to get any handouts. This town is so backwater, there's next to nothing for employment.... especially not for somebody who is leaving town at the end of summer. Thank god for being able to live with my mom. Unfortunately, she's broke too... even though she's running a retail store here in town, she still barely makes enough to keep her head above the water. Having a grown man and his 2 year old son move into the house without being able to financially contribute didn't help.

If this money doesn't come in this month (it'll be in on the 20th if it comes) then I just don't know what's going to happen.

Everything in my life is hinging on cash at the moment. I'm borrowing $200 from Jackie's dad to pay for my admissions fee to get back into college. Even before that, I'm sitting around $500 in debt from borrowing money through the summer to help my mom out as much as I could. I'm so scared that it just isn't going to come. I've gotten so used to things going wrong for me in the last few months, that I can't excape this ominous feeling in my gut. Because of how long its taken me to get this admissions fee, my student loans probably won't be coming in right away... so that just makes this payout even more necissary. What happens if it doesn't come in, and I'm now expected to go to school? Without money to live, to pay rent, how am I going to survive in Kelowna? Am I going to be like Will Smith in 'Pursuit of Happyness', locking the door in a public bathroom so I can spend the night there with my son?

Shambhala was a beautifully wonderful point of light in the midst of months and months of torturous happenstance. It was a week ago, and it almost feels surreal to remember it... like it was so good that it can't possibly be real. Could the whole weekend have been a figment, a defense mechanism? If only it were so easy to ignore reality and be happy. Still, I'm glad I went. God knows what state I'd be in at this point if I didn't get that time to recharge and recouperate. I suppose it was the metaphorical eye of the storm... hopefully this storm is less circular and more oblong... I don't know if I can say pretty definitely that another 4 months of life's big black dick in my ass would put me in the hospital. So many people see me as the strongest person they know; Kat once told me that nothing would worry her more than seeing me give up hope. Those sentiments should be a testament to the trials that I've been put through.

Life has been this hard before, back in January... Kat and I were even more broke than my mom is now. There were days when we didn't eat because we wanted to save the food for my son and hers. She and I turned to dealing drugs while we were about to be evicted. Then I got that job carpet cleaning, and she got one as well... and things started to be better. Even when it was hard though, we still weathered it together... we were eachother's rock. Broke, starving, freezing cold because we couldn't afford to heat the house... we still had eachother. As hard as it was then, this lonliness is worse. Because I'm caught here, worrying and wondering when things will ever go my way. And there's nobody to hug me and kiss me and tell me that no matter what happens I'll always have them. Demiri looks at me like I'm his hero but I can't help but feel like I'm walking the knife's edge, just about to let him down.

Kat really can't be blamed for all the bad luck in my life. So much of this was just the perfect storm... all these circumstances playing out at just the right moments to generate just the right pressures in just the right areas to cause my entire life to collapse around me. But I do feel like she was the keystone... like if I still had her, if I still had somebody to turn to and count on, things wouldn't be nearly this bad. She feels guilty about what she's done to me, but I don't think she really appreciates the disparity between where I am and where I would be if she had just acted like a mature adult and a responsible partner.

All this started with a scooter. I genuinely don't think I'll ever have the balls to ride one again.