Lately I've realized two things that might seem to be completely at odds. But they're certainly not untrue, which is the strangest part.

A conversation with Vincent the other night has made me question whether or not I have a dash of Antisocial personality disorder. He brings up many good points... I view almost everything, the whole world, in a very clinical way. Everything is reduced to numbers and odds, everything is simplified into "If you do A, you get B". And I use that to my advantage..... so I don't really see the issue. I've always known that I've been rather cold and calculating in most all aspects of my life (save one, we'll get to that) and I've never seen a problem with it. But after seeing me again after so many years, Vincent seems to think that I'm slipping further and further into this hyperrational train of thought that I'm losing touch with my emotions and (to put it in a hyperbolic sense) my humanity. Whats probably most worrisome is that if that does turn out to be the case I'm really not all that bothered by it... I mean emotions are more often than not a hinderance to success, right?

And the other thing is that my heart has been clawing at itself.... I don't know what the hell to do with it. I am still so completely in love with Kat, but its been so long and I know that the woman I am in love with no longer exists. She's a memory. As wonderful of a woman as Kat has grown into being, she's not the Kat that I love anymore. I don't know where to go with it. For all my calculation and lack of empathy for the world at large, romance has always been at the core of who I am. And I've been without it for so long. In hindsight, Amanda was an experiment... she was so wildly different than every girl I'd ever dated. It didn't work. I need somebody exciting, somebody passionate, somebody with a devious side. I need a fiery woman. But there's none to be found.

Maybe heartbreak is what's been continuing to drive me away from emotions at large.

Maybe love is the only thing that can really reconnect me to the world. If only it were easy to simply find.