Its so easy to say that I'm going to focus on being healthy, and forgetting Kat, and that I know we need space. Its such an easy thing to say, such an easy thing to know. But its such a hard thing to believe.... hell, I believe it. Its just so bloody hard to accept.

I've spent the last month alone, barely leaving the house. On wednesday morning I took my FIRST walk since I broke my ankle... I don't mean like a walk down the block with Demitri, I mean like an actual walk, downtown, like a regular person. Like I used to do pretty much every day. It was a way bigger pain in the ass than it would be normally, because this cast still really restricts me, but I managed to hobble... this is how pirates with peg-legs must feel. But I digress. It was my first walk in a month.... before, that, I'd spent pretty much the whole time in my computer chair.

I'm still stuck here most of the time, and by proxy I'm stuck with my thoughts. Starcraft 2 just doesn't excite me like it did 3 weeks ago when I got the Beta. Maybe its because I played it so damn much since I got it due to not having any fucking company here when Kat was out fucking Dave and falling for him. Or maybe its because I just can't get my head into a competitive game when I'm feeling like shit. I just can't escape it. I can't go anywhere other than my kitchen and bathroom, really. Its rained like mad lately, so I can't even go for a walk... all my walking has worn down the heel in my cast and if I walk with it on wet pavement the thing gets soaked and could grow fungus or something inside it. Hooray for more things going wrong for me.

Seriously, what the fuck? I have a happy life... and then I break my ankle, which causes me to lose my job. My girlfriend gets too absorbed fucking her friend to notice that he's starting to look like more than a friend, and my friend whom I thought had an understanding of his responsabilities regarding my relationship decides that tomorrow's feelings are tomorrow's problem and all that matters to him at the moment is the beautiful lady laying beside him while her boyfriend is at home, bitter and lonely, playing the same fucking game he's been playing for the last 5 hours because he can't even go for a goddamn walk. And then, to top it off, once I can go for a walk, its fucking raining all the time. I live in the goddamn desert, it rains like once a month here, if that. And yet its rained the past fucking WEEK, just as I gain the ability to enjoy something as basic as fresh fucking air.

I miss her so much. I hate her for not missing me. I hate that I still love her, because although I want to see all this pain of mine ripped into her flesh, it would hurt me just the same. Although I wish I could grab her by the throat and fuck her one last time, and make it hurt, I can't. I wish I could rend her heart like she's rent mine. But I can't because her heart is no longer mine, and I can see that. Its very plain to see. I know she feels bad for what she's done to me, but a friend can only feel so guilty when there's no romance involved. She's truly won this... not only has she spent the last month exploring the joys of new, passionate affection while I stewed at home, injured and alone... but she's also been able to soften the blow of betrayal and guilt because she simply doesn't care as much as I do.

I feel like a junkie though.... I just want to hold her. I want to kiss her, to hear that she loves me. I feel this claw on the back of my head, carving her name into my fucking brain. And I just can't escape it. This house, all it makes me think about is the family I've lost. And because of this ankle and the weather, I'm stuck here, to look around and see all the things that are no longer mine to treasure. It's not just her, its Drayden, its the house itself. Its my bedroom that I'm moving out of, its my comfortable bed that I shared with her for the past year and a half. I can't stop wanting her. Even a night of drugs and affection and ignorance with Nikita, it only distracted me for as long as I was high. Like gum is merely a distraction for a smoker, inebriation is only a distraction for the lovesick.

And as much as I think I'm strong, as much as I try to tell everyone around me (including myself) that I wouldn't take her back because I have things I need to sort out... I know that I would. I'd make a dozen excuses. I'd hide it from my friends. I'd take her back in a moment. And I hate myself for it. She doesn't deserve my forgiveness, she doesn't deserve my love. And yet its as simple as lighting a match to her.... if she wants it, at a moment's notice, all it would take is a hand gesture and I'd hold her and tell her the most sincere and beautiful things I could dig from my lovestruck heart. But she doesn't want that.... and I hate her for it.

I hate her, and I hate myself for not being able to hate her as much as she deserves.