I didn't expect to, but I did. I got to hear it straight from her, sobbing and all. Tonight Kat called me, in tears, asking me to distract her. She's going through the motions of the breakup, and she felt like she could trust me with a phone call and she knew that I'd help her through things. Not because I am her ex, but because I am still her friend.... I'm sort of the go-to guy at times like this it seems, for all my female friends. So I'm not reading into it with any depth.

So I guess the story is that she actually left him.... I suppose. Essentially what happened is that she tried to talk through some of their problems and he got all passive aggressive on her and cuts her off saying "We're done" in the sort of "This conversation is done" way. But its the breaking point for her and she twists his words back on him and decides that yes, they are done. Permanently. She hasn't been able to really talk to him about any of their problems. Ever. Surprise, Dave is a cowardly douche who refuses to openly deal with conflict; I learned that the hard way. That doesn't make it any easier on her, however.

But yeah, hour and a half conversation. It was equal parts "Thanks for still being here for me after all I did", "Wow, going through this sucks and you had it way worse than I do, I am so sorry", and "Holy shit this hurts so much"

I really didn't expect to get that phone call. I didn't expect to have pretty much every detail of what I requested in my last entry delivered to me, on a silver platter. Once she'd calmed down and stopped crying, she even said "After all I put you through, I hope that you're feeling pretty smug about me and Dave right now, because you have every right to be." Why yes, Kat. I am feeling rather smug. And I am not only enjoying it, but have no problem flaunting it. I'm glad you understand.

However there was also things I learned in our conversation.... things about myself.

I was lying when I said that I have no more romantic feelings for her. I am no longer in love with her, but I still very deeply care for her. A very strong part of me wants her back.... not to have back what we had, because while I loved her with all my heart before it wasn't a really healthy relationship for either of us (and although it wasn't the best way to break up, breaking up was for the best). But a part of me really wants to try again.... the way our personalities functioned with another, the way we communicated so flawlessly (even after the breakup while I lived there, we still talked through our problems. And even though she's the worst listener in the world, she tried her best to help me work through my emotions.) and we kept one another engaged.

I've said it before that I am intimidated by the idea of trying to find another woman who matches me at the same level that Kat did. Her and I really just meshed incredibly well, and given my experience with relationships before her I really don't think its likely that I'll find another one like that any time soon. So somewhere deep inside me, lots of me is going "Well, maybe its not all broken."

I won't though. For my own dignity, and for my own sanity, I will not do that to myself.

Maybe one day, if I sincerely believe that she's grown enough to not risk the same heartbreak as she posed before, I'll consider it. There was so much good about her and I that I would have a hard time not at least considering getting that back. But thats for one day, not today. Not any time close to today. She's still unstable, and I'm still hurting and I'm only just realizing that I'm still hurting.