I used to procrastinate with video games and dicking around online. I still do, to an extent. But I feel like they can't hold me like they used to... sometimes I'm actually doing it knowing that I'm not really having a good time I'm just avoiding work. And yet I still do it.... eventually I'll get down to work, I know I will, I always force myself these days. I guess its better than before, when I'd just avoid it until it was far too late, and then give up and admit it was too late.

These days all I want to do is curl up in bed it seems. Except doing it alone just isn't appealing. I'm starting to feel lonely again, and I am forced to remember that this is a feeling that I hate. Its motivated me very much in the past, and although I try to break old habits, I find myself still being affected by its glamours.

My life has been so much better since moving to Kelowna. Hell, on a purely numerical basis, my life is so much better than it almost ever was any of the time I was with Kat. As broke as Jackie and I are now, we're still better off than Kat and I were for the longest time. And yet, I was more satisfied with life and happier then. We were broke, bordering on starving sometimes. The boys had to wear jackets inside because her and I couldn't afford to heat the house for much of the winter... it was terrible. We had to deal drugs just to survive, just to have a roof over our heads. But we had one another, and its weird to see that by comparison I was happier then than I am now.

Apparently broke, hungry, cold, and directionless but in love is a better deal in the rationale of my psyche than decently well-fed, warm, comfortable, and on the road to success but completely lonely.

I think its possible that love is simply too important to me.