Its been a while since my last entry, lots has happened but I haven't found the words for it really. Part of it is that I honestly wasn't sure of how things were going, I didn't want to state something only to find out that my assumptions were wrong and have a fool made of me. But I think I've got the direction of my life locked down for the time being so I feel comfortable putting it down in words.

School has been going well enough I suppose, I'm sucking hard at my accounting courses as usual but I'm finding my way to pass them somehow. The others are pretty easy as far as I'm concerned but they're more homework based than test based and my laziness gets in the way of good grades. I'll keep on learning and do the same old thing as always. I'm modeling in the student fashion show again this year, and I'll be actually MCing the even this time. I feel all important and shit.

Things with Marion have been largely frozen but still there. Between her trips to various places in the province on long weekends and our midterms I haven't had a chance to actually go on many dates with her. We went and took some salsa dancing lessons a few weeks back and that was good.... as per usual I rocked out the two left feet and only survived based on my ability to laugh at myself but I think she enjoyed it. She's only in the area for another month and a bit, and I haven't even really gotten close to her. I hope I get to actually manage some romance before she leaves... something to remember that french vision of beauty by.

Everything with Kristi has gone..... in the most unexpected ways. I'm finding myself very emotionally drawn to her, very attached to her. I could fall in love with her if I let myself. And I'm sure she's feeling the same for me..... but she's made it absolutely clear that she's got no interest in making this a serious romantic affair. We're dating, we're sleeping together, it is most definitely romantic but she doesn't want to have any commitment or belonging or responsability involved with any of it.... honestly that sort of thing catches me off guard. Isn't it usually the man clinging to freedom and the woman trying to lock him down? I feel almost as though its the other way around... I would be more than happy to maintain the way things are (I mean its all the benefits of a relationship and one of the payments) but it almost feels wrong. I feel like she should be offended by the fact that I'm not committing to her. Most girls would be. But she's not most girls I suppose.

My whole love life is just a fucking weird spot. I look at my situation and I feel almost guilty. I feel like this is too good to be true and there must be somebody being hurt by it. I'm romantically involved with Kristi and I'm dating Marion on the side, with the freedom to date as many other women as I want. I feel like I'm living almost a playboy lifestyle and everything I've been taught all my life is telling me in my gut that its not right and there's something wrong with this situation and that somebody is being hurt by my actions. But nobody is. I'm being encouraged; when I briefly talked to Kristi about the possibility of a relationship between her and I (after a few nights of second-guessing her enthusiasm about our casual situation) she was genuinely uncomfortable with the idea of a real commitment. If it weren't for that very awkward conversation I would think that she was just letting me do what she thought I wanted, but now I am 100% certain that this is exactly what she wants as well.

I feel like I'm living a life too good to be true, one that I do not deserve. Maybe I've paid my dues and I'm coming back into a second golden age of my 20s after a year and a half of heartbreak and bullshit. I'm not sure I deserve success just yet though.

I've got a meeting tomorrow morning with a local business owner who was given my contact information when he did some looking around for 'the right people' to help him expand his business from where it is into where he wants it to be. I'm flattered that he actually sought me out and offered to take me out for lunch to discuss an offer; I might have a job that I never even applied for, before I'm even out of school. This is what I mean when I say that things seem too good to be true.

This seems to be the yin-yan of my life: when things are going bad I feel as though I am a decent person who doesn't deserve to be screwed by life; when things are going good I feel as though I am ONLY a decent person and do not deserve the fortune I'm being shown.

I think I'll take the undeserved success, if I have the choice between the two.