As much as I hate to admit it, McKenzie leaving on sunday for Ontario is the best thing that could possibly happen at this point. I spent last night with her (nothing happened, mother nature was the one to cockblock me this time, if you get my drift) and it was fantastic. But I can already feel my mind getting into rebound mode, and thats not going to be good for either of us. Both her and I are really emotionally damaged right now due to things happening in our lives. She's a really fantastic girl, and I would never want to get myself emotionally involved with her, it would just wind up breaking her heart. It was good to lay with her though, watch movies, and know that somebody is attracted to me. To know that I am worth the attention.

Its shown me something though; I don't think I can be trusted to even have a fuck buddy. Although nothing happened between her and I, just the proximity to a girl that I know is attracted to me.... I could feel the danger of things developing. If I got a fuck buddy.. I'd probably run a very serious risk of starting to fall for them in a fucked up rebound. I'm glad that I learned this way, in a failure-proof environment.

I am floundering emotionally, and I'm sure that everybody who knows me can see it. I don't know what the hell to do with my life, I'm so lost. I need a victory here, I need something to go right for me. I need a job, which would allow my mind to escape. I need to make some new friends that I won't develop feelings for in a fucked up rebound. Once september comes, I need to focus on school and throw myself into that. But thats a long way off. I'm going job hunting tomorrow, and I pray that things will start from there.

I can't help but look back and feel like the world is against me though. It seems as if every victory that I could have won has been diverted to somewhere else, or somehow mangled. How long can this last? We'll see, I suppose. I'm still optimistic about it all though, I won't let it get me down. Something's gotta give sometime.

Kat was gone for 3 days in Oliver, working. I missed her so damn much. I thought of her every goddamn day, the only time I really ever managed to completely forget about her was when I was with or talking to McKenzie.... what a blessing that girl has been, for the simple fact of allowing me to completely escape from my emotional turmoil with what might have been her romantic rival was she not moving to Ontario for school in September.

I'm starting to realize that Kat really has moved on..... I don't think there's anything left of her feelings for me. And that really hurts, because I still love her so much.

I don't know what's going to happen, I don't know where I should go or what I should do. I feel like everybody is expecting me to have a plan, and to figure things out.... but I really don't know. And I don't feel like I know where to start. I don't feel comfortable making any decisions, because I'm so fucked up and I don't want to make a wrong step based on some impulsive judgement influenced by emotion and not rationality.

We'll find out before long. Maybe I'll find my head between now and then.