I feel like I should be proud of myself. Its a really empty pride.

I sent Kat a bit of a letter saying that I was glad she came out, that I got to see her again after so long, etc, etc, etc.... and then I put my foot down. I told Kat that I can't be her hero anymore. She broke my heart and ruined most of 2010 for me, and I shouldn't have been there for her when she needed it because by all rights she should have lost that benefit. Except that I still love her, and in a masochistic way I couldn't resist being her hero again. I told her all of that, almost word for word.

I knew she wouldn't take it too personally, she knows that I still care for her and I don't think badly of her anymore. She knows that I still honestly do want to be her friend, and that I honestly did have a good time with her (when it wasn't awkward laying in bed). She understands where I'm coming from, and she replied with "yeah, I'd already come to that conclusion, it was wrong of me to lean on you, and expect you to pick me up again. I've learned that lesson, and I'm sorry."

It felt nice to put my foot down. But it also really wrenched me to close that door. Even if it was already closed....

And now it looks like things with Brook are going to be falling off pretty quick too, unfortunately.

Since her and I have just been a casual thing, both of us are free to date other people (as I've mentioned before) and I was mostly considering that a side thing. I dunno, even with the distance there I didn't really feel the need to go out and find another lady. I didn't want to hurt Brook by doing that since she said that she wasn't interested in anybody out there, I suppose. But I also forgot a crucial thing: stuff happens. A dude from out of town asked her out on a date.... she mentioned it to me, and of course I was excited for her. While I was out with Hayven and Kat, she was on her date with this dude. And it went really well, I guess.

The thing is that I guess his work brings him through her town decently often. Now he wants a second date. She said she had a really good time, and that she's seriously considering it. If that happens... to be realistic I think at that point its pretty much my swan song in her love life. I mean here I am, a 3 or 4 hour drive away from her..... and he comes into town every few months on his own. If she really enjoys his company, it'd just be so much easier. And it'd be easier for her to just forget about me, I suppose.

Not to say that I'm giving up, no no no no. I really do like Brook, and as much as I've had doubts about our sexual compatibility, I really do care for her. I feel at home with her around, and she's so caring and understanding. She's got so many of the same interests as me. I'll not simply roll over and accept defeat with a girl like her. But I am going to be realistic; unless she ends up moving here decently soon (and with her severe lack of job at the moment, thats slim at best) my spot on the podium of her consciousness will probably be knocked down a spot.

Worst comes to worst, we've made it clear that we both want to stay good friends for all of the reasons I stated above; we get along really well romance or no.

This weekend has not been very helpful to my short-term love life.

I really really want a cuddle. Maybe next weekend I'll spend a night out with Brittney. She's made it clear that she's spent enough nights with me, that its time for me to make the trek out to her place. We'll see. It'd get my sex life away from my son at least.