I’m beginning to wonder if talking to Kat is really the best thing for me right now.

Lately I’ve been on edge and stressed, and I’ve been blaming it on the lack of internet. I say that I feel disconnected from the world, I can’t maintain those constant conversations with my friends that I’m used to, and that I’m already stressed due to the lateness of my student loans (again) and such and that the internet was previously my stress relief. However I’ve been analyzing myself, and I’m starting to look at the things that I’m craving and realizing that maybe it’s not the internet which is stressing me… maybe its feelings of my own inadequacy.

I find myself feeling lonely, and I want to go online and talk to Brook…. But is it the conversation that I want, or is it specifically Brook? And why am I thinking of Brook, as opposed to Lillian or Kevin? I think that it might be because talking with Kat so much, I’m being forced to admit that I am still very much in love with her. And in the back of my mind, I am still so much more hurt by everything that happened then maybe I ever could have realized without her coming back to inadvertently reopen this wound.

I loved her with such pure honesty, I trusted her, and I just wasn’t good enough. Since I moved back to my mom’s house, I worked out. I dedicated myself to success. This semester I got grades 15 – 20% higher than I ever did before, while still hitting the gym a few times a week. I played less video games, I did more chores around the house, and I spent more time with my son. And I’m starting to wonder if maybe I did all that because I wanted to feel like I was going to one day be good enough. I am so proud of the man that I have become; but I am forced to admit that I am only here because she is not.

Hearing her get through this breakup…. It’s become clear to me that I will never be good enough. I will never be better than Dave. She says that I’m a better person, that I was a better lover and a more considerate partner who was better at communicating. But it doesn’t change the fact that she left me for him, and even now she swears that she loved him more than she ever loved me. She gave herself to him the same way I gave myself to her…. And even though it was pretty clear to me that she didn’t return the depth of emotion that I had given her based on the way she discarded me, it still hurts to face the realization that she was very capable of giving it…. She gave it to him. No matter how supportive I am, how considerate, loving, no matter how good of a person I am, I was not good enough. In the realm of relationships I might average a score of 8 to his score of 6, but there will forever be something immeasurable and intangible that has somehow placed him above me in the heart of the one person who mattered.

I think I’m feeling lonely because I’m being reminded that I was rejected, I was rejected as a whole. I want to talk to Brook because I remember the way she made me feel while she was down. I remember that moment in the doorway of my apartment, staring into her eyes and feeling anxious and nervous and scared for a few brief seconds before she kissed me. I remembered being good enough for her. The idea of being good enough for somebody is what I want, and I’ve spent the last week being reminded, whether Kat knows it or not, of how not good enough I am. Of how not good enough I will always be.

I want the internet back to remind me that I’m good enough for a pretty girl, and I want it back to escape into Warcraft or 4chan or whatever else I can throw myself towards to escape my limitless flaws. I want the internet back so I can escape this world where all I have as company are the people who I am not good enough for and not appreciated by. Demitri and Jackie are gone to her mom’s place for 2 nights starting last night, and although the weight of parenthood is lifted I also am left without the one person who I will always be good for, my son. I feel so guilty because I’ve let my moods impede my ability to be a parent… maybe that’s a bit strong, I mean I’ve still taken care of him and had a good time, but he hasn’t seen me happy and I can tell that it wears on him. I get snappy and easily frustrated with him, and it’s not fair… especially to the one little guy who is always on my side. If I just snapped and yelled and screamed at him, he would be scared and cry… but the moment I stopped and fell and cried, he would rush up to me and hug me. I know he would. He’s just like me.

No matter how much someone might hurt you, love will cause you to put aside your own pain in order to help them with theirs. One day my son will face the heartbreak that I have. And on that day I think I will cry, because I know what such heartbreak feels like and even though I would give the world to take it away from my little boy whom I love, he will be stuck with it for months, just as I have. Only 2 people can heal a wound caused by the keen blade of love; the poor soul left bleeding and the object of their emotion who drew the blood.

Like a junkie, I crave Kat’s nightly phone call. Seeing her name on my call display brings butterflies to my stomach, hearing her voice brings me back (if only for an instant) to the days when I would look into her eyes and hear how much she loved me (and promised she always would). But I never get quite enough…. Those words I miss hearing her say will never quite be said, and if they were the magic would be lost somewhere behind the dried blood and scar tissue. Her voice is the same, her body the same. But things aren’t the same. And they never will be. That was easy to accept when she wasn’t a part of the way things are. But now that she’s here, and the past and present collide, I’m catching my mind attempting to imagine itself back into the past or find a way to bring the past into the present.

Maybe I’m not a new man. Maybe I’m the same old sap, just with a new look and a new city and a bunch of shine for good measure. And all it takes for it all to come crashing down is somebody drawing back the curtains to show everybody what it looks like behind the stage……