Well, it's a new year and for some it really doesn't mean much. For others, it translates into a time of possible hope and for few it's even an additional motivational factor to do (or stop) something that they've been forever putting off. I'm not too sure if it's worthwhile to even be putting an idea like that into my head. Resolutions, various commitments to correct one's vices and all that jazz. At least it encourages us to acknowledge that we are not infallible - which to some, can be as startling as a plate-glass window on the 73rd floor is to a flying seagull. Needless to say that it's less than a pretty picture. But even I will admit that it is tempting to want to make a resolution, if not for the sake of making one than to at least see for how long one will actually take it seriously before one realizes that they're so entrenched in their ways that it's perfectly hopeless to desire change, let alone expect it. For the last couple of years I've opted against making a resolution because I hadn't a good idea on what type of behaviour to want to deter. [On a neat sidebar, I was able to successfully aid somebody -unintentional- in creating a resolution: "No Regrets" is the motto. I hope it works for her, but I worry that if taken to an extreme what the possible outcomes could yield.] This year, it's a little more obvious, and unfortunately for you, it's not for a reason that makes for a particularly interesting or sentimental story. The past year I've made a little headway in regard to being open, out-going and relatively responsive to people. And naturally, it's all been justified by various occurances along the way such as Prom, Graduation, School stresses, Christmas, New Years and almost any other blip with a notable meaning encountered within my reality. At the time it seemed like it was worth it, and even now I'd argue that it can be [rightly] argued to have been of value. But that being said, my previous style of interacting was copiously uncalculated, somewhat unruly and over-all unsatisfying. So as alluded to in previous entry(s), I shall scale back said developments and concentrate instead on control and a much more, deliberate nature. Not an oversaturation of the aforementioned qualities, but a happy medium determined by none other than me. I wish I could say that I'm doing this to gain some kind of upper-hand, deep-rooted satisfaction/ gratification or even to achieve another goal. But no, this is truly just because the last thing I need is to continually stammer and stutter through life totally unobservant to the surroundings. I mean, after a period of time, one must grow up and regardless of how unwelcoming it may seem, one cannot deny that even a person who has greatness thrusted upon them is still worthy of being called great. And so the time is upon us. Speaking of "the time," I recognized that interacting with a large number of people (not necessarily at one time or location, but over the course of a set period) has the ability to make one, not necessarily qualified but at least inspired to comment upon something. I talked to a fair number of people recently; some more in-depth than others, but nonetheless, it is interesting to see how many, perhaps even most are now recognizing how things truly are after high school, how their life will start to take form as the fantasy which they convinced themselves would at worst, deteriorate has now begun to at best, wither away. Old friends are few and far in between and for those who've never had to give that up, it can be extemely tough because the drama's of life is still playing out and trust, which was originally a rare commodity, is now a scarcity and what's worse is that now they haven't a clue who to go to to get said product. Then there's the shock they recieve when they reunite with people only to discover that their friends have changed to become more a member of their environment than the person they remember. And the bonds will break while loyalties fade into the abyss. Me, I don't know. I'm not much in way of feeling a shock. I can't really say that I've been close with a good amount of people. Well, perhaps close to a select few, but as with everything, as time wears on, a dispairing heart tends to gain a magnificent amount of ratioanalizing capabilities which either minimalizes or sorts through the situation. From what I've seen, the former option is the course which most people have a tendency towards for either fear of confrontation, or simply not wanting to come to terms with the truth. And who ever said that avoidance isn't a great thing? Clearly they never came into contact with the facades (ranging in various degrees of happiness) that these types of people are forced, no, encouraged to display to the world in lieu of the real conflicts that're being subtley suppressed. See as we all know, it's momentarily better to pretend that the problem doesn't exist than to at present, grapple with it in a hand-to-hand combat scenerio. Hell, you can actually lose something that way, so why risk it? To quote Iron Maiden "Run for the hills, run for your life." And so it goes. "It's not the big decisions that are hard. You can decide to invade Russia over dinner or pick Waterloo for battle on a whim; it's easy to decide to risk a million lives. What's hard is to see how your decisions affect one life. And if you can't do that, then you'll lose your humanity." Picked up that quote from Tom Selleck as he was acting the role of General Eisenhower. Made me think so much that I was going to hunt down the movie to buy it, but I'm thinking that my money is best suited somewhere else. Be that as it may, the idea still merits some form of examination, if not discussion. I struggled for quie awhile, on whether to talk about war, the loss of life and the many considerations or to speak of the meaning in that lovely universal way all things can be diversly interpreted. Now, I can't speak for everyone, but I know that I haven't faced anything quite as elaborate and time consumingly gruelling as the beaches of Normandy, so perhaps the choice has made itself brutally apparent. Now, to make a large, overlaying decison is not where difficulty lays, because it's the details that'll either make the day or spell certain disaster for all concerned parties. It, the quote, righfully reflects the idea that it's not what you do, but instead how you go about it that truly matters. Think about some of your most recent undertakings and try to tell me that I'm wrong. I'll turn around and tell you that you're lying to me, particularly if it involved more than one person. But the tragedy, my friend, is that there are people who are unable to see how, on an individual level a decision can be detrimental. Of course, there are other considerations to be taken into account - such as that invisible 'greater good.' It's the ability to be able to see the big picture and NOT detatch oneself from both the humanity and the gravity of the situation that is called for because without it the temptation to focus solely on the relatively simplistic idea of grand nobility is purely intoxicating. And it is for the fact that we struggle to make the decisions, which we correctly label as 'the tough decisions.' And think about this. Without the existence of our humanity - our natural, although sometimes repressed compulsion to place ourselves in another mans shoes is what balances our generally incessant disposition to accomplish all mandates to an objective 100% (thus overriding all other facets of our lives). And the minute, the minute that achieving that objectivity compromises our better judgement - our humanity - that is the minute that we are truly lost because then we have reached a point where we are no longer discernibly human. A man so focused on a goal that he views the human equation of it as expendable is quickly labeled a monster. Look no further than the ever popular Adolf Hitler or Joesph Stalin; men so consumed by a vision that within less than half a century they rid the world of tens of millions of lives. Some say that "he's a political idealist, not an assassin," but if you could go back and look at the wandering children without any parents, or the rag doll who's legitimate owner no longer has the chance to grow up, I think that perhaps a different tune would be sung. They may not have personally fired the guns that robbed so many of their lives, but their directives did in fact kill the dreams and aspirations of countless millions both victims and survivors alike. And likewise, we too must be careful of how and who our dreams will effect, balancing our happiness and desire for gratification through the accomplishment of intents with the wellness of others because as already mentioned, it is extremely easy to get blinded by the larger picture; to focus on the fact that the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. However if manhandled, the parts will cease to contribute to the effort, and you can't have something from nothing. In other words, a picture cannot exist if you remove the individual colours. Watching the paint dry, - Captain B. Perspicacious