As you can see, I am slightly worn - today was an alright day, but it was slightly... correction, very draining. I guess I'll live, so why complain, right? On an up note, I'm happy to see that people are actually taking the time to read my thoughts, to be honest, I'm really liking this whole 'online-diary' concept; it's proven to be a productive way for me to actually share my feelings w/o worrying about how much trouble it'll cause for me in the end. But now that I think about it, it's almost counter-productive too, because if I talk to you, then I won't really want to talk to the person I have the problem with and nothing will ever get solved. However, it does ensure that I don't open the can of worms that I know I won't be able to contain in the end. Perhaps it would be beneficial for me to just start @ the beginning, that is, if I have enough time to write it *checks time* well it's only 4:20ish, so I can spare a few moments. :o) Be forewarned though, if you don't want to know what's been bothering me, feel free to leave now because I don't want to ruin your day with my problems but rest assured if you do stick around to read it, that it is not depressing or suicidal or anyting of the sort. So from the beginning then, it all started about a month ago, I don't recall exactly when but that's whenabouts it started. It was the time of year that marks the beginning of old man winter bringing in his cold vibes and the exit of good ole fall. And for some reason or another, I got to thinking; but not my usual little logical conclusions and such, this was in-depth and such [enter my over-analyzing.] So I gots a thinkin', and truth be known, I came to the realization thta I'm not happy with myself. Not physically or anything because I already knew that I wasn't the most handsomest male out there - but more of me... I wasn't happy with what I'd become: my attitude, personality, habits... even to the point where my mentality was changing for the worse. And what scared me the most was that I'm not sure if I can ever get any of my old self back. And so I saw that this could turn into a rather large issue, so I decided to try and ‘sit on it’, try and figure things out on my on w/o involving her so that she wouldn’t start to blame herself for me going through this ‘mini-crisis.’ I figured if she didn’t have to be involved, I could fix it and save her the headache and grief of my stupidity… how wrong was I. Well, two and a half weeks go by and to make a long story short, friend, the other day, her and I started talking with each-other. She starts crying because apparently she felt neglected and this whole time she felt like the reason I was acting the way I was, was because she was “a bad girlfriend.” I try to calm her down and explain everything to her. Unknowingly, I guess I did get somewhat ‘cold’ on her but she thinks that the reason I didn’t come to her to begin with is because I didn’t trust her. And it isn’t that I don’t trust her, because I’d trust her w/ my life. It’s just that I know how she would have responded (the same way she did when she found out what the real problem was) and the likely-hood is that she would have felt even worse knowing what the problem was. I know she would have blamed herself… so either way how different is the outcome? And for some reason she’s also displeased due to my “lack of judgement” for not coming to her after a week of deliberation. I swear to you that if I had fixed the problem, she wouldn’t have even known the difference and she wouldn’t have cared either. But as soon as if means her feeling bad about herself it’s a big federal case. And she claims she was dropping hints to try and figure out what was going on, but exactly how am I suppose to pick up on them when she blames them on her Ex-boyfriend; which by the way folks, was a lie. That’s something that burns me up – she just ups and lies every once in awhile almost like it’s just for kicks… Sometimes I don’t even remember why I’m in this relationship. So today I’m all set to break up with her, I’m on the edge of the cliff of just walking away from it all when something grabs me and tells me to not do it because it’ll cause more problems then it’s worth right now. And then we came to the consensus that perhaps a ‘break’ will work best. “Break”? I’ve never believed in that, it’s just as good as breaking up, only in a sense it brings the couple off of their high horses slower and a bit easier… which can be good. I don’t know anymore. As you may have read in my previous entry, I’m really considering breaking up with her, but the Break is right around the corner so I guess I’ll have to do it after the break. I know for a fact that I won’t be able to fix things by then and it isn’t fair for her to wait around for some idiot who can’t figure out himself, let alone be in a relationship right now. I really feel like crap though… maybe I shouldn’t do it but I just find that I’m not as into the relationship as I use to be. I’m not looking for any answers here, all I really wanted was someplace to tell you my side of the story because if I were to ever say anything like this to her she’d flip her lid. You see, she’s got a way of dramatizing things and being overly emotional (even by female standards) and by that I just mean that females are usually better at sharing their feelings in comparison to males (No insults intended to any gender.) Maybe you can relate to what I’m saying, maybe I’m just being stupid… I don’t know anymore. Hopefully you don’t think that I’m some big un-emotional, unloving, awful person. It’s just that… well I’m the guy who keeps everything inside, everything bundled up, saves personal opinions but still has to save the world… To quote Leo Durocher “Nice guys finish last.” The question is this though: how nice of a guy am I really? Cheers for now, -Captain B. Tired